Need some help

[fondofmoisture]

My wife and I have a couple that we ve hung out with for the past 10 years.Our children have grown up together and we ve spent a lot of time with each other.I ve never considered cheating with the wife of the other couple but recently I went out with the friends while my wife stayed home to baby sit her sisters baby.During this outing the wife of our friends came on to me pretty strong.Now I m a man.When a woman comes on to you it s very hard to walk away.So far I have but I want her very bad and it seems it s all I think about.Any man would know what I m talking about.My problem is that I know if I give into this temptation that I will feel so guilty that I wouldn t be able to look at my wife.I love my wife but after 21 years I sure would like to have this.Does anyone understand where I m coming from.If so help me out.Especially women.How do I handle this.I want her bad.

 

[Eilan]

Sounds to me like you're seeking validation from us, not advice. I can't help you with that. Sorry.

 

[EJFan]

have you asked your wife what she thinks? i know it sounds silly but that's always the best and first course of action in these kinds of situations.

you may think you know her stance on the issue but you MIGHT be surprised... try bringing it up in a hypothetical, conversational sort of tone.

btw... it's generally NOT a good idea to have an out-of-marriage experience with a person or couple with whom you have a long-standing friendship. not that it never works, but it's usually better to cultivate a new friendship with a person or couple if you're thinking of swinging or cheating or what have you.

 

[silverwhisper]

stepping out is a very, very bad idea, esp b/c your lives are already tangled up in stuff. yes, you want her and i have no doubt that she looks great and fucks like a minx. but one sexual encounter isn't worth 21 years of marriage and the respect of your kids. you already know the guilt will be bad.

yes, it's hard to walk away from that: i know. here's what i propose:

1. tell your wife. this does two things: a) lets her know that this woman is a threat to your marriage and b) eases your guilt for not having told her already.
2. avoid being alone with these friends. you don't know if this is something they're orchestrating together or what.
3. remember that if you do this, you run the risk of wrecking two marriages: hers and yours.

you don't say anything about your relationship w/ your wife. i'm guessing however that it isn't perfect: if it were, you wouldn't be asking this question. it seems to me that the two of you need to take a vacation w/out the kids and re-connect.

finally a question: where the hell was the husband when she came on to you? do you have any idea if he's in on this or not?

ed

 

[EJFan]

1. tell your wife. this does two things: a) lets her know that this woman is a threat to your marriage and b) eases your guilt for not having told her already.

i have to disagree with this one dude. easing his guilt is very self serving and will only make her angry or threatened or skiddish or any of a host of other not so good things. besides... this other broad is only a threat if this guy wants an affair, isn't allowed to have one and acts on it in spite of all of this.

finally a question: where the hell was the husband when she came on to you? do you have any idea if he's in on this or not?

this is an incredible question... i'm wondering the same thing myself.

 

[silverwhisper]

EJ: feel free to disagree, but frankly, this is IMHO a very small price to pay given what's at stake. i think that if he's asking the questions he's asking, we can reasonably infer he's got just a smidge of interest.

also, if this woman is supposed to be their friend, then the wife should know that her friend isn't quite as good a friend as she might think.

ed

 

[Ravin the Poet]

finally a question: where the hell was the husband when she came on to you? do you have any idea if he's in on this or not?

My guess...with the wife


But seriously, I can't beileve someone could do this. 21 years of marriage, children and we as humans still can't control ourseleves. We need to step out and test the waters still. It's people like this who should not be married, or take longer to decide.

My advice, be a man about it. You have a wife and children, and if you can say "I don't love them" then I give you permission to go fuck the friend. But if you can't say it, you already know what you should do, and you wouldn't be asking us.


Ravin

 

[Eilan]

Now I m a man.When a woman comes on to you it s very hard to walk away.

Any man would know what I m talking about.

My husband, when he was married to his ex, was in a situation in which her "best friend" came onto him (it happened only once). Yeah, he was tempted. Who wouldn't have been? However, he was also committed to his (ex) wife, and THAT was more important to him than a piece of ass, no matter how appealing the prospect was at the time. My husband and his ex worked AND socialized with this couple, and he didn't see any reason to fuck things up.

 

[londonaberdeen]

Incite anger from women

I know I will get hell for this admission but as someone who HAS cheated in the past, it is not worth it.

I cheated around 10 years ago and regret it every day, think about it every day.

I am so disgusted in myself, I am a total disappointment to me and my SO.

You can't walk up the street for thinking you might meet and something be said. With a friend it's worse. Can you go out to dinner with them again? Hell no! Your wife will notice, even small looks she will notice.

I can only tell you I still think of it everyday, not in a good way either.

I really fucked up and it hurts like hell inside.

By the way, I've never been found out. Will never tell her, it's my cross to bare.

 

[dollface007]

Fidelity wouldn't be very meaningful if it was easy to practice, now would it. You're a better man than that, and you're asking for trouble if you go through with it.

I know a lot of people agree to open marriages, etc, but I'm guessing your wife did not. After seeing how my mother's family was devastated by my grandfather's infidelities, I cannot recommend cheating.

 

[Eilan]

After seeing how my mother's family was devastated by my grandfather's infidelities, I cannot recommend cheating.

My father cheated on my mother (interestingly, he accused HER of cheating from the very beginning of their marriage). It's one of many reasons that, to this day, I have very little respect for my dad.

My ex cheated on me as well, though he doesn't consider it "cheating." Though I'm not exactly sure what else to call developing an emotional relationship with someone else and then leaving one's family to begin a sexual relatonship with that person.

Although we did make a semi-half-hearted attempt at reconciliation, I had the feeling that I would never fully trust him again. If he had to work late (or work on a weekend), I probably would have had this little voice in my head wondering if that's what he was REALLY up to. And I'm not by nature a jealous person.

 

[SweetErika]

have you asked your wife what she thinks? i know it sounds silly but that's always the best and first course of action in these kinds of situations.

you may think you know her stance on the issue but you MIGHT be surprised... try bringing it up in a hypothetical, conversational sort of tone.

Agreed. As difficult as it can be talk about these things, I've always forced myself to because I know living with the guilt of NOT telling my husband everything would be sheer hell and ruin me and us eventually. Whenever I've summoned up the courage to talk about it, I've been pleasantly shocked at his reaction, especially since he has pretty traditional views on sex and marriage.

I know I will get hell for this admission but as someone who HAS cheated in the past, it is not worth it.

I hope no one here would give you hell for sharing something you clearly regret and don't suggest to others. Thanks for opening up for the benefit of others.

 

[Eilan]

I hope no one here would give you hell for sharing something you clearly regret and don't suggest to others. Thanks for opening up for the benefit of others.

I second this.

 

[fgarvb1]

My wife and I have a couple that we ve hung out with for the past 10 years.Our children have grown up together and we ve spent a lot of time with each other.I ve never considered cheating with the wife of the other couple but recently I went out with the friends while my wife stayed home to baby sit her sisters baby.During this outing the wife of our friends came on to me pretty strong.Now I m a man.When a woman comes on to you it s very hard to walk away.So far I have but I want her very bad and it seems it s all I think about.Any man would know what I m talking about.My problem is that I know if I give into this temptation that I will feel so guilty that I wouldn t be able to look at my wife.I love my wife but after 21 years I sure would like to have this.Does anyone understand where I m coming from.If so help me out.Especially women.How do I handle this.I want her bad.

.................................................................................................................................

It is called temptation! How you made it 21 years and only now are being tempted is beyond me. Nothing wrong with being tempted.

The risk is great, the payoff is trouble one way or the other.

Be true to yourself and your wife. In the long run you will not regret it.

Unless your wife says you can.

 

[Cathleen]

My wife and I have a couple that we ve hung out with for the past 10 years.Our children have grown up together and we ve spent a lot of time with each other.I ve never considered cheating with the wife of the other couple but recently I went out with the friends while my wife stayed home to baby sit her sisters baby.During this outing the wife of our friends came on to me pretty strong. Now I m a man.When a woman comes on to you it s very hard to walk away. So far I have but I want her very bad and it seems it s all I think about.Any man would know what I m talking about.My problem is that I know if I give into this temptation that I will feel so guilty that I wouldn t be able to look at my wife.I love my wife but after 21 years I sure would like to have this.Does anyone understand where I m coming from.If so help me out.Especially women.How do I handle this.I want her bad.

Now I m a man.When a woman comes on to you it s very hard to walk away.

Any man would know what I m talking about.

My problem is that I know if I give into this temptation that I will feel so guilty that I wouldn t be able to look at my wife.


I pulled these lines out...


First of all, when did it happen that only men get tempted. You are tempted (not because you're a man, because your human). You answer your own quandry, you will feel guilty and you won't be able to look at your wife.

You're asking us 'how do I handle this?', you deal with it, you want her, you're tempted... yeah, so what? I don't mean to be flippant, you're human, we all are... we don't always get what we want. As adults we use our brains, experiences, conscious and heart to make decisions such as these. I think you know your answer.

I know I will get hell for this admission but as someone who HAS cheated in the past, it is not worth it.

I cheated around 10 years ago and regret it every day, think about it every day.

I am so disgusted in myself, I am a total disappointment to me and my SO.

You can't walk up the street for thinking you might meet and something be said. With a friend it's worse. Can you go out to dinner with them again? Hell no! Your wife will notice, even small looks she will notice.

I can only tell you I still think of it everyday, not in a good way either.

I really fucked up and it hurts like hell inside.

By the way, I've never been found out. Will never tell her, it's my cross to bare.

No way would I slam you - in the first place I've been the other woman and regret it a lot. Secondly, back to that human condition and your response was heartfelt.

 

[cmmots]

Heres food for thought. Suppose just maybe that your wife is testing you by putting another woman up to tempting you? I'd say tell her that this woman was coming on to you and basically just talk to your wife about it.

 

[SnoopDog]

.................................................................................................................................

It is called temptation! How you made it 21 years and only now are being tempted is beyond me. Nothing wrong with being tempted.

The risk is great, the payoff is trouble one way or the other.

Be true to yourself and your wife. In the long run you will not regret it.

Unless your wife says you can.

I'm not the best guy to ask for advice in such a situation. BUT Iwould agree here and say that you wouldn't want to throw away 21 years of happy marriage just for this one exciting experience. Enjoy the fact that you've been hit on, but I'd not go any further.

Being a man I can understand the temptation but c'mon. If you love your wife than the best thing to do is talk to her and tell her that once in a while you want to get hit on by HER again instead of getting these rushes out of flirting with other women.

Snoopy

 

[M's girl]

You ask for the advice from women mostly but what I found interesting so far is the response from the men. And I'm pleasently surprised I might add. I found cmmots idea interesting since it had crossed my mind also. I'm not so sure about telling your wife about the other woman coming on to you for that reason. It might ruin your long time friendship with the other couple. I know the relationship with your wife is more important but maybe you could save both. If you tell her now she will get the result she wanted IF it was her who put the other woman up for coming on to you. If not, it might make her insecure plus she will probably want to end the friendship with the couple all together.

Can't you confront the other woman? Since she's a long time friend... why don't you tell her that yes, you find her attractive and you might even be tempted but you're devoted to your wife and marriage so would she please stop coming on to you? I guess I was in a similar situation once and this is how I handled it. I told the guy it felt like a compliment but that I could not (and did not want to) go into that. It made it easier for me, I guess, that the invatuation was not mutual... But I never told my BF at the time. It would have ruined the friendship for him and his friend and since nothing had happened I thought it was not worth it. I must say that if the other guy would have insisted after me telling him NO basically, I would have told my BF after all.

Life is full of temptation. It's everywhere. And it's different to different people. You always have to weigh the risk of what you stand to lose if you give into temptation. In this case think it's quite a lot!

 

[Scorn]

Hi this is my first post. I am the person that was cheated on in my relationship of 18yrs with my husband.

If you feel like cheating then I think that there is a chance that something might be missing in your marriage, talk to your wife and tell her what it is you need from her. Have enough respect for her to give her this opportunity and be very clear.

The hurt that cheating can cause both people in the relationship and the kids is just not worth what you will be getting by cheating. The guilt that my husband is now constantly feeling is also destroying him.

Good Luck with your decision

 

[Lyrical Fool]

i have to disagree with this one dude. easing his guilt is very self serving and will only make her angry or threatened or skiddish or any of a host of other not so good things. besides... this other broad is only a threat if this guy wants an affair, isn't allowed to have one and acts on it in spite of all of this.

I'd agree with this as a woman.

If you want it that bad, talk in hypotheticals with the wife.

If you, or you and your wife, decide against it, then be upfront with the other woman. Be honest. Tell her that you didn't tell your wife because you didn't want to strain their friendship, but if it happens again, you will.

Not a threat, just the way things should be, IMO.

 

[Alsharlan]

Spreading it around

bad idea mate... it will come back to bite you in some way down the track... even if only in your mind.

At worst, remember Robin Williams comment about divorce "drawn from the Latin statement for removing your genitals via your wallet".

Don't do it is my opinion

TC

Al