Neighbourly Relations

[prophet007]

Hello all.

I've recently returned to Literotica after a bit of a break, and over the past week or so have uploaded the first five chapters of a new BDSM series I've started called "Neighbourly Relations".

I have started work on a sixth chapter and have some ideas for how I might carry it on, but I wondered if any of the readers here thought it was the type of series that could sustain a good few more chapters, or whether I should try and wrap it up more quickly. I've already had some comments on feedback along the lines of "repetivive adolescent fantasy", so I'm a little worried that as it goes on in the five chapters written so far, it already becomes a bit dull for people.

Anyway, if anybody does fancy reading the five chapters done so far, the links are below. I'd love to hear any feedback!

Neighbourly Relations Ch. 01
Neighbourly Relations Ch. 02
Neighbourly Relations Ch. 03
Neighbourly Relations Ch. 04
Neighbourly Relations Ch. 05

prophet007

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Prophet,

I only read chapter one of your story, but I thought it was a pretty good opening. You showed the reader just enough to where we believe Jane wants to be spanked, making an unlikely scenario seem all but reasonable. I was especially impressed that two strangers didn't go too far on their first occassion; for me it was sexier that they didn't have sex.

If I had to pick something to criticize, and there really isn't much, it would be repitition. I'm talking really minor technical stuff:

I knew who she was and I knew her name only because I happened once to take delivery of a parcel the postman was trying to deliver to her when she was out.

See? Delivery and deliver both in the same sentence. I noticed a few like that, but nothing major.

Maybe a few too many adverbs too, but not so many I was distracted by them. If you don't know what I mean, please see:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Again, those are relatively minor issues. On the whole, I think your first chapter is a fine opening. Even though I didn't know much about the characters, I knew enough to understand what they wanted, particularly her. This is perfect, as it raises many questions the reader may want answered. I'm assuming the reader will learn more about the both of them as the story progesses?

I am curious where Jane's story goes and I may come back to read the rest when I have time. That's the second highest compliment I can give, isn't it?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[prophet007]

Thank you for your feedback Penelope. I think you're right about the adverbs cropping up once too often, and generally I could probably do with more proofing. Perhaps I should consider using one of the site volunteer editors to go over my stuff before posting in future.

Very glad you enjoyed the first chapter, anyway!