Negotiating frequency

[goldenass]

A week ago just at the end of a romantic dinner, my SO brought up how often we should make love and on which days. I was not really prepared for this after five years together and much to rave about sensually speaking. Something bothered me about scheduling sex, seemed kind of...well, lacking in passion and spontaneity. We have both been travelling a lot and working long hours, and I am not sure if she wants more or less. I dodged the issue at the time, but am positive she will raise this again (or maybe I should). Still not sure what to think. Anybody been through this successfully?

 

[ScottSwing]

You should have slapped her in the face, slammed her on the ground, tied her hands with an extension cord, and fucked her right there on the ground. And then stopped answering her calls for a month.

What, are you trying to make a baby? If not, then sex should come from arousal. And you can't really schedule that.
But if you reaaally have to pencil it in, make it worth your while. Take a mini vacation, do something fun (romantic dinner). And don't schedule it more than a week or so in advance.

 

[satindesire]

A week ago just at the end of a romantic dinner, my SO brought up how often we should make love and on which days. I was not really prepared for this after five years together and much to rave about sensually speaking. Something bothered me about scheduling sex, seemed kind of...well, lacking in passion and spontaneity. We have both been travelling a lot and working long hours, and I am not sure if she wants more or less. I dodged the issue at the time, but am positive she will raise this again (or maybe I should). Still not sure what to think. Anybody been through this successfully?

In the fantasy world of rainbows and anal beads, sex only happens when both people magically are sexually aroused at the same time. Both partners have fantastic orgasms, and there's champagne and bubble baths all around.

In the real world, we have jobs, kids, responsibilities, and stressed out partners. We have bills to pay, and groceries to buy. Partners are tired from work and occasionally aren't in the best spirits, and not everyone gets an orgasm every time.

Sometimes, unless you schedule sex, you won't get any.

In all reality, scheduling sex isn't something foreign to you. You've probably been doing it for a while now and haven't even been realizing it. Each time you made a 'date' with someone when you were younger, you were probably hoping to get sex. And if you were in a relationship and scheduled a date, you probably DID get sex. In all reality, scheduling a date and scheduling sex is VERY similar, the only difference is that with scheduling sex, you KNOW sex is going to happen.

Sex is something that everyone needs to make time for, and it can be just as good even if it's not spontaneous. Honestly, I think sex is BETTER when I do have time to plan for it. I can freshly shave my legs, curl my hair, paint my nails, pick out my lingerie, and all of those rituals heightens my level of anticipation and ultimately make the sex BETTER between myself and my husband.

I've been with my husband for nearly five years now, and when we started having sex, it was very spontaneous and remained so for a while. But after he got a very time-consuming and high-maintenance job and we had a child, the sex started becoming less and less frequent. We were both unhappy about it.

Finally, I mentioned the fact that we should start scheduling our time together, and initially he balked, stating the SAME reasons. It wasn't romantic or spontaneous! But I encouraged him gently to at least give it a shot, and he found that after his initial reluctance, he always ends up enjoying himself and is glad we started scheduling our time together. I totally understand your reasons behind being reluctant, but please at least TRY it. I think you'll find that your relationship will improve and you'll both be much happier if you give it a try.

 

[infinity706]

Scheduling sex is no big deal. I've done it tons of times and it's really taken a lot of the pressure off of wondering when it's going to happen. Of course, if you do schedule a sex session, go ahead and put out even if you're not super into it at the time. Even if you don't get off or something, think of it as an investment in your partner. Especially if you're in a monogamous relationship, you owe it to each other to actually provide some of that sex. Besides, if you're willing to give them a freebie, maybe they'll give you one when you're horny and they aren't that into it.

 

[cromsgirl]

Agreed

I totally agree with satindesire. I've been with my husband almost 15 years and sometimes when we don't plan on sex, we will go weeks or months without any. We still have spontaneous sex, but we have to occasionally remind ourselves to make time for each other, or it doesn't happen. And we don't even have any kids. We also thought it was unromantic and silly to "schedule" sex, but like mentioned above, when you get your head in a sexual place long before your body gets there, it tends to be much better sex.

 

[Noor]

The last time I tried to schedule/plan sex .... not sure I have a cool enough head about it yet to discuss it, its going on 2 yrs now and it still upsets me...

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think there's anything wrong with planning and making time for each other.

The passion arises from how you feel about each other and spontaneity comes from what you choose to do, not when you choose to do it. In fact, it can be much easier to express passion and be creative and spontaneous when there's less stress due to planning.

You should definitely keep an open mind and talk with your wife about this, Goldenass. If all else fails, look at it this way: would you rather have scheduled sex, or little to no sex at all or lousy sex because you're trying to steal a moment here and there, rather than truly make time for each other?

 

[goldenass]

In the fantasy world of rainbows and anal beads, sex only happens when both people magically are sexually aroused at the same time. Both partners have fantastic orgasms, and there's champagne and bubble baths all around.

In the real world, we have jobs, kids, responsibilities, and stressed out partners. We have bills to pay, and groceries to buy. Partners are tired from work and occasionally aren't in the best spirits, and not everyone gets an orgasm every time.

Sometimes, unless you schedule sex, you won't get any.

In all reality, scheduling sex isn't something foreign to you. You've probably been doing it for a while now and haven't even been realizing it. Each time you made a 'date' with someone when you were younger, you were probably hoping to get sex. And if you were in a relationship and scheduled a date, you probably DID get sex. In all reality, scheduling a date and scheduling sex is VERY similar, the only difference is that with scheduling sex, you KNOW sex is going to happen.

Sex is something that everyone needs to make time for, and it can be just as good even if it's not spontaneous. Honestly, I think sex is BETTER when I do have time to plan for it. I can freshly shave my legs, curl my hair, paint my nails, pick out my lingerie, and all of those rituals heightens my level of anticipation and ultimately make the sex BETTER between myself and my husband.

I've been with my husband for nearly five years now, and when we started having sex, it was very spontaneous and remained so for a while. But after he got a very time-consuming and high-maintenance job and we had a child, the sex started becoming less and less frequent. We were both unhappy about it.

Finally, I mentioned the fact that we should start scheduling our time together, and initially he balked, stating the SAME reasons. It wasn't romantic or spontaneous! But I encouraged him gently to at least give it a shot, and he found that after his initial reluctance, he always ends up enjoying himself and is glad we started scheduling our time together. I totally understand your reasons behind being reluctant, but please at least TRY it. I think you'll find that your relationship will improve and you'll both be much happier if you give it a try.

Thanks. I really appreciate this . Your words alleviate what seems to be quite a lot of unnecessary worry on my part. I think I reacted defensively when she proposed it - I am mired in schedules and meetings at work, seems like every second is accounted for sometimes, and did not want sex to be like that.

In retrospect her tone was encouraging and she was trying to say something positive. I will speak to her and try this out.

 

[goldenass]

Just read the other posts. A very wise group. The thoughts are very reassuring. I just want to say this really makes a difference for me, so thanks again.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

i agree with satindesire as well. scheduling may seem too unispired, but sometimes things change and one has to make the time for intimacy...especially if responsibilities increase. that doesn't mean creativity doesn't have to wane. on the "day", go all out by planning ahead some decor, activities, and whatnot. also, just because things seem too busy for sex...there is always time for foreplay...sexy calls at work (as long as they don't get anyone in trouble), love notes left around...build it up before the scheduled date.... hey.

 

[warrior queen]

i had to make the schedule for time, rather than for sex.
time together usually leads to sex in my case anyway - but it was the making time the thing that helped get HIS head around it.

strangely, since we've been having time-dates, our spontaneous sex has also increased.

 

[oPENsex]

To time or not to time...is that the question? I think that whenever she is ready, I am too and then the time is right..

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Because Mr and I don't live together, all of our time is scheduled

And I'll say that knowing when it's happening makes the build up so much sweeter. The anticipation and excitement of getting ready are fun!

 

[longdon812]

negotiating frequency

What can it hurt to plan a liitle play time,gives you both someting to anticipate. remember most relationships go the other way of bordom and contentment which leads to no sex an other problems

 

[george51]

Schedule? Every night...

 

[satindesire]

Thanks. I really appreciate this . Your words alleviate what seems to be quite a lot of unnecessary worry on my part. I think I reacted defensively when she proposed it - I am mired in schedules and meetings at work, seems like every second is accounted for sometimes, and did not want sex to be like that.

In retrospect her tone was encouraging and she was trying to say something positive. I will speak to her and try this out.

Thank you so much for keeping an open mind. I promise you won't be disappointed with the results!

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think scheduling sex means you don't ever have spontaneous sex ever again. If done properly, scheduled sex can actually be pretty hot, especially if you have something special planned, such as you can schedule next Tuesday that one of you will be the other person's slave for the night, etc. If have to admit to being a little confused though because you said she discussed "how often we should make love and on which days" and then later on you said "I am not sure if she wants more or less".

 

[Lil_Squish]

I remember a few times scheduled. It was actually great fun because of the build up. The release after waiting and anticipating was great.

 

[infinity706]

Thanks. I really appreciate this . Your words alleviate what seems to be quite a lot of unnecessary worry on my part. I think I reacted defensively when she proposed it - I am mired in schedules and meetings at work, seems like every second is accounted for sometimes, and did not want sex to be like that.

In retrospect her tone was encouraging and she was trying to say something positive. I will speak to her and try this out.

Well, you don't plan out every minute of the meetings, right? You don't have to plan out the sex, either. The only thing you're doing is setting a time that both of you know you're going to get your brains fucked out. It actually makes it easier to do spontaneous things, though. If you're going to go to the trouble to prepare for a wild night of hot sex, you want to make as sure as possible that you're going to get the sex, right? You can even have your own sessions where one of you is totally in charge (not necessarily in a BDSM sort of way) and gets the exact sex they want, only subject to the rules agreed upon in advance.

 

[goldenass]

I don't think scheduling sex means you don't ever have spontaneous sex ever again. If done properly, scheduled sex can actually be pretty hot, especially if you have something special planned, such as you can schedule next Tuesday that one of you will be the other person's slave for the night, etc. If have to admit to being a little confused though because you said she discussed "how often we should make love and on which days" and then later on you said "I am not sure if she wants more or less".

This was one of the difficult parts of the conversation I guess. She seemed to want to know how often a week I felt we needed to make love, and then which times were best (we can both get caught up in late hours at work and have lots of commitments throughout the week). Had I answered and said fifteen times a week she would have rolled her eyes. If I had said once or twice I am not sure how she would react. We usually have more. I really love our sex together, and she seems too also. Saying how much I need is awkward to me, perhaps because I have never thought about how much is enough. I suppose I could have just asked her how much she wanted - but I chickened out and opted for full evasion. She graciously let me...that time. I am encouraged by the many responses to raise it tonight when she is home.

 

[infinity706]

Well, it depends on the person, though, so you do need to think about it. I'd personally prefer sex 20 or more times in a week, even though I'm probably never going to get it.

 

[goldenass]

Well, it depends on the person, though, so you do need to think about it. I'd personally prefer sex 20 or more times in a week, even though I'm probably never going to get it.

Whew...I guess at twenty a week we wouldn't need time at the gym anymore.

 

[infinity706]

It's actually not that much of a workout. You see, I very rarely do penis in vagina/anus sex. Infact, I could probably have enough fingers to count the number of times it's happened.

Oh, and yes, I am a guy, just so there's no confusion.