need help quick see her in 12 hrs

[newideas]

Wrote this for my wife about our life, should I give it to her

*
Dispensing with all frivolity
Proceed now with me unlasciously
Through a tale told unshodilly
By the mind recalling it quite fondly

A firend with a girl alluring and lonely
A friend who by night's end willingly
Left the girl in hands so knightly
Her heart taken could carry on brightly

The first date they got along strikingly
During a playoffs that ended disappointingly
On an adventure downtown he went openly
A night ends for the first time. Climactically

Next months spent together quite blissfully
Nary a night passed between them disdainfully
An embarrassing act caught, passed off laughingly
The girl falling hard uncontrollably

Rodeo night passed at times so terrifyingly
A child asleep in noise so deafeningly
Around abouts a seed passed ceremoniously
Six weeks later news given soberingly

A family outing for 3 expectingly
A shining token given lovingly
A semester that ended disastrously
As par interruptions occuring Storkingly

Seemingly thrown together haphazardly
Family problems springing forth constantly
He reminds her to try and think positively
It is hard, he is absent then (presently)

Sticking through hard years enduringly
To promises made matrimionially
Some doubts on both sides of fidelity
Their faithfulness remained chastely

Relocations at times seen bewilderingly
Apartment to house, where ever so promptly
A family lacking stability, bad to worse regretfully
Their mortgage approved quite thankfully

A marriage over years deteriorating slowly
Then growing by leaps and bounds then finally
A happy house becoming so homely
A husband writes lines thinking lovingly

Looks forward to seeing his wife excitedly
Watching her face read these line emotionally
Thinking of passed and future so wistfully
A new beginning from anscence unexpectedly

A spot returned to befittingly
To reignite a love enthusiastically
A point missed by both until recently
Then get how to love unconditionally
*


Give it to her or not.

 

[bflagsst]

Why'd you call her lonely, that's unflattering.

Your second line has an extremely archaic word, I don't know that the prefix is sensible either.

The poem reads like you're trying to impress someone who's a poet. If she's a poet she's going to grade you, if she's not a poet she's probably not gonna be interested because it's long and you don't have a good beat or rhyme scheme. Trying to rhyme 'disdainfully' and 'Storkingly' is too difficult and awkward.

Since you're asking for opinions, I'm recommending not giving her this. Write something shorter, simpler, sweeter and forget about the end rhyme. You're married, you have time to write a better poem.

 

[newideas]

Why'd you call her lonely, that's unflattering.

Your second line has an extremely archaic word, I don't know that the prefix is sensible either.

The poem reads like you're trying to impress someone who's a poet. If she's a poet she's going to grade you, if she's not a poet she's probably not gonna be interested because it's long and you don't have a good beat or rhyme scheme. Trying to rhyme 'disdainfully' and 'Storkingly' is too difficult and awkward.

Since you're asking for opinions, I'm recommending not giving her this. Write something shorter, simpler, sweeter and forget about the end rhyme. You're married, you have time to write a better poem.

With a number of the words I took creative license and 'modified' them. As far as lonely, when your sitting by yourself because your friend left you to get laid what would you call it. Its not a sweet poem its a journey. Forgive me but I feel you are not being consistent because storkingly is not even a real word.

.I realize I take criticism poorly but I kind of feel yours lacks a certain continuity.

 

[bflagsst]

With a number of the words I took creative license and 'modified' them. As far as lonely, when your sitting by yourself because your friend left you to get laid what would you call it. Its not a sweet poem its a journey. Forgive me but I feel you are not being consistent because storkingly is not even a real word.

.I realize I take criticism poorly but I kind of feel yours lacks a certain continuity.

My criticism is perfectly consistent. I told you 'un' was likely an inappropriate prefix to the word you chose. I know what creative license is and I know what "Stork" as symbol means, what the modifier -ingly means. Un- still doesn't work in 'unlasciously', just like you wouldn't say, "unlasciviously". It's ill grammar even for a poet.

My criticism's main line of continuity was and is: your poem isn't good, write something better.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I tend to agree with blagsst here. Perhaps drop the rhyme scheme and start over, putting your ideas/feelings down.

 

[butters]

to be honest, newideas, you're the one in the best position to judge what to do with your poem, you know your wife best. the very fact you put pen to paper might be enough to make her all misty.

you are here asking poets their opinions: as a poet (and while i appreciate the thought behind giving your wife a poem, something from the heart, that maps your shared journey) the rhyme-scheme you've opted for forces poor word-choices and convolutes the language in a manner detrimental to the sentiments being expressed.

there is, however, an honesty in what you're trying to convey here. so, if you want to write a brilliant poem, this needs a lot of work, taking the thoughts behind it and simplifying the language possibly - it doesn't have to be 'fancy' or complicated for it to work. keep the 'honest' and rewrite without tying yourself in knots or forcing yourself into corners by adopting such a straitjacket of form to fit into .

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Ending each line with 'ly' doesn't make for a good rhyme and as bflag has said many of the words don't ryhme anyway. Perhaps your wife won't mind that it's not a great poem you should know whether she will care about that or not. If you want to make it a better one cut out the majority of the 'lys'