Need Some Feedback on my Erotic Story Please

[dream33_2]

First Erotic Post here

Master's Dinner Party (Adult)
by Dream32
I have always felt like there was something missing in my life. It was right in front of me, but never close enough to reach, until I met him.

Last Friday, my best friend Tanzy and I went out clubbing, when I accidentally bumped into him. When my arm came into contact with his, electric shocks passed through my body. Looking up at the tall, handsome man, his dark midnight eyes held mine. I tried looking away, but they were like magnets pulling me closer. He smiled, and it felt like all the wind was knocked out of me. His smile reached his eyes, his teeth perfectly straight and white.

“My apologies,” he said in a voice that turned my body to liquid fire.

I just stood there, staring into his eyes. Tanzy elbowed me in the rib, clearing her throat to get my attention.

“Oh, I am sorry. I am clumsy,” I said, giving him my best smile.

His beautifully manicured hand reached out to take mine. “You may call me Tim, but soon you will call me Master,” he said as I slipped my hand into his. I was spellbound by the animalistic look in his eyes. The warmth of his hand wrapped around mine sent electricity through my body. Warmth pooled between my thighs.

“I am Dream.” Why did my voice sound so seductive? I saw Tanzy snickering out of the corner of my eye, but my heeled shoe on her toe quickly stopped that.

Tim said, “I would love for the two of you to join me and a few friends for dinner tonight.”

Before I could decline, Tanzy blurted out, “We would love to!” That got her another heel to the toe.

He smiled. “I will pick you up in about an hour. Be out front.” With that, he was gone.

I turned to Tanzy, who was bent over rubbing her toe. I stomped and yelled, “Did you hear the confidence and demand in his tone?”

Tanzy, being the silly one, said, “Yep. I bet he is great in bed, too! He can order me around all he wants!”

Exactly an hour later, a black limo pulled up to the front entrance. Tanzy and I smiled as we got in.

“Ladies, I am so glad you are joining me and my friends for dinner tonight,” he said with unnatural charm.

Smiling, I looked straight into his eyes. “Thanks for inviting us.”

The rest of the ride was quiet; not even Tanzy spoke as we rode through twisting roads to our destination.

We arrived at a beautiful mansion with windows that touched the ceiling. The lush, vibrant gardens were illuminated by gentle lights. Tanzy and I were speechless.

“Please follow me,” Tim said as he took us by the hand to help us exit the limo. As we stepped out, we both looked up and stared in fascination at the beauty before us.

The door was opened by an older gentleman in a black suit. His hair was white as snow, and he had the kindest blue eyes I’d ever seen. “Please come in,” he said as he motioned us inside. “Master Ktulu and Mistress Rose will be joining you in the Dining Room.” We entered the Dining Room to find the other guests already seated around the table. I looked at Tim as he gave the introductions.

First to approach us was Immortal Beloved. His skin shone from the light of the crystal chandelier. His eyes were bright and friendly as he kissed our hands.

Seidori was giggling like a school girl. She stood a few feet from me; she was well aware of the consequences of standing too close.

Next to shake our hands was PassionsPromise. Never had I laid my eyes on a woman so beautiful. Her smile was contagious. As she leaned closer to kiss my cheek, I could smell her perfume. Whispering in my ear, she said, “I hope you enjoy what Master has planned for you tonight.” She flashed a wink and a smile to Tim, leaving me flushed and wetter than ever. I couldn’t wait to find out what was in store for me.

Seidori was the petite girl that took my hand next. She was very pretty, but also appeared very shy. She curtsied and moved on to Tanzy.

Ms. Lulu Blue was a little older than us, but she was so kind and sweet, reminding me of my mother with her warm hug and smile.

A deep voice from behind broke me out of my thoughts. Turning toward the voice, I gasped*at the beautiful couple that stood at the Dining Room entrance. Tim looked down at me and said, “Master Ktulu and his wife Mistress Rose.” I was enthralled by their beauty; they looked like breathing porcelain dolls.

“Nadu,” Master Ktulu said.

I had been studying Gorean slave positions for about two years, long enough to know what the command meant. I dropped to my knees, spread them shoulder-width apart, thrust my chest out, bowed my head, and rested my hands, palm up, on my thighs.

I heard Tanzy say, “Dream, what in the hell are you doing?” I didn’t move a muscle because I knew that punishment would follow disobedience.

“Dream, I am pleased to see that you know of the BDSM lifestyle,” Mistress Rose said in a voice like sweet honey.

Helping me to my feet, Tim’s hand lingered on the small of my back. I actually looked down to make sure the wetness between my thighs wasn’t sliding down my legs.

Immortal Beloved took Tanzy by the arm and announced, “Please excuse us. I have something I would like to explain to Miss Tanzy.” I couldn’t help but smile at the horrified look on my best friend’s face as Immortal Beloved led her away. I knew her rear end was going to be sore before daylight for that outburst.

I was deep in thought when I suddenly realized it was just Tim and I alone in the Dining Room. Without a word, his hands were on my hips, picking me up, and setting me on the table. His knees nudged my legs apart.

“Dream, tell me you want this as much as I do,” Tim said breathlessly.

I moaned into his mouth as I felt him grow hard between my legs. “Yes, Master, I do!”

As soon as the words left my lips, he pushed me back onto the table. My thongs were soaked through, and his hands plundered inside them until he ripped them from my body. Gasping as he buried his head between my legs, his warm tongue slipped through my swollen lips. His teeth grazed my clit, then wildly sucked it into his mouth. As I moaned and tossed my head back and forth, I heard his sexy voice say, “Dream, cum now!”

I screamed as the orgasm ripped through my body and drenched his face. Although I was shaken and worn from the intense orgasm, he stood between my legs and stared at me with burning desire in his eyes. His lips came crashing down onto mine, and I tasted my juices on his lips and tongue. His clothes tossed carelessly on the floor.

He pulled me and bent me over the tabletop. I moaned as his throbbing hardness shoved inside my soppy tightness. “Please, please take me,” I whispered. His hands grabbed my hips, digging into my skin. I cried out as he drove himself into me, making me take every rock-hard inch. Our moans and screams mixed together as he continued to pump my tightness. Our breathing shallowed as we gasped for breath. I pushed back against him as he rammed my insides. My muscles squeezed him tightly, and I growled deeply as he rammed me one more time.

I felt him jerk, and he slid out of me with one swift shove at his hips. I dropped to my knees, taking that hard, wet rod in my throat. As his swollen head came back up, my tongue slowly circled it, while my hand continued working its magic. He had my hair in a death grip as he growled and exploded into my mouth. His hot thickness slid down my throat.

He helped me up, wrapped his arms around me, and whispered, “You belong to me now.” His lips covered mine in a tender kiss.

I smiled and said, “Yes, Master.”








I am new to the site and I am hoping that me creating this thread isn't wrong ... I would enjoy feedback on my story, and will be more than happy to return the favor

 

[HotSouthernGuy]

Amazing, I hope you keep it up, would love to hear more

 

[dream33_2]

Thank you doll

 

[Niceandbrutal]

I like it!

 

[MidnightLotus]

Greate story, I like it.....would love to hear more.

 

[1sickbastard]

It's not really a full story, but it is a nicely written vignette. You certainly could expand it.


I hand't really thought of John Norman's Gor series for years until I'd began looking into D/s ...

 

[BignBald]

Very erotic. Would love to hear more....

 

[LWulf]

"It's short," said Captain Obvious "I don't like short."

That, of course, depends on each person's palate, but I'd have to agree. Then again, according to one posting I read a while ago, Laurel doesn't like (long (over a set amount of words that I sadly don't recall exactly how many)) stories posted to the forum (that's what the literotica stories section is about after all). However to get back to your question...

The story lacks realism by the second-ish paragraph. After all, the first thing I normally do when I go to a night club is toss around bdsm concepts with a total stranger who I just bumped into.

uh... no.

What would have been better is if you gave some insight what you see in your mind's eye but aren't telling us...

...when I accidentally bumped into him. ... "My apologies," he said in a voice that turned my body to liquid fire.

Tanzy cleared her throat to get my attention in the pregnant silence that followed, then gently elbowed me in the rib when that didn't seem to work.

"Oh, no please, I'm the one who is sorry, it was my fault. I'm clumsy." I blushed at the admission but rallied to give him my best smile.

His gaze caressed me gently as he looked from eyes and smile. He hesitated momentarily on my (insert bdsm suggestive jewelry (handcuff earrings or some such)) before continuing on to my left hand. At that moment, he reached out with his beautifully manicured hand to take mine. He guided my hand slowly but firmly to his lips and he kissed it before resting it at his chest, then looked again into my eyes.

That gesture made my breath catch in my throat. I tried to swallow as casually as I could without anyone catch on. Tanzy knew me all to well damn her. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed she stepped off to one side so she could giggle in quiet at my predicament.

"You may call me Tim, but soon you will call me Master."

I was spellbound by his contrasting personality; his gentile manner with the hard decisive look in his eyes. The warmth of his hand wrapped around mine sent electricity through my body...​

Personally, and perhaps this is why I am still single, the direct approach in a night club atmosphere rarely works, if at all. Being that cocky usually also doesn't work even with someone who is into bdsm.

A cornered animal usually is most fierce and has the greatest desire to flee and will go through you to get that freedom. Women tend to be similar. It's when you give them a chance to escape and don't take them for granted that they tend to be more open to your advances.

Also, it's not the easy conquests that fire most men's blood, it's the challenges. Women like to be chased, and sometimes, men like to do the chasing. It gets the blood pumping for both parties (and does well for readers too when you describe the chase well enough).

"Rich, well-off, Dom man bumps into clumsy sub woman in nightclub; he looks at her animalistically; she is entranced."

For some reason that just doesn't click to me.

****

While I attended NYIT, my English Lit. professor noticed some of my essays were not using contractions (i.e. "I am sorry. I am clumsy")
He said not using contractions tends to come across as officious and stilted. People don't talk like that and if they do, they come across like they have a stick up their butt.
...Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he inferred it.
Try to write more naturally and people will warm to your words. Try not to pay attention to the typo-Nazi's out there, they will pick apart everything you say anyway.

****

Some writers try to be less descriptive to cater to a wider audience. I don't know if that is what you are trying to do, so I will suggest you to be more descriptive.
"...he said in a voice that turned my body to liquid fire."

What kind of a voice? Was it the dulcet tones of a tenor or the rich deep voice of a baritone? Was it the high squeaky voice of a pencil necked geek?

"I saw Tanzy snickering out of the corner of my eye, but the heel of my shoe on her toe quickly stopped that."
Is the rich Dom guy a fool that he doesn't notice this exchange, twice?

"Dream" ...seriously? He doesn't even question if that is her real name or not?

****

The story seems to be fueled by desire to get to the "punchline" rather than tell the story of how everyone got there.
However, dismally, you never deliver the punchline. I've read a few other people's stories that whetted the appetite as you have only to come up short. It's rather disappointing to see again.

****

That someone is asked to join a Gorean theme private party without being asked if they were into such a concept is pushing reality more than the chance encounter that started it. That she is receptive and knows Gor culture and knows how to practice it, pushed believability straight out the window for me.

To me, writing a work of fiction is an attempt to make the unbelievable, believable. I'm not saying I'm an expert on doing this, but all I'm saying is it's tough to walk that line.

Maybe if her jewelry, that I recommended, had "kajira" or the cursive mark on it, then it would make the chance encounter more believable.

****

There are some redeeming qualities to your story, but only after my mind filled in the missing pieces. I'm not trying to tear apart your story. I am merely sensitive to my own faults and, hopefully, notice those faults in what I read. If I miss reading it in my own stories, then I expect to see someone saying the same thing to me.

 

[horrorotica]

one small criticism. Contract words in dialogue.

For example - you wrote: “Oh, I am sorry. I am clumsy,” I said, giving him my best smile.

People don't really talk like that. If you read what you wrote aloud it sounds like a robot talking.

I'd write: “Oh I'm sorry, I'm such a clumsy thing,” I said, giving him my best smile.

Do this for all words you can contract, especially in dialogue eg it is - it's, I will - I'll, I have had - I've had etc etc.

good luck

 

[ncman_02]

Everyone has to start some where and it seems that from what I have read so far you will do find. Keep practicing and posting your work and listen to comments good and bad and you will learn. Your theme definitely got me going, so don't be deterred. If you can raise 4 kids you will do find...my hat is off to you.

 

[dream33_2]

Thank you, I have just noticed the replies on this story.... honestly this is my first story I have ever written I am mostly writing poetry... this story was one of the last challenges in an erotic contest that I had entered and this was our prompt to write a story using all the participants names that were left in the challenge and it had to be an erotic dinner party... I did have some help with the editing lol ... I do appreciate all the feed back thank you... also I won a bronze trophy for this story in the erotic challenge contest

 

[LWulf]

I'll make one apology as Captain Obvious missed the obvious; your name is "Dream" and you wrote yourself into the story line.

Beyond that, I don't make apologies for giving constructive criticism which is what I thought you were asking for, not platitudes.

I was not trying to be harsh, and granted as "first stories" go, this is a fine first draft. It does get the attention of those who are interested in such activities, but, I felt, it doesn't really deliver.

I read what you said about this being a contest entry and that key names were supposed to be part of the story as part of the contest, it makes sense now. But this isn't the contest, and more importantly, people reading this story for the first time (not knowing anything about this contest), I think, will have the same feeling of disbelief.
That there are mixed key names (e.g. "Tim", "Dream") from the "real world" universe and "online chat" universe, will make the reader feel mixed up. I still stand on the premise that you would want to either normalize the names used or add some sense of disbelief on "Tim's" part.

My first stories here were originally intended for another website where you could talk about bdsm, but NOT have any sex involved. It was one of their rules.
I took the brunt of criticisms, here, for lack of sexuality with a certain expectation. So I can relate to your situation, but I AM going to make suggestions based on that initial feedback from my stories.

As part of this contest, you also were probably limited to a set, maximum amount of words. Again, readers at large aren't aware of the contest. Some literotica stories are likewise short, having only a thimble full of erotica to satiate oneself.
I was imposing my own thoughts over others when I commented on the length, but I'd like to see more lengthy works here, and I think you have the promise of such in you.
I don't mean it should be 100+ pages, but having something a little more substantive to sink one's teeth into, would, I think, please more than just myself.

I don't think you took my constructive criticism as harm, but I thought I'd add some explanation, besides admit to the faux pas.

 

[Xarmyguy]

Very nice, would love to see more from you.

 

[dream33_2]

@LWolf
Thank you, I didn't think that you was trying to be mean about your first comment, I do appreciate any help or advice I can get no matter how bad it may seem (not meaning you ) I do appreiciate you even taking time out to read it and giving me advice on it. Thank you doll