Need perspective/opinions

[KCKLO]

I have never posted here, and I'm not really a lurker, either. Been here a few times and thought it was a good place to start. I have some issues I just need some perspective on. Excuse my rambling while I try to articulate what I need help with.

My husband of many years and I have always had sexual issues....I wanted more, he was fine, we couldn't discuss things, on and on as I'm sure most marriages work. At one time he had said he just wasn't that sexual of a person, he wasn't brought up that way. We have always managed to work through things. Probably my biggest mistake was subscribing to adult literature....thinking it would help him. Now he has several subscriptions and the history on our computer is always erased since I once approached him about the amount of porn on the history.

Most recently our struggle is with his premature ejaculation. It has become quite a problem, like 1/2 a thrust and then pause, or stop all together and then another half a thrust and its over. I am patient, and kind and try not to let it bother me and try not to let him see that it really does bother me to spare his feelings. I am starting to lose my mind! He gets me so fired up to the point where I can't stand it, I need to have him thrusting inside me and then nothing! He satisfies me in other ways, and I know he uses this site and its advice but sometimes I just really want to have regular, normal sex and it has become impossible.

The thing that bothers me is this doesn't happen to him while he is masturbating. There have even been times when I'm "asleep" and he is masturbating next to me in the same bed! Does somehow over-masturbating contribute to his PE? I've even experimented with getting him off early in the hopes of then having great intercourse but once he's gone once he won't go again that same day/night. So having him masturbate before sex doesn't work for us.

Stick with me...there's more and I'm getting to it. The part that bothers me the most is that there are times we have gotten hot and heavy and he likes to tie me up and spank me and make me beg for it and tease me, which sometimes is fine for me, other times I'm not that into it but go along with it for his sake. But when he does this he can f*ck like a rockstar and the PE disappears! WTF is that about? It is really doing damaging things to my self esteem that the only way to have good sex with my husband is to do it porno style complete with light BDSM. It feels as though I can turn him on or please him unless we do it this way. It has gotten to the point where I just give up sometimes on any sex with him at all but then all that does is point him back to masturbating with porn. I almost think he is borderline sex addicted. He has knowledge of things I've never heard of and makes little comments here and there about things that I'm sure he has learned in his internet sex searchings, but its almost secretive.

I guess any input on this dilemma would be greatly appreciated. You all seem like experts compared to my little repressed brain. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[infinity706]

Over masturbating would just contribute to a sore cock if he doesn't use lube. It is bad for sperm count if you care about getting pregnant, though.

As for your problem, it's definately a mental issue. It's likely possible to get exactly what you want. I guess the real question, is whether it's worth the trouble. Afterall, you're being satisfied and you can even get fucked like you want as long as it comes with the tying up and spanking. In order to get your "regular, normal sex" it might actually take professional counseling. Of course, you could always try a cock ring or numbing gel with a condom. (the condom stops it from numbing your pussy, too ) If that doesn't work, it might be a whole lot cheaper to work on trying to accept what you have rather than going to counseling, though. I guess it just depends on exactly how important "normal" is to you.

 

[SweetErika]

Have you asked what he's thinking about when you have regular sex? Sex with BDSM?

And what he thinks the difference between the times he lasts longer and those he doesn't is?

Have you tried counseling?

If he's active here, are you afraid, or hoping, he'll read this?

 

[ples]

I'm not a counselor - just a girl that's been around, maybe too much around, however-
First - the problem is more wide spread than you think. The guys I know who seem to only get it off in a kinky situation have some deep issues - gender, control, or just sexual addition. If your guy has been hanging out here he is probably hanging out on other sites taking in the gambit of straight, gay, shemale, cum shots, etc. Since guys are physical in their sexual desires, while we tend to go the emotional route first, you probably wait for him to initiate sex. While you probaly can't keep him off the net, there are some things you can do. When he thinks you are asleep and starts masturbating - wait a moment and without a word start helping him out. If oral sex is part of you routine, slip down and take over, if not use your hand. If he gets hard put a little lube or spit on and go for it. It would seem that he just needs some control - take control of how he can touch you and make a big effort to touch him and see how it goes.
Ples...

I have never posted here, and I'm not really a lurker, either. Been here a few times and thought it was a good place to start. I have some issues I just need some perspective on. Excuse my rambling while I try to articulate what I need help with.

My husband of many years and I have always had sexual issues....I wanted more, he was fine, we couldn't discuss things, on and on as I'm sure most marriages work. At one time he had said he just wasn't that sexual of a person, he wasn't brought up that way. We have always managed to work through things. Probably my biggest mistake was subscribing to adult literature....thinking it would help him. Now he has several subscriptions and the history on our computer is always erased since I once approached him about the amount of porn on the history.

Most recently our struggle is with his premature ejaculation. It has become quite a problem, like 1/2 a thrust and then pause, or stop all together and then another half a thrust and its over. I am patient, and kind and try not to let it bother me and try not to let him see that it really does bother me to spare his feelings. I am starting to lose my mind! He gets me so fired up to the point where I can't stand it, I need to have him thrusting inside me and then nothing! He satisfies me in other ways, and I know he uses this site and its advice but sometimes I just really want to have regular, normal sex and it has become impossible.

The thing that bothers me is this doesn't happen to him while he is masturbating. There have even been times when I'm "asleep" and he is masturbating next to me in the same bed! Does somehow over-masturbating contribute to his PE? I've even experimented with getting him off early in the hopes of then having great intercourse but once he's gone once he won't go again that same day/night. So having him masturbate before sex doesn't work for us.

Stick with me...there's more and I'm getting to it. The part that bothers me the most is that there are times we have gotten hot and heavy and he likes to tie me up and spank me and make me beg for it and tease me, which sometimes is fine for me, other times I'm not that into it but go along with it for his sake. But when he does this he can f*ck like a rockstar and the PE disappears! WTF is that about? It is really doing damaging things to my self esteem that the only way to have good sex with my husband is to do it porno style complete with light BDSM. It feels as though I can turn him on or please him unless we do it this way. It has gotten to the point where I just give up sometimes on any sex with him at all but then all that does is point him back to masturbating with porn. I almost think he is borderline sex addicted. He has knowledge of things I've never heard of and makes little comments here and there about things that I'm sure he has learned in his internet sex searchings, but its almost secretive.

I guess any input on this dilemma would be greatly appreciated. You all seem like experts compared to my little repressed brain. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[coastal-boy]

I maybe an ass...and I am OK with that...but it bothers me that he feels the need to delete the history since you "confronted" him. That is not healthy in terms of building trust in any relationship. If this was me...it would time to seek counseling. I hate people that hide things.

 

[cybelle]

it bothers me that he feels the need to delete the history since you "confronted" him. That is not healthy in terms of building trust in any relationship. If this was me...it would time to seek counseling. I hate people that hide things.

I'd go a step further and say that it bothers me that you've been secretly checking the history enough to know it's being deleted... Invasion of privacy and lack of trust are BOTH big red flags.

Wanna know what he looks at when he's masturbating? Ask him.

Can't ask? Won't answer? Yeah, counseling. Absolutely.

 

[coastal-boy]

I'd go a step further and say that it bothers me that you've been secretly checking the history enough to know it's being deleted... Invasion of privacy and lack of trust are BOTH big red flags.

Wanna know what he looks at when he's masturbating? Ask him.

Can't ask? Won't answer? Yeah, counseling. Absolutely.

I can live with this statement too. Yet, if you know something is wrong...is it your fault when you go looking for it in an attempt to keep your relationship from pulling further apart or even understanding where your relationship is at that moment? It really is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation and I am not condoning it, but i do understand it. Especially if I know that if I asked you, you would simply lie to me. Yeah...both are red flags irregardless, even though I do understand it.

 

[phelon]

dual therapy recommended

couples for the communication and trust issues

sex therapy for reconnecting.. and finding a middle ground that works between his fantasies and your realities.

 

[KCKLO]

You guys really are helpful, thank you to all who responded. This is exactly the perspective I needed.

Maybe I'm partly to blame. Maybe there is more I can do. I think counseling is definitely something we need, both marriage counseling as well as sex therapy. Are there people who do both at once? (Idea for my future career!) I guess I always viewed counseling as, He won't talk to me when its just me--how is he going to open up with another person in the room asking very personal questions? Don't know until we try, right?

I guess I'm just trying to understand how someone can go from not being very sexual to getting totally kinky and whether or not it has anything to do with PE or a possible sex addiction. From posts I have read it seems there are a lot of highly intelligent, experienced people here.

I'm not scrolling through the history in our computer, either, spying on him. I often times look there to go to something I had previously viewed and have noticed that its usually been erased. (Maybe he does that to prevent the kids from accidentally ending up somewhere they shouldn't--which is good) I guess I wouldn't mind (though I'm not hoping he does) if he comes across this post. Maybe it will give him some perspective and/or spark a much needed conversation.

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

While it does sound like professional therapy is needed, a few thoughts, though I know nothing about it professionally.

Addiction to porn/internet does warp one's sexuality. I went through a phase, before I discovered Literotica of checking out a lot of porn - I noticed that when having sex with my wife it was a challenge, as I was always imagining some scene I'd seen; I found masturbating more fulfilling, as it let me play out the fantasy as I wanted it, rather than have to deal with this other person. Very warped! One gets caught up with what is in one's head rather than what is happening in front of them.

I think discovering Literotica changed a lot of that - while it is still about the mind, moving away from the blatantly visual to the written provides one a more healthy perspective on fantasy. It is also something I can share with my wife. It is much harder to share porn as it is so male-centric. Erotica is much more balanced and a lot of it is couple oriented - it is more healthy, more normal - you read about normal people having normal, though often very exciting, sex. Unlike porn - unreal people, unreal fantasies, most of which are blatantly if not borderline misogynist.

Being into stories seems more acceptable too, less taboo, thus a greater ability to share rather than hide it/delete it.

One suggestion is to guide him to some stories, find some you like, one that is perhaps about one of your fantasies. Share it with him and see if he can get into it. Maybe write your own story and get his response to it, or get him to sit down and write a story together - either simultaneously, or section by section.

There is a lot more to sexuality than what porn has to offer, you just have to find ways of weaning him away from it, without forcing an either/or decision. find a balance, where you also have a voice and part to play.

Good luck!

 

[bailadora]

I guess I'm just trying to understand how someone can go from not being very sexual to getting totally kinky and whether or not it has anything to do with PE or a possible sex addiction.

Or perhaps he's always had kinky fantasies, but would not acknowledge them. One way to view his online explorations is from the perspective of a journey of discovery of what truly turns him on in a sexual manner. It sounds like he's found a whole host of activities that he'd perhaps like to try, but is afraid to bring up for fear that you will react in negative or judgmental manner.

I guess I wouldn't mind (though I'm not hoping he does) if he comes across this post. Maybe it will give him some perspective and/or spark a much needed conversation.

Instead of waiting for him to find this post, perhaps you should write a letter to him and see if you can get the discussion going that way. There are times I have things I need to tell my husband, but have a difficult time articulating. It helps me to write it out in a letter because I can organize my thoughts and really think about the language I use to convey my concerns. Sometimes he will respond back with a written account of his thoughts or sometimes he'll indicate that he wants to talk about the contents of the letter. It's a manner of communication that has worked well for us and might for you as well.

Whatever path you chose, I wish you both the best.

 

[phelon]

You guys really are helpful, thank you to all who responded. This is exactly the perspective I needed.

Maybe I'm partly to blame. Maybe there is more I can do. I think counseling is definitely something we need, both marriage counseling as well as sex therapy. Are there people who do both at once? (Idea for my future career!) I guess I always viewed counseling as, He won't talk to me when its just me--how is he going to open up with another person in the room asking very personal questions? Don't know until we try, right?

I guess I'm just trying to understand how someone can go from not being very sexual to getting totally kinky and whether or not it has anything to do with PE or a possible sex addiction. From posts I have read it seems there are a lot of highly intelligent, experienced people here.

I'm not scrolling through the history in our computer, either, spying on him. I often times look there to go to something I had previously viewed and have noticed that its usually been erased. (Maybe he does that to prevent the kids from accidentally ending up somewhere they shouldn't--which is good) I guess I wouldn't mind (though I'm not hoping he does) if he comes across this post. Maybe it will give him some perspective and/or spark a much needed conversation.

Well to throw my feet in again....

i recommend two different therapist.. perhaps in the same group, but separate that way you can deal with both problems separately.. and if you can make progress on one it doesn't get hindered by the other. since so many factors can cause sexual issues, its best not to have the frustration of that going slow cause a breakdown in the couples/communication part of therapy.
You also might find some times when your going for a single session or part of a session so that you can vent to the therapist (the neutral third party) in safety.. before bringing up a topic to him directly or vs/vs often having the a) person to vent out the frustrations first b) neutral party that can then help translate what your saying can be the biggest boost to starting communication.

 

[Mansa Musa]

Sounds like someone's kinky, but too afraid to admit it. If nothing else, it explains his inability to sustain an erection during normal sex. And I'll bet that he's too afraid of losing you to admit to his dark side.