Need some fleshing out

[startrooper]

This is a different style of story than I usually write. I need some ideas on this genre and what I need to improve.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43725

It's titled: Undercover

Thanks!

 

[Impetus]

The sex was pretty darn great, but I had some problems with a little too much confusion floating around the story. I know you're trying to get across a little bit of 'bandit with a heart' close to the beginning of the story, but it comes off stilted, which probably isn't even a word I kept going back and forth between 'scared' and 'cute bandit' and eventually just realized I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to feel, which I don't think helped the focus of your story that much. It put everything in limbo untill we realize that we're actually supposed to like the guy, and by that time the immediacy and tension has been lost.

One other thing, by reading this:

Looking up into his hazel eyes, she said, "Next time, it's my fantasy. But I did like this one."

He just smiled down at her with a wicked grin. "No worries."

...I'm guessing that perhaps this was someone she knew and they had been acting out a fantasy. But, again, I'm not sure. You don't have to be blatant about it, but keeping the reader in limbo is rarely a good idea.

Overall, though, a fun story to read. Stellar work.

-I

 

[startrooper]

Thanks for the comments! I think I know what you mean. I'll work on it!