need to learn the lifestyle, any doms willing to talk?

[jshell]

So here is my background. I have been in a normal monogomus relationship with the same woman for close to 7 years. We have both been divorced prior. I willingly admit I did my playing around after mine. She didn't. In fact she never really has experienced much in life as she had kids with her ex at 18. I have no kids of my own. We met shortly after our divorces. Fell in love and have been with each other since.

I love this woman more then I can express in words. She used to love me and on some level still does. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs as relationships do.

However last night she confessed that she has been talking to a dom/master who has been in the lifestyle for years. And has been for a few months without my knowledge. She says she wants to pursue a submissive role to him to "find herself". Which I totally understand. She has had a rough past (abuse/molestation).

So in our relationship she has been on guard and VERY demanding. I would even go as far to say she has worked her way to be the dominate one between the two of us. Mainly because I have walked on glass and given in to her every want even when I knew it would come back to bite me and us. But I did it because I thought she would be happy to have her way.

She told me that the main reason for pursuing this life is so she can learn to not be so controlling of the things and people (me) in her life. And that our relationship is going to dramitically change. And on a big level I agree that it does.

As much as I love her it hasn't been happy of late for either of us. And teaching her to not be so controlling is something I just cannot give her due to us being in our current roles within our relatioship. And I'm willing to support her in her decision. She still wants to be with me. But at this juncture she needs to find herself. And so do I.

So this is my plea. What is the lifestyle all about and what's the best way to support and be with her? My biggest concern is her having sex with other men. That thought makes my stomach turn. She claims that it's not all about sex and that she doesn't have to have sex with numerous people to be a submissive. How much say does she have in that aspect. PLEASE HELP. Sorry so long. I have a lot of questions.

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

Wow, where to start? (please forgive the rambling nature of this reply, but there are just so many pieces of your op):

First, you asked if any doms wanted to talk. I am not a dom; I am a slave. But I might be able to offer some insights into your lady’s mindset.

Asking questions is a good start. If you truly want to learn about your lady’s interests then you will need to read … a lot. The sticky thread here:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656
might be a good place to start.

As I read your description of her I really felt like you could have been describing my past. I was with a man (long ago) who treated me like gold. He would give me anything I wanted. He adored me. And I loved him. But I needed someone who would stand up to me and not let me walk all over him. That is why I left that relationship. I didn’t like who I was when I was with him.

In terms of “She claims that it's not all about sex and that she doesn't have to have sex with numerous people to be a submissive. How much say does she have in that aspect.” One thing you need to realize right now is that becoming a sub to someone does not mean you give up your mind, your rights, your own limits. Your lady will (or at least should since she is so new to this lifestyle) negotiate about what she will do, what she won’t do, what sorts of interests or limits she has, etc. Some people live a life where free choice is taken from them and they obey their dominant in all things with no limits. If she is just beginning and learning, then that is not somewhere she should go yet.

My personal opinion - being a sub means taking a greater responsibility for your actions, rather than less. To claim "my dominant made me do it" is a dangerous path when you are first learning and have just met someone. (not that you intimated that she said that, or would say that, but it is something i feel strongly about)

Truly, I think the big part of the issue facing you is if you are able to accept another man’s influence in your lady’s life. Are you ok with her obeying him? Are you ok with her striving to please him? Even if it means that you are not her priority.

I firmly believe that if you are not interested in this lifestyle and try to go along with it to make her happy, that you and she will both end up horribly miserable and eventually resenting each other.

And as an aside, your op is cumbersome due to the lack of spacing/ paragraph breaks. Next time, try to break it up a bit. Your posts will be much easier to read then.

But remember .... these are all just my opinions, views, experiences ... ymmv.

 

[jshell]

Aurella, thanks for the insight. I'm fine with her doing what she wants, as long as she come home to me.

And as far as my intrest in the lifestyle....I have always had an intrest, I just never expressed it to her for fear she wouldn't be into it. And maybe 2 years ago I would have been right.

I had a Dominatrix friend a few years ago (prior to meeting the woman I'm with now). And she had told me at that time I was too dominat myself for her to try and dominate me. With that being said, I'm surprised at how much I myself have done a role reversal to being more submissive to this woman. Oh how love can change someone....lol.

After this new revalation with my woman and the little discussion we had about it I can feel a spark of the old me coming back now that I know what her needs are. I'm just worried I'll interfer with her path with this lifestyle if I become too dominat in our relationship if I don't allow her dom to "break" her first (not sure if that was the right term).

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Aurella, thanks for the insight. I'm fine with her doing what she wants, as long as she come home to me.

And as far as my intrest in the lifestyle....I have always had an intrest, I just never expressed it to her for fear she wouldn't be into it. And maybe 2 years ago I would have been right.

I had a Dominatrix friend a few years ago (prior to meeting the woman I'm with now). And she had told me at that time I was too dominate myself for her to try and dominate me. With that being said, I'm surprised at how much I myself have done a role reversal to being more submissive to this woman. Oh how love can change someone....lol.

After this new revelation with my woman and the little discussion we had about it I can feel a spark of the old me coming back now that I know what her needs are. I'm just worried I'll interfere with her path with this lifestyle if I become too dominant in our relationship if I don't allow her dom to "break" her first (not sure if that was the right term).

First, I have to apologize and admit that I only *scanned* through your original post. The "wall o' text" style of posting just makes it too hard to actually READ. Jshell, could you be so kind as to hit the "Edit" button on that post and break it into more manageable paragraphs? Then I could probably read it and offer a more informed response.

As for the portion of your last post bolded here, it seems to me that you're implying that you want your relationship with this woman to continue, although quite likely in a somewhat different direction, that direction being with you being the dominant persona to her submissive persona. If this is correct, why would you want *another* Dominant to "break" (or train) her? Shouldn't the two of you explore this new territory together, so that she may learn your expectations and needs, and you may in turn learn her needs and desires?

(And please pardon the editing of your post. "Dominate" is almost exclusively used as a verb. The noun/adjective form of the word, "dominant," describes one's position, personality or behavior. It's kind of a general pet peeve around here.)

 

[jshell]

Sir Winston, I would absolutley love to explore the life style together. But, like I said in my original post (I separated it like you asked) we have been in our own little roles within our relationship for so long, we're kind of in a rut. Also this is all so new to me I. Would have no idea what I would be doing. Plus I kind of agree with her needing outside influences for her own journey. My biggest worry if I suddenly tried to be her dom is it would break what we have.

Before all this came up we were very close to a break up. To the point that we temporarily separated. So this is all new ground for the both of us. But the bright side is now that she has come out with it we are both opening up more to each other. I just am unsure what steps I need to take.......

 

[subwannabe]

Hmmmmmmmmm. You've got a lot of problems here. I don't really think her coming out is as much a positive as you think, even though keeping it secret was definetly the wrong way to go. The only thing that is really going to save your relationship is if she dumps this dom and allows you to take more of a role of what he was providing. I think you are having wishful thinking if you think this dom of hers is going to somehow make her less dominant towards you. In fact, it could even have the opposite effect. Many subs are not subs 24/7. Many subs can be important and dominant people like managers, corporate officers, etc and then get their opposite needs met away from their "normal" lives. She could very well get her submissive needs met by this dom and then turn around and be even more dominant toward you. This all reeks of disaster in my opinion unless she is willing to let all of her needs be provided by you. Maybe counseling would be in order if both of you were still willing to work on the relationship but this will only work if she is willing to get rid of him. You are in fantasy land if you think it's going to work out staying together and allowing her to have a dom on the side. I'm not saying that other people can't do this but in my opinion your relationship will not be able to withstand the extra strain.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have *never* agreed with the whole "but... But... But... I have to experience a REAL dominant before I can see you [the man I love, and claim to want to serve] as a dominant presence in my life!"

BS.

If she wants to submit, she will. If she wants to [gradually] hand you control, she will. It sounds like you're up against some erotica influences, with a fun [secret] side of cybersex. A rough past isn't an excuse, abuse isn't an excuse, going outside the relationship isn't an excuse... Adults (generally) do have some control over their behavior (even if they've survived a bad past).

Dump the "Dom", outline how you each define "dominance" and "submission", and start owning the relationship you want.

 

[Red Sonja]

I have *never* agreed with the whole "but... But... But... I have to experience a REAL dominant before I can see you [the man I love, and claim to want to serve] as a dominant presence in my life!"

BS.

If she wants to submit, she will. If she wants to [gradually] hand you control, she will. It sounds like you're up against some erotica influences, with a fun [secret] side of cybersex. A rough past isn't an excuse, abuse isn't an excuse, going outside the relationship isn't an excuse... Adults (generally) do have some control over their behavior (even if they've survived a bad past).

Dump the "Dom", outline how you each define "dominance" and "submission", and start owning the relationship you want.

This. In a nutshell.

 

[Loverskitten]

I really just skimmed your post, as I should be doing other things. Maybe I can add more later but...
A couple things that pop out to me, yes, it isn't all about sex but it MOSTLY is about sex.
I know you love her but I think you should find someone who appreciates you for you, not want to change you. Also, don't expect her relationship with someone else to change how she treats you. She hasn't been honest, do you think she will when things turn sexual?
Be honest with yourself about how you feel too.

Quite a pickle. Personally I'd step away, but that's me.

I know I had more to say, but my mind is elsewhere today. I'll be back.

 

[jshell]

Thank you all for your posts. I will take it all into consideration.

A little update. She is still being very open to me about things. And things between us have imporved a little, she actually gave me a kiss the other day as I was leaving for a job interview. She hasn't given me a kiss in months. And as far as I know she has been telling me everything that her and the dom talk about, to include things they have talked about the past few months. Which is still a shock to me because she has never been this open with me.

I know that it's probably just my heart keeping me going, but some things have happened recently that might work in my favor. New job for one, I will be able to provide for her needs better now. Which was the biggest issue we had. In fact the dom is very wealthy which is one of the reasons she sought this out.

So please keep the advise coming different views on this subject are very appreciated.

 

[Loverskitten]

New job for one, I will be able to provide for her needs better now. Which was the biggest issue we had. In fact the dom is very wealthy which is one of the reasons she sought this out.

Good thing you know she'll be there in good and bad times

 

[CutieMouse]

In fact the [cyber?] dom is [claims to be] very wealthy which is one of the reasons she sought this out.

Fixed that for ya.

I recognize you've been together quite a while; however, your partner appears to be drinking the 50 Shades of Gray kool-aid.

 

[midwestyankee]

Fixed that for ya.

I recognize you've been together quite a while; however, your partner appears to be drinking the 50 Shades of Gray kool-aid.

Shuddering at this. Now you have me cringing over the existential question, "What flavor us gray kool aid?"

 

[jshell]

Cutiemouse, funny you say that, after she started talking to this dom, that's the book she started reading and actually said that she kind of wants that type of relationship with this guy, I think she thinks that is what they lifestyle is all about. I haven't read it yet, but I heard an exerpt from it and that is where my confusion about "it's not about having sex" comes from.

 

[CutieMouse]

Cutiemouse, funny you say that, after she started talking to this dom, that's the book she started reading and actually said that she kind of wants that type of relationship with this guy, I think she thinks that is what they lifestyle is all about. I haven't read it yet, but I heard an exerpt from it and that is where my confusion about "it's not about having sex" comes from.

Let me summarize it for you-

Unbelievably rich, automatically handsome guy under the age if 30 sweeps a 20-something virgin off her feet... A 21st century virgin who doesn't know much about email, or men, and would rather say "down there", than acknowledge that she's a biological female. The only problem? He's "damaged goods" [AKA domibant] because of an abusive childhood.

So she "puts up with" his (highly sexualized) "abuse", because because he's rich. And troubled. And rich. Whenever he feels guilty for "abusing her, she ends up draped in diamonds.

I believe she eventually "cures" him by book 3, so she no longer has to "suffer" to benefit from his wealth.

Ya know, I've been doing this kinky shit for almost 10 years now, and while I've had my share if well-to-do partners... I have never experienced, or known someone who has experienced, a relationship as described in 50 Shades if Tripe.

 

[jshell]

Mouse, interesting (the story line) I'll have to read it sometime. The funny thing is I was never abused, molested, or sheltered in any way. I grew up with both my parents who are still together. Most would consider my family average to upper middle class. But yet I have a very dark side to me. More so then what I have seen in bdsm videos and even a few clubs I have been to. I have an extremly HIGH pain tolerance and have yet to find my limit. But I've just never really gotten into the lifestyle. So for her to want to do this is kind of a shock and a disappointment on my part because I never expressed it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Mouse, interesting (the story line) I'll have to read it sometime. The funny thing is I was never abused, molested, or sheltered in any way. I grew up with both my parents who are still together. Most would consider my family average to upper middle class. But yet I have a very dark side to me. More so then what I have seen in bdsm videos and even a few clubs I have been to. I have an extremly HIGH pain tolerance and have yet to find my limit. But I've just never really gotten into the lifestyle. So for her to want to do this is kind of a shock and a disappointment on my part because I never expressed it.

And if you speak with people who actually practice BDSM and/or live in power based relationships, you will find the number of persons (on both sides of the D/s) who have suffered abuse, difficulties, hardships, etc to be roughly the same as those who *don't* [practice BDSM and/or live in power based relationships].

Fiction is rarely a good resource for real life...

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

jshell, I hate to say this but I really think you are heading down a road to heartbreak and loneliness.

And 50 Shades is crap - the BDSM characterization is crap ... and the writing itself is crap.

I wish you happiness.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you all for your posts. I will take it all into consideration.

A little update. She is still being very open to me about things. And things between us have imporved a little, she actually gave me a kiss the other day as I was leaving for a job interview. She hasn't given me a kiss in months. And as far as I know she has been telling me everything that her and the dom talk about, to include things they have talked about the past few months. Which is still a shock to me because she has never been this open with me.

I know that it's probably just my heart keeping me going, but some things have happened recently that might work in my favor. New job for one, I will be able to provide for her needs better now. Which was the biggest issue we had. In fact the dom is very wealthy which is one of the reasons she sought this out.

So please keep the advise coming different views on this subject are very appreciated.

Um, is she sure about the bolded?

Because not so many Doms are very wealthy, actually. What makes a really good Dom -- at least, good for the woman-- is not what makes a man gather wealth. In my opinion.

There are an awful lot of con artists prowling around looking for suckers-- I mean, looking for submissives. Financial cons are plenty out there.

 

[Netzach]

You don't need to develop a dom side to keep her. You need to hone your inner self-disciplinary side that has a minimum about how other people treat you.

And yeah, I've been as much of an all around fuck up as this girl, minus the golddigging and the sub part....but that only informs my advice more. Let her grow up somewhere else.

 

[subwannabe]

Let me get this straight, as long as she has a rich man to take care of her she will be happy? As long as you can provide better for her, she will be happy? Even though you have a better job now and can take care of her better she still wants the rich dom on the side? She is very shallow and your relationship is doomed if it is based on money only. You sound a little bit like another guy who posted here recently named "Victorious". He had a long thread dealing with a wife that needed to be taken care of better, financially. Money was everything to her. You can only buy love for a while. He found out in the end that it didn't work out and you will too. Get out now while you can and find someone who is not so shallow.

 

[Salenku]

Darling, if you have any self respect, leave her to it. Alone. You deserve better than a kiss every few months and being second fiddle to someone else. She'll realise what she's lost at some point, but you'll be happy with someone (or two or three) by then.

What is it that YOU want? Go get it.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Sounds to me that she wants to keep you around so that if things don't work out with him she knows that she still has you as a back up.

It also sounds more manuiplative than anything else. The kiss was probably her way of "keeping you sweet". You know the old give them what you think they want so they stay around.

 

[daikarasu]

There is deff a LOT to address here, so I'm just going to cover some basic points, and then speak to my own opinion about things. Well, maybe I will flip flop that around.

Alright, so first off, I think that while I can understand where she got the idea that her doing this will help round her out as a human being, she's going about it the entirely wrong way. BDSM is not about learning to become a more well rounded human being, it's about filling a sexual role that one enjoys, it's a game basically. If she is trying to be less dominant over you in life, then the answers she wants are NOT going to be found in BDSM, especially not to a guy who is not you. BDSM is about absolute trust in each other. The submissive trusts the dom to fufill their desires, and to stop if they feel things have gone too far (which is why we use safewords).

What she needs is psychiatric help of some variety, if she truly wants to change her behavior, not a man who is a dom to make her his submissive. What you guys really need to do is work on things with each other. You need to talk to her, and for the love of all things logical, ask her to give up on this other guy. A relationship is between equals, and if things aren't going to work out for you two, then the best thing to do is to end the relationship and find one that is better for you.

Now, on to the aspect of my being a dom. As a Dom, I enjoy controling someone in bed, I get off on them calling me things like master, sir, that kind of thing. It is my job to make sure that they get off in a mindblowing way. I have to fufill their trust, which is often time absolute. Outside of the bedroom, I find it incredibly annoying to be called master, sir, anything like that, and have had to end relationships because the sub was too much of one in all aspects of life.
I like my subs to have a strong personality, and a high level of independence in the rest of their life. I know this is not true for everybody, but it's important to remember that sex is only a part of all that life offers, and in the rest of life your partner should be on equals with you as much as is possible.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm going to just throw out the D/s angle completely, and say this: This woman is saying, in no uncertain terms, that she does not value you. She does not want you in her life.

Really.

This is painful to hear, and even more difficult to accept.

But your job must be to believe her.