Need some outside perspective

[ConstantineIII]

Recently, in the course of conversation, I told a friend of mine that my wife and I were interested in inviting her into our bed. She said she was flattered, and that she would like to; however, she was nervous about accepting because of the relationship she is in.

Normally, I wouldn't have said anything to her, especially had I known that she was in a relationship (at the point in time that I talked to her, I assumed that she was single), but the relationship she was referring to is an on again, off again situation where she usually ends up being hurt and humiliated before she heads back to him.

Regardless of my opinion of her relationship, I feel somewhat the heel now. After we had talked about the possibility of her joining my wife and I, she mentioned her boyfriend, and she even suggested that she was reconsidering her relationship with him. I am an open individual in most matters, especially sexual ones, so I have continued to flirt with her, and she seemed to enjoy the attention, but when I asked her if it bothered her, she said that she enjoyed the attention but felt guilty because she would be upset if her boyfriend had a similar conversation with another woman.

Now I am at a loss. I do not know if she decided to stay with her boyfriend, and that is the reason that she feels guilty, or if she just feels guilty because she hasn't told him that she wants to leave yet. Also, while I think I know her well enough to read her, I am not sure if she is just patronizing me.

At this point, the cat is out of the bag, but being a ethical and kind person, I don't want to cause her any undue stress or difficulties, and while I do not think that the relationship that she is in is a good one, it is ultimately her decision how to live her own life, and I have no right to judge it one way or the other.

I am wondering if anyone here has been in a similar situation, and if so, how that situation played out. Obviously, I am interested in any thoughts regardless of whether or not you have been in a similar situation.

 

[SweetErika]

Now I am at a loss. I do not know if she decided to stay with her boyfriend, and that is the reason that she feels guilty, or if she just feels guilty because she hasn't told him that she wants to leave yet. Also, while I think I know her well enough to read her, I am not sure if she is just patronizing me.

Why does her reasoning and decisions regarding HER relationship matter to you at all?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you invited her into a threesome, she declined, and as an adult, she should let you know if her answer changes in the future (because she decides to ditch the current bf or cheat on him or whatever). You continued to flirt with her, and she let you know she wasn't totally on board with that. As an ethical adult, you should respect her wishes and give her the time and space she needs to sort her stuff out.

If that's about the gist of it, I'm not really sure where the conflict is coming in for you, or what the problem is.

Or am I totally missing the boat?

 

[ConstantineIII]

I guess my main confusion, and after looking back at my original post I can see that I really didn't touch on it, is that I feel like I am getting mixed signals. At one point she will flirt with me, and make reference to my offer, then when I said something to the effect of, "You really like the attention don't you?" she responded with "Yes, but I feel guilty."

However, and I suppose I will chalk it up to denial that I didn't realize it myself, I think that regardless of mixed signals you are most probably correct in your perspective.

Thank you for the reply.

 

[bruisedangel]

It's entirely possible that she just enjoys the attention from you. End of story. While, yes, she may well be flattered that you've invited her to create a menage a trois, she may well have absolutely no interest in joining in. It's easier, and far kinder, to tell you that, instead of saying 'thanks, but, no thanks.' Furthermore, for a good many people, both men and women, attention is a welcome reminder that one is indeed attractive to forces outside of the current relationship.

 

[timy756]

You only live once.

 

[subwannabe]

This sounds easy to me. You just wait until her relationship is "off again" and re-ask or simply let her know that when it is off to let you know.

 

[CWatson]

I'm with bruisedangel. Mixed signals are generally an indication that either 1) she doesn't know her own heart, or 2) she knows it but doesn't want to tell you. It's entirely possible that she likes being flirted with (most people do) but isn't interested in you and/or your wife sexually, and is simply trying to be polite about that.

Just stop bringing it up. Instant lowering of awkwardness level.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

This sounds easy to me. You just wait until her relationship is "off again" and re-ask or simply let her know that when it is off to let you know.

can't agree more - when she is ready, guilt-free, then it just might happen. it seems you are being a little over eager of making it happen - give her the time and space she needs until she is comfortable with it all.

in the mean time, if your wife is open to it - go find another woman who you both want!

 

[unmorph]

I'm siding with the majority on this one. Tone down the flirtiness to friendliness. If and when she decides it's right for her, she will find a way to bring the topic back up.

Go back to looking at her as a friend instead of a potential sexual partner. I know it's easier said than done, but do your best. It will take the pressure off of her, and you will stress over this issue much less.