Need some help/advice

[TallTimbers35]

OK. I'm opening myself up a bit here and this may be somewhat long, so I apologize in advance.

Here's my problem:
I'm a married man in a sexless marriage. Well, it's not completely sexless, she is willing to "roll over and take it" when I indicate a readiness, but she never seems to enjoy it and doesn't even really seem to care whether it happens or not.

After 24 years of this, I'm tired of always initiating. In a nutshell, I want a couple of things to happen: a) I want to feel like I'm wanted and desired physically. Like from time she'll ache for me or some such. Something that will let her initiate and let me know she enjoys sex. b) I want to, just once, rock her world so that days later she'll still be recalling it.

Right now I'm feeling very broken.

She has never masturbated, and, as far as I know (and I'm her only partner ever) she has never reached climax.

I have tried many tricks learned on sites like this to bring her there. I've never seen her nipples get hard, I've never seen her panties get wet, never heard her little moans of pleasure.

I get her close when I'm eating her out or playing with her, but she stops me and says it hurts. Some have told me that maybe she's afraid of losing control and won't let herself go over the edge. This makes some sense to me given the type of personality she is outside of the bedroom.

She won't discuss sex, finds it distasteful and gross. Has never done oral on me, though she'll let me do it on her. Doesn't shave ("it itches") her pubes, and doesn't really seem all too intersted in what feels good to me or even to herself.

So...that's it in a sort of long nutshell...

I'm asking if there are others out there who have similar situations who may have overcome it. And if so, how.

Or anyone who has advice.

Fellas, some of you might know some things I could try that have worked for you. Ladies, maybe you could open a portal to what she might be going through.

I have no idea. I just know I'm tired of feeling like she's "fulfilling her duty" any time I'm horny. And I'm tired of taking care of things by hand. I yearn for the touch of a woman and to have some fun in the bedroom.

Can you advise?

Oh and please try to leave all ridicule behind. I'm very serious about this and don't need you to belittle the size of my cock, my lack of prowess or whatever else folks my find to pick on. Thank you.

 

[piddlyass]

I'm so sorry. I don't envy you in your position. I would tend to think this is a more psychological issue than an organic one. I'm sure many will suggest looking for a clinical practitioner, i.e. psychiatrist, psychologist, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). I strongly suggest the same. Psychologists and LCSW's are excellent counselors. You should be able to find some that specialize in sexual dysfunction. It's a really good place to start and if it isn't where you need to be, I would bet they can point you in the right direction. I'm not going to offer a long list of possibilities as I am no longer a medical practitioner and I don't offer medical advice any longer. I can only give you a layman's opinion. I think she needs help and you are the best person to get that started. Perhaps you can both find some happiness.
Best of luck with this.
-R

 

[TallTimbers35]

agreed....but....

Even talking about sex with me disgusts her. I think she would have a hell of a time discussing it with a total stranger. She's uncomfortable talking to a doctor about general health issues with a dr.

I've tried to suggest seeing a counselor. She just poo-poos the idea (mostly for financial reasons she says, but who knows the reason in reality).

If I felt comfortable talking to her sisters or family members, they might be able to convince her, but we don't talk about stuff like that.

I'll keep trying. Thanks for the advice.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Generally speaking a 'professional' exists to exhaust your insurance and wont do anything that exposes her to a lawsuit, so she'll offer happy chatter and hugs and Kleenex. Plus patients almost always resist challenges and insights. Its an expensive waste of time. The industry marketing mantra is: If they don't have a good time they wont keep coming back. I stopped doing psychotherapy when a client complained that I wouldn't let him smoke in sessions tho its against the law and violated policy.

Sex is one of those things people need and want, like meals and sleep. If the kitchen needs cleaning, if the cook is inept and uninspired, if the ingredients taste like shit could be problems. Work on the simple things before you invite professional home-wreckers in.

 

[piddlyass]

You're welcome and I am sorry. It's never easy getting started. Chances are high, the clinicians you will encounter have experience with reluctant patients. If she doesn't talk about her feelings, fears, experiences etc., with you or her family, she needs to talk to someone. The situation may end up as more of the same if not. I don't mean for this to sound like a brow beating session. I've just never been one that enjoys seeing others in distress.
-R

 

[fire_breeze]

OK. I'm opening myself up a bit here and this may be somewhat long, so I apologize in advance.

Here's my problem:
I'm a married man in a sexless marriage. Well, it's not completely sexless, she is willing to "roll over and take it" when I indicate a readiness, but she never seems to enjoy it and doesn't even really seem to care whether it happens or not.

After 24 years of this, I'm tired of always initiating. In a nutshell, I want a couple of things to happen: a) I want to feel like I'm wanted and desired physically. Like from time she'll ache for me or some such. Something that will let her initiate and let me know she enjoys sex. b) I want to, just once, rock her world so that days later she'll still be recalling it.

Right now I'm feeling very broken.

She has never masturbated, and, as far as I know (and I'm her only partner ever) she has never reached climax.

I have tried many tricks learned on sites like this to bring her there. I've never seen her nipples get hard, I've never seen her panties get wet, never heard her little moans of pleasure.

I get her close when I'm eating her out or playing with her, but she stops me and says it hurts. Some have told me that maybe she's afraid of losing control and won't let herself go over the edge. This makes some sense to me given the type of personality she is outside of the bedroom.

She won't discuss sex, finds it distasteful and gross. Has never done oral on me, though she'll let me do it on her. Doesn't shave ("it itches") her pubes, and doesn't really seem all too intersted in what feels good to me or even to herself.

So...that's it in a sort of long nutshell...

I'm asking if there are others out there who have similar situations who may have overcome it. And if so, how.

Or anyone who has advice.

Fellas, some of you might know some things I could try that have worked for you. Ladies, maybe you could open a portal to what she might be going through.

I have no idea. I just know I'm tired of feeling like she's "fulfilling her duty" any time I'm horny. And I'm tired of taking care of things by hand. I yearn for the touch of a woman and to have some fun in the bedroom.

Can you advise?

Oh and please try to leave all ridicule behind. I'm very serious about this and don't need you to belittle the size of my cock, my lack of prowess or whatever else folks my find to pick on. Thank you.

Even talking about sex with me disgusts her. I think she would have a hell of a time discussing it with a total stranger. She's uncomfortable talking to a doctor about general health issues with a dr.

I've tried to suggest seeing a counselor. She just poo-poos the idea (mostly for financial reasons she says, but who knows the reason in reality).

If I felt comfortable talking to her sisters or family members, they might be able to convince her, but we don't talk about stuff like that.

I'll keep trying. Thanks for the advice.

I would insist on the idea of going to a counsellor, if not to understand her sexual inhibitions but also to learn to communicate with each other.

There may be many reasons for her lack of sexual enthusiasm: she may have been abused, she may have come from a background where sex was considered to be dirty or not something that 'nice' girls want (I am not suggesting that this has to do with religion - I've known of plenty of irreligious and atheists who thinks that sex is disgusting or should only done occasionally); she may have an underlying medical problem or she may just not be sexual. There are people like that, and that's okay.

I would suggest that you ask her why does she find sex unappealing, what it is about it that turns her off. And I also would suggest that you tell her what sex means for you (I would avoid 'it feels good' and go with something how you feel that you connect with her on a deeper level or whatever). Be prepared to listen - and truly hear - what your wife is saying, and try to have this conversation in a neutral environment where you both feel safe and do not attack each other.

But definitely go with the counselling.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Just so I'm clear, you've been married 24 years and you're her only consensual sexual partner? So things were like this 25 years ago, and you want to know what to do now to change it?

I'm not saying you haven't tried to change things the whole time you've been together. I'm not saying you haven't ached and hurt and wanted better. But you've known this was her level of interest and comfort with sex for 25 years. If I understand you correctly, the two of you have never had a sexual relationship. What reason would she possibly have to change things now?

Your wife may have vaginismus, if she hurts when sexually stimulated. She may have been sexually assaulted before you knew her. She may be asexual. She may be a lesbian. She may never have been attracted to you. The fact is, it's been 25 years and she hasn't told you. Do you have any reasonable expectation that she'd tell you now?

 

[hulmule]

Well I feel like you wrote my story. in just about the same boat. my wife is on Zoloft. she wants nothing to do with sex. I feel like you, lonely, just want some one to hug and kiss me. You don't know how much I feel your pain. Is she depressed? My wife grew up in a alcoholic family. some of that stems from that. A lot of baggage that goes with that also. I would like just to meet someone to chat with, good talk. I would do anything just to neck for a little while.im sorry I don't have an answer for you. good luck

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Well I feel like you wrote my story. in just about the same boat. my wife is on Zoloft. she wants nothing to do with sex. I feel like you, lonely, just want some one to hug and kiss me. You don't know how much I feel your pain. Is she depressed? My wife grew up in a alcoholic family. some of that stems from that. A lot of baggage that goes with that also. I would like just to meet someone to chat with, good talk. I would do anything just to neck for a little while.im sorry I don't have an answer for you. good luck

Don't waste your sympathy, the OP abandoned this thread when it didn't result in an unseasonable snow of cyber trim.

I'm sorry your wife's medications are creating such difficulties for you in your relationship. There are medications similar to Zoloft with lessened sexual side effects. Is she willing to talk to her doctor about trying another med?

 

[Athalia]

Even talking about sex with me disgusts her. I think she would have a hell of a time discussing it with a total stranger.

A total stranger may be exactly what she needs. Somebody who can examine the situation clinically without an emotional involvement.

But maybe it's time for both of you to assess your relationship and what you want to get out of it and put into it. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. And it is entirely possible for you to split up and remain friends ... possibly even better friends than you are now.

Either way, a counselor can be of some help, once both of you agree that the avenue is worth exploring. How to get her to that point? That's harder to say, except that if that's what you truly need, you will find a way to do it. You have to, for both her sake and yours.