Nervously looking for feedback.

[The_Fractal_King]

I'd usually rather be killed by praise than saved by criticism, as the saying goes, but I have to get an answer on this.

My story non-erotic story Chaos Theory has produced almost zero interest and not much in the way of comments. So I just have to know why or at least hear what people think about it. Is it the characters? The pacing? Grammar? The story? Am I laying it on too thick by the end? Is is it the genera? Or is the problem something else entirely?

So, please, if any of you have time to spare to read it I would really appreciate any comments, good or bad.

Link to the first chapter:
Chaos Theory

 

[tickledkitty]

I think it's the category you've chosen. It would do better in Sci-Fi and Fantasy.

 

[ellynei]

Its the genre.

Non-erotic really doesn't attract a whole lot on literotica. I've got eight non-erotic chapters up of a non-erotic sci fi. Most of them are 0-1 public comments, most of those from the same nice person. (Only one chapter got as many as 3.)

I've been told by others, that in non-erotic gaining the 10 votes needed for 'H' or not, in itself is hard. Was a while since I read your chapter 1, it was complex and fascinating.

Complex to a degree that makes it a slow read, for which the reader needs to use their brain. Lately I haven't had much brain power left when reading time came, so haven't read next chapters yet. It's still on my to do for personal-enjoyment list though.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Could be that it's in the non-erotic section. I suspect that might be one of the dustier corners of lit.

I was very confused during the first fight and aftermath about who was on which side and why the fight was happening. There were a couple of paragraphs that seemed to contradict each other. Was Bria part of a police-force or some form of resistance fighting a force? Was she bringing in a rogue or just taking down heroes? I had to reread sections and it still didn't seem very clear to me.

I think the characters need more depth. Too much posturing and not enough inner motive.

It also needs more of a hook. I didn't feel any urge to carry on after the first chapter as I didn't really understand what the bigger picture was and none of the characters really interested me. Gabriel in particular felt like he'd been stamped from the usual cookie-cutter marked 'badass rogue who comes good.' I know a lot of people like that in the main character, but it just bores me nowadays.

That's just my personal opinion, so you can take it with a pinch of salt

Kudos for not putting in gratuitous sex scenes for the sake of it, even though it means you're going to get less readers because of it

The writing seems good and suitably crunchy. I think you need a smarter story (or hint at it sooner if it is a smarter story) and more compelling characters though.

 

[serpentmoon]

I love it. REally like the characters, the pacing and action is good (I was a bit confused by DMA etc at the beginning but it gets explained later). Don't have time to read properly tonight but I will come back to it. I'm new here but it seems likely that it might be the category that's off, perhaps it would do better in sci fi.

 

[ellynei]

Just read chapter 2, liked it too.

Was easier to follow than 1, as usual in complex sci fi So far, I like gathering all the crumbs of information you offer here and there.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I was very confused during the first fight and aftermath about who was on which side and why the fight was happening. There were a couple of paragraphs that seemed to contradict each other. Was Bria part of a police-force or some form of resistance fighting a force? Was she bringing in a rogue or just taking down heroes? I had to reread sections and it still didn't seem very clear to me.

Good point. A lot of Bria's intentions are not properly explained. I'm going to rework the second scene before I resubmit it.

Gabriel in particular felt like he'd been stamped from the usual cookie-cutter marked 'badass rogue who comes good.' I know a lot of people like that in the main character, but it just bores me nowadays.

Not to argue but even Gabriel points out that he's not reformed.

Kudos for not putting in gratuitous sex scenes for the sake of it, even though it means you're going to get less readers because of it

I think I'll actually ask for it to be moved to SciFi and just mention there's no sex in the story, at the end of the chapter . . . in small print . . . . upside down . . . . . in Swahili.

 

[tickledkitty]

I actually liked that Bria's intentions weren't really explained. It made me want to read further to find out. I figured you'd get to it in your own time.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Hmm, so many things to weigh and balance. In any event her thoughts do need cleaning up in the second scene. I realize in looking at it now that a few things I left in the background need at least a passing mention for it to make sense.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I think I'll actually ask for it to be moved to SciFi and just mention there's no sex in the story, at the end of the chapter . . . in small print . . . . upside down . . . . . in Swahili.

lol

yeah, probably wants to be in sci-fi.

I wouldn't bother with the no sex warning. I think most of the warnings people put at the top just give readers excuses to hit the back button without ever reading anything. You might get some people that whinge about there not being any sex, but you might also get some readers that get drawn in by the story and don't care. No sense sticking a stop sign in their face before they get a chance to read anything.

Plus you could always be really mean and string them along for ages with the promise of hot super-powered sex at some unspecified chapter in the future.

 

[ellynei]

Ch. 3

I don't get it.

Now my hyperactive imagination is going to think up 10+ different interpretations to the finish... and some of the other unanswered things too, and I didn't get enough satisfaction to WANT to do that. Guess it wasn't one of my preferred genres within sci fi after all.

Now I'm feeling grumpy, and unsatisfied.

Different styles.

I'm gonna go grab a smoke, and try to forget your story.

Not that you did anything wrong.

I guess the not revealing, nor explaining aspects of it were just too dominant for my shallow mind

The one comment on chapter 3 does make beautifully poetic sense now that I've read it all though She is also right that it is well-written.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Ah, it's not the story I expected either.

Definitely fix that first chapter to work in a little more background. Gabriel and Bria make a lot more sense at the end. There's a hint of her utopia desires in the first, I think you maybe need to push that.

I'm guessing there's some sort of order vs chaos thing happening with Gabriel and Bria as the figureheads of either side.

There's some nice ideas. I think you might need to slow it down. I felt like I was trying to follow a TV series where I could only see one episode in 3 and had to try and work out what happened in the episodes I missed

 

[Elianna]

I haven't made it all the way through the series (which I'll try to do), but after reading the thread I had to comment:

Firstly, I don't think my own story had sex until about the 4th chapter. People didn't complain. If it's well-written especially in the sci-fi genre I think we'll be happy.

You've already made comments about editing chapter 1, and I think it's a great idea. It's kinda a jumping point and I wasn't too sure what was happening except I was intrigued by the characters and the world they were in... good for sci-fi.

I think the one place you can't go wrong with detail and description is the sci-fi genre... people want to be taken to a different place and imagine YOUR new world.

So in summary... Who gives a _ _ _ _ if it's not really sexy. A good story is a good story... just put it in the right place. And hey, don't tell us there's no sex. If we made it that far, we probably don't care anymore.