Need some feedback

[PDumbledore]

I have been a long time reader of the site and recently became an author. Below are the links to my stories and I would gladly welcome all critique's and what other author's may think.


www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=118777
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=118718
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=118714

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Needs some work

I read "Quad's." You need some work in pacing and plot development. Every line in your story needs to advance the plot or reveal character. Everything else can be eliminated.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the massage story, and I thought it was very well done. So I’m trying to figure out why I didn’t find it especially sexy.

(I should probably warn you that a lot of people on Lit don’t care for the “I’mmmmmmm cummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmming” sort of thing, which is generally viewed as an amateur’s trick, so you might want to throttle back on that. It doesn’t bother me that much, because I understand what it’s supposed to mean, but it seems to irritate a lot of people.)

But as I say, the story was well-written. The set-up to the sex wasn’t especially exciting, because this is Lit, and we all know what’s going to happen when a guy gets a massage from a girl in his bedroom, so there was none of that tension that seems necessary in building up erotic heat. The sex too was pretty straightforward. They were two people who wanted to fuck, and fuck they did.

I think too that the story might have suffered from being in first person. The guy seemed to set about the sex very matter-of-factly without a lot of passion or feeling. He didn’t force anything on her, or take her anyplace new, so all the erotic heat comes down to how vivid and explicit your descriptions are.

Here’s an excerpt:

And cum she did. Angie had to put her hands up against the wall to brace herself so she didn’t fall over and came steady for a good three minutes. When she would start to come down from her high I would stick my tongue up her pussy while still biting her clit and she would start to orgasm again. After about five monster orgasms I let her go and she fell over onto the bed where she started to hyperventilate. I rolled over to make sure she was okay.

By any account, I think you’d have to admit this is not very juicy description. The business about putting her hands on the wall is good, because it helps us see what’s going on, but as to the rest, this is a classic example of telling and not showing. You tell us she came for a good three minutes, but it would have been more erotic had you shown us a picture of her thrashing around, her body jerking, chewing her lip, whatever. Sensual concrete detail. Telling us she had 5 “monster orgasms” is nowhere as good as showing us what she looked like when she came, how she reacted.

This kind of stuff is one of the pitfalls of writing in first person, as I see it. It’s always easier to say things like “It felt really good” in first person than it is to stand outside and describe what he looked like in such a way that we know it must feel really good, and that temptation to tell rather than show robs the sex of a lot of its visual quality and intrinsic heat.

I’d also note the flat and matter-of-fact description of stickinghis tongue up and biting &c. How did he do it? Like a starving animal? With passion? Or in a cold-blooded manipulative way. When sex is described right, we can see what the characters are thinking and feeling by the way they do the things they do.

As I say, it's very nicely written in my opinion. It could be hotter though.

---dr.M.