Nephlim's Stories

[Nephlim14]

Hello, I don't know if anyone knows this but I have recently been writing stories for the site. I mainly do it to inspire stories that I wish to see more of, so I want to know what everyone thinks about them

My name is Nephlim14 and here is my page

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1769627&page=submissions

 

[Iceprincess12]

Which story are you wanting feedback on and what kind of feedback? Pick one and post the link please.

 

[Nephlim14]

Which story are you wanting feedback on and what kind of feedback? Pick one and post the link please.

I'm actually looking for feed back on all of them. I've been reading on this site for a while, but have never written any stories until this new year. I'm trying to announce them and see if they are as good as the other stories I've read.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I'm actually looking for feed back on all of them. I've been reading on this site for a while, but have never written any stories until this new year. I'm trying to announce them and see if they are as good as the other stories I've read.

Well, I'm not going to read all of them . If you decide to post a link to one and it's not incest, I'll take a look.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I looked and left. PC words like judgmental, bigot, etc. trigger the flee response in me.

 

[Nephlim14]

I looked and left. PC words like judgmental, bigot, etc. trigger the flee response in me.

Huh?! What are you talking about?

 

[Nephlim14]

Well, I'm not going to read all of them . If you decide to post a link to one and it's not incest, I'll take a look.

Try this:
https://www.literotica.com/s/nephlim-world-saga-the-prime

 

[Iceprincess12]

Try this:
https://www.literotica.com/s/nephlim-world-saga-the-prime

I just finished reading this and...well, let's just start. I don't critique for grammar and spelling but for content.

The setting description made me smile. Typical caveman attire, lol and of course bone accessories. The p.s. doesn't seem necessary since you don't even have an example of this language (dialogue-spelling).

The beginning caught my attention because of the tone. Very straight forward but also foreshadowing an epic adventure. When you give a character Superman like powers I expect there is a reason for it. Some conflict that makes it necessary for him to have been altered, but the way you set it up as multiple stories he has to tell, those can come later. I do wonder why the nameless storyteller is sharing this. That might be a way to keep the reader engaged. Give us a reason to care why he is sharing.

Near-superiority. So the Nephlim are almost superior but not quite? Take out near or change superiority unless you are trying to say they are average. Objects, animals and the elements don't need capitalizatiion if you are speaking about them in general. If not, you need to describe each a bit so we know you are talking about some named groups.

I will try to point out major points instead of critiquing each line.

Aliens abduct him to give him powers? I rolled my eyes at this. An easy way to explain their origins but like the "typical caveman summer wardrobe", a lazy way. Keep it unknown if you don't have a good backstory, this preserves the mystery.

When Rephiq sees the sabertooth, why does he put on his loincloth? I don't think the saber cares if he is naked. After he kills it and then morphs into an alien sabertooth, you start a paragraph describing someone. I was completely lost at that point. Who are you describing? Rephiq is a sabertooth. One of the ambushed tribesman? I just disregarded that paragraph since it's not clear which person this describes. You do say at the end of it that the hunters knew him from rumors...so the person is known to them by cock size and dimpled buttocks. Useless information for a caveman hunter.

The tribe needs the meat badly, implying they are hungry but the party has enough meat for everyone to eat as much as they want. A disconnect with what you implied and the reality. Why were they celebrating? A talking alien sabretooth is nothing to bat an eye at? They don't ask him anything, they are not terrified, worshipful or in awe. They simply invite him to dinner. Too much detail to skip over without letting us know you are skipping.

Sex
"...covering the girls nude body reveal a beautiful, petite shape of smooth".

There are a lot of errors of this type. This isn't a complete sentence and makes no sense. Your sentence structure needs a lot of work. Get help from an editor with spelling also.

She is chaste yet doesn't hesitate to give him a skilled blow-job? Not likely. First time anal sex, he rams his 10" hard cock into her with wild ferocity, no lube, no arousal (a blow job isn't really foreplay) and she feels pleasure and pain? Sigh. Finally he "forces his cock into her virgin cunt". Let's forget that they have no toilet paper and she will probably die from a painful infection. Her response is to yelp. When I step on my dogs foot she yelps. When a virgin gets a 10" cock forced into her, yelp doesn't convey any sense of reality. Blah, blah she screams in pleasure, they each have a massive orgasm and he tells her to take the bus home.

Same scene with the guy, except...he kisses the guy. Is Rephiq gay? He has sex with the guy 5 more times but sent the girl home with a sheet.

Ending
Rephiq feels the need to spread his seed, yet he manages to give a piece of his power to the tribe. Why does he need to spread his seed then? Which piece of power? Farming? Since they never go hungry? Feared and respected...typical and boring. The ending felt like a buildup so you could type Rogues in capitals and use two exclamation points. I don't get the excitement of a rogue. In warcraft they wear leather, use daggers or other light single hand weapons and can stealth, so what? This is what I know. Other people may know something different or nothing at all.

This story the narrator told us was called "the great war spirit". What was great? Where was the war? Writing that ambiguous other tribes called them spirits doesn't help support this title. You should have had this titled as a introduction of Rephiq.

I usually summarize but there are so many issues. It isn't an uninteresting story. It has potential but requires too much suspension of disbelief. An editor would really be helpful. One line you spelled cook but meant cock. Those errors can take a reader out of the story.

Hope this helped.

 

[Nephlim14]

Thanks for the feedback, but I did try to send one of my stories to an editor and he/she hasn't responded yet. Plus, I am pretty green to this whole thing. How effective are the editors? What do they do to stories exactly? and How long does it usually take them?

 

[Iceprincess12]

Thanks for the feedback, but I did try to send one of my stories to an editor and he/she hasn't responded yet. Plus, I am pretty green to this whole thing. How effective are the editors? What do they do to stories exactly? and How long does it usually take them?

You're welcome.

I suppose it would depend on the editor. There is a forum for editors and for authors that each have more information.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Huh?! What are you talking about?

The words you use betray your politics and beliefs, and tends to make sermons and propaganda of the story.

 

[Nephlim14]

The words you use betray your politics and beliefs, and tends to make sermons and propaganda of the story.

Not to be rude but...SPEAK CLEARLY MAN? If you're not just saying this to be a troll. Say EXACTLY what is wrong with them.

 

[KarlMartinK]

I'm kind of with NoirTrash. Not interested. That's just me, though.