Need help please...

[reohoko]

Ok, I need to know if anyone has time to tell me what they think about my newest story. I don't care if you don't vote, I don't care if it gets hit with 1s, but if anyone has time can you answer these questions for me....(I would wait for feedback but they don't answer these questions)

Dear Santa
Letter to Santa -from Dana

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=117580


What age do you think she is?

Is it beleivable, (does it use the right words and terms that might be used? Is it too naive? Not enough naive? etc.)?

AND most important (if you have not read anything else I wrote, then it's ok, no worries) does sound like I wrote it?

Any other suggestions or anything that you can think of.

THANK YOU! I really would appreciate any help on this. It is sort of an experiment.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Not my cup of tea, but the writing seems fine.

Of course there's no way in the world that anyone could be that naive. She writes like an adult but knows less than a box or rocks, but that's okay. This is Literotica; it doesn't have to be realistic, There are a lot of people who like to play "Little Girl", which is what this is, and I would think those people will like this fine.

---dr.M.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Yeah.... what the good Dr. said.

It doesn't float my boat... but I am sure it will for someone.

~WOK

 

[reohoko]

thank you

I was hoping it sounded like an 18 year old who was really really naive. But I guess the "playing a little girl" one works too.

 

[English Lady]

For me it sounds like someone playing little girl,it is way to naive to be just an unworldly 18 year old (I was one once you know*L*)
The writing was fine, but for methe way it rushed on was a bit off putting, though i guess that was to make it sound like a little child's letter to Santa

 

[reohoko]

For me it sounds like someone playing little girl,it is way to naive to be just an unworldly 18 year old (I was one once you know*L*)
The writing was fine, but for methe way it rushed on was a bit off putting, though i guess that was to make it sound like a little child's letter to Santa

What would you recommend to make it feel less like "playing little girl" and being an 18 year old? I thought losing some of the "not knowing aspects" like the "not like in health class" and the thinking jody was hurt stuff should have been changed.

I am not sure I understand the rushed on part though. Did it feel rushed because the stories were not real detailed? or was it because it moved too quickly?

 

[Pure]

>What age do you think she is?

her talk seemed to run from age 12 to very wise 20.

>Is it beleivable, (does it use the right words and terms that might be used? Is it too naive? Not enough naive? etc.)?

there is a weird mixture of terms, like poo hole and cunny. i think you have to decide of you're writing 'little girl-ish' or porn-ish.

there is also a weird mix of childlike and kinky actions, like cum eating, pissing, etc. that's hard to 'buy' esp. since they're told in a blase way. it's almost as if you inserted the kink to make it fly as literotica porn.

>AND most important (if you have not read anything else I wrote, then it's ok, no worries) does sound like I wrote it?

I quickly looked at tale of lovers, and found it quite consistent and polished; lacking the probs. of the santa story. in that sense the santa thing is less you; but I suppose it's and experiment and not what you're used to writing.

>Any other suggestions or anything that you can think of.

>THANK YOU! I really would appreciate any help on this. It is sort of an experiment.

Decide on a consistent point of view, and 'angle.' Is it a humorous piece where an experienced girl is just pulling Santa's leg (or the reader's) by getting really gross? is in an inexperienced girl 'learning' about things? (in which case it would to be a little more gradual than learning masturbating, and fast forward to pissing and anal sex withing a few paras.) if she's so innocent, then she should misdescribe things or be oblique or seem not to understand (i.e., 'what was that weird stuff he was doing to her poo hole?' yecch!'). The classic "Candy" had a pseudo innocence, when the author made it fun for the reader by having a lascivious heroine learning the ropes. That did 'work.'

Is it to sound cute? Is it to sound 'raunchy'? It sounds like you didn't decide. If it's cute and innocent, then don't so blatantly grab at the reader's crotch with outandout raunch.

any, i hope it was a fun experiment. i suppose a problem with the girly stuff is that it may not end up postable at literotica.

best,

J.

 

[reohoko]

Decide on a consistent point of view, and 'angle.' Is it a humorous piece where an experienced girl is just pulling Santa's leg (or the reader's) by getting really gross? is in an inexperienced girl 'learning' about things? (in which case it would to be a little more gradual than learning masturbating, and fast forward to pissing and anal sex withing a few paras.) if she's so innocent, then she should misdescribe things or be oblique or seem not to understand (i.e., 'what was that weird stuff he was doing to her poo hole?' yecch!'). The classic "Candy" had a pseudo innocence, when the author made it fun for the reader by having a lascivious heroine learning the ropes. That did 'work.'

Is it to sound cute? Is it to sound 'raunchy'? It sounds like you didn't decide. If it's cute and innocent, then don't so blatantly grab at the reader's crotch with outandout raunch.

best,

J.

Thank you, I completely agree.
I felt some of the "yuck" and stuff needed in it too. I agree that many of the actual actions are beyond naivity.

I really do appreciate the example too, I am going to go find it before I work on another thing like this (OR I might do another one, read "Candy" and then compare them).

Also, I completely thought the terminology sucked. I was VERY naive in my late teens, and I would NEVER have said any of that. Until recently I didn't even swear. Even now I do it seldom.

One more experiment I think.... I'll holler when I get it done.

THANK YOU!!!! HUGS HUGS HUGS

 

[Pure]

_Candy_ was a humorously tongue in cheek pornish novel, quite 'far out' in its day. Main author, Terry Southern. The impossibly naive heroine, modeled after "Candide" (get it) was always thinking devotedly how painful were the needs of men.

Was made into a movie but with stuff not shown.

J.

 

[reohoko]

thank you I didn't find it yet, but I think I know a few people who might have it hidden in their libraries.

 

[Pure]

There are copies in paper from 2-5 dollars, at barnes and noble, used (their listing of outside dealers).

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Oo...L&format=PB&SearchBooks.x=31&SearchBooks.y=14

 

[reohoko]

HURRAY!!! THANK YOU!!!!

I owe you big! Do you like ice cream? Ben Jerry's?

Sorry, silly mode... I gotta go to sleep now.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!!!!


HUGS HUGS HUGS

 

[BadBombshellBabe]

sorry...but it just didn't work for me. i'm usually reluctant to give negative feedback, but you asked.

i couldn't determine her age and that's probably one reason it didn't do it for me.

 

[Dirty Slut]

As I remember it...

Candy was well written, in what I call almost third person. In the end which was an entire novel of build up, she gets shafted by her own father at an orgy. But back to your story. I thought it cute to start with, but as I read on it only outraged my sense of reality. Since you didn't date this story I can only assume that it takes place in the present, or at least the last ten years. And unless this girl has lived all of her life on some deserted island in a convent she is either retarded, or a victum of alzhimers in my book. Human females consider themselves adults long before their 18th birthday in the real civilized world, and would never say Poo-poo even on a dare. They are also much more sophisticated, and knowledgable about sex than their counterpart males, so no, this story doesn't work for me.

DS

 

[English Lady]

Well i see you've had alot more indepth answers to your question but i'll answe what you asked me*L*

I think that both the lack of detail and the fast pace seemed to me to make it feel like it was written in a rush and that unsettled me.

Basically it sounded like a little girl more often than not and just too naive. An 18 year old, no matter how sheltered would not speak like a very little girl and would probably use more mature language. It is difficault to say how to do a naive 18 year old, i don't think it is something i have ever undertaken.


I think DS comment about not knowing when in time it was set was a good one...an 18 year old now would not be naive...but if you took it back in history maybe it would work?

 

[reohoko]

I think DS comment about not knowing when in time it was set was a good one...an 18 year old now would not be naive...but if you took it back in history maybe it would work?

I like that point. I think you are completely right.

I spent about a week on it, with help from another friend. Not sure on the hours involved.

I had started out with a poem, (which I plan to post when it is done because I think it is very funny but uses none of the same terms found in the story, but the same ideas).

When I submit it, I will post it here too. I want to see which you all think sounds better. I am going to stick with words I personally use (as, I was sheltered and there are MANY words I read and write every day that I would NEVER use).


I am sorry to ask so many questions, but it's not like this is the kind of stuff you can just run to your mother, sister, or neighbor to ask... and I would NEVER ask any teachers I know. LOL