Need help: just had “the conversation” with my wife…

[omniavincet]

(Sorry in advance for a lengthy post…)

Hi all, most of you don’t know me yet – I have lurked on and off over the past couple years and have just recently starting posting. To cut to the chase: My wife and I have been together for 22 years – since high school. Early on I raised my various kinky desires with her but she got totally freaked out and that shut me down. I knew I was unusual, but too young to know the price that keeping it all bottled up was going to take. Over the next 20 years I said nothing, zero, nada about it. Vanilla all the way.

In the wake of various midlife rumblings on both sides, about three months ago I dropped the official bomb after a morning of sex. My wife was complaining about how society expects women to do/want certain things in bed, etc., and from nowhere I blurted out that the same was true for me and that I was bisexual, submissive, and had always been, etc. She took it okay, but we didn’t hit details – I glossed over what I meant by both terms, she didn’t press, and it dropped. I felt better on one hand – finally out the closet, but increasingly uncomfortable on the other – another shoe had yet to drop.

The shoe dropped yesterday. We take long walks on Thursday mornings; sometimes we have sex afterwards. We had a great time yesterday, but then we started talking about sex and she asked me whether our sex life made me happy. I have lied about the answer to that question at least 100 times in the past – but I didn’t, I couldn’t, lie yesterday. I just stared at her, dumbstruck, until she starting crying. Then the dam broke loose and I got very, very specific about how I feel, what I feel, the fact that a part of my identity has been buried, that my entire sexuality is based on this identity, that it doesn’t just affect my sex life but my whole life. She cried a lot. She isn’t freaked out by the alternativeness per se, but feels like she can’t make me happy: she has zero dominating impulses in the bedroom. She immediately jumped to worrying about me leaving her, or about me cheating on her if I get too frustrated with things, and feels like a marriage can’t handle people having sex with others even if it’s just to accommodate a D/s need.

We talked a lot and by the afternoon we got to a better place, I think. She wants to try new things and to read about D/s and what motivates the kinky types. But I tell you all: I’m still worried as hell about what has just happened. One minute I have an erection because I get an image of my wife tying me up and spanking me; the next minute I picture her getting pissed at me because I’ve dropped a bomb on our life. And I am worried about my own mental state: once you let the genie out of the bottle, will I wind up getting so frustrated that things get too hard to cope with? I love my wife, our three kids, have always and will always be faithful, and yet this looks like a hell of a situation.

Bottom line: I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced this situation or similar.

OV

 

[CutieMouse]

(Warning, I'm all about books and research stuff. )

Get the book When Someone You Love is Kinky - you can usually find a copy at amazon.com, or order directly from the publisher at www.greenerypress.com.

It's a very very gentle, neutral, quick read, easy to discuss book on coming out to your partner, the feelings/fears/issues that might arise, and how to start discussing and negotiating through things.

I'd suggest a lot of honest conversations. Just because *you* want and need things, doesn't mean your wife will be interested, willing, or able to give them to you. You might consider therapy with a kink friendly counselor- as a couple and/or alone.

*If* she is interested and willing to dominate you, something that might help her is The Sexually Dominant Woman: A workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green. It's a fast read- like 45 minutes, very non-threatening, and has some great starter ideas in it. Dominating can be hard to do when you don't know what you're doing.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm exhausted right now, but I just wanted to offer support. I've gone through a similar situation. I'd be happy to PM - but I don't want to post too many details here. To echo Cutie, I have really benefited from lots of reading and therapy.

 

[omniavincet]

(Warning, I'm all about books and research stuff. )


Thanks, CutieMouse - I was hoping you'd have some suggestions, being a research fellow myself ;-) I saw you suggest When Someone You Love is Kinky on another threat - bought it last week and just gave it to my wife, so your advice is well taken already. And I will defintely check out the other one as well when the time is right.

I hear you 1000 times over about not pushing; thanks for that reminder. On the other hand, of course, how's 20 years of not pushing!? I'm not really a pushy person - but I keep warning myself to let things take their course because I could see utterly ruining our positive mojo by pushing. It's a weird feeling.

OV

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks, CutieMouse - I was hoping you'd have some suggestions, being a research fellow myself ;-) I saw you suggest When Someone You Love is Kinky on another threat - bought it last week and just gave it to my wife, so your advice is well taken already. And I will defintely check out the other one as well when the time is right.

Fabulous! I hope it helps guide some conversations for the two of you.

I hear you 1000 times over about not pushing; thanks for that reminder. On the other hand, of course, how's 20 years of not pushing!? I'm not really a pushy person - but I keep warning myself to let things take their course because I could see utterly ruining our positive mojo by pushing. It's a weird feeling.
OV

There's a difference between not pushing, and avoiding... says the queen of avoiding discussing difficult things.

 

[FurryFury]

(Sorry in advance for a lengthy post…)

Hi all, most of you don’t know me yet – I have lurked on and off over the past couple years and have just recently starting posting. To cut to the chase: My wife and I have been together for 22 years – since high school. Early on I raised my various kinky desires with her but she got totally freaked out and that shut me down. I knew I was unusual, but too young to know the price that keeping it all bottled up was going to take. Over the next 20 years I said nothing, zero, nada about it. Vanilla all the way.

In the wake of various midlife rumblings on both sides, about three months ago I dropped the official bomb after a morning of sex. My wife was complaining about how society expects women to do/want certain things in bed, etc., and from nowhere I blurted out that the same was true for me and that I was bisexual, submissive, and had always been, etc. She took it okay, but we didn’t hit details – I glossed over what I meant by both terms, she didn’t press, and it dropped. I felt better on one hand – finally out the closet, but increasingly uncomfortable on the other – another shoe had yet to drop.

The shoe dropped yesterday. We take long walks on Thursday mornings; sometimes we have sex afterwards. We had a great time yesterday, but then we started talking about sex and she asked me whether our sex life made me happy. I have lied about the answer to that question at least 100 times in the past – but I didn’t, I couldn’t, lie yesterday. I just stared at her, dumbstruck, until she starting crying. Then the dam broke loose and I got very, very specific about how I feel, what I feel, the fact that a part of my identity has been buried, that my entire sexuality is based on this identity, that it doesn’t just affect my sex life but my whole life. She cried a lot. She isn’t freaked out by the alternativeness per se, but feels like she can’t make me happy: she has zero dominating impulses in the bedroom. She immediately jumped to worrying about me leaving her, or about me cheating on her if I get too frustrated with things, and feels like a marriage can’t handle people having sex with others even if it’s just to accommodate a D/s need.

We talked a lot and by the afternoon we got to a better place, I think. She wants to try new things and to read about D/s and what motivates the kinky types. But I tell you all: I’m still worried as hell about what has just happened. One minute I have an erection because I get an image of my wife tying me up and spanking me; the next minute I picture her getting pissed at me because I’ve dropped a bomb on our life. And I am worried about my own mental state: once you let the genie out of the bottle, will I wind up getting so frustrated that things get too hard to cope with? I love my wife, our three kids, have always and will always be faithful, and yet this looks like a hell of a situation.

Bottom line: I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced this situation or similar.

OV

The bolded and italicized parts are her and your issues. BOTH need to be talked about in a non-threatening way.

As long as you both love and respect each other and communicate you can work it out. If you both truly want the other one to be happy I am sure you can find a way.

My husband is kinky but NOT into BDSM per se.

He is willing to try new things and does want to make me happy.

I feel the same way.

It's not perfect but it's damned good.

Congrats on opening the door to a better relationship for you both.

*hug*

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband and I have always had our owns kinky kind of interests and we try to indulge each other. About a year after I started my D/s relationship with another man (with hubby's approval and encouragement) we were in bed on our own laptops discussing life and he emailed me a link to a message board for something else he wanted to try. I think he had gotten the nerve up to approach me about it since he had allowed me to indulge in D/s.

Well, my first reaction was shock, and then I went totally cold and told him no way. (it really wasn't anything really odd, just really surprised me) I have since then warmed up to it and over the past year we work some of it into our sex life and lifestyle. My point is give her sometime to warm up to the idea. I was ashamed of my initial reaction but it was a gut reaction without my brain kicking in. We both love each other and are willing to explore what each other needs.

Make sure you let her know that you appreciate the steps she is taking to make you happy.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

(Sorry in advance for a lengthy post…)

Hi all, most of you don’t know me yet – I have lurked on and off over the past couple years and have just recently starting posting. To cut to the chase: My wife and I have been together for 22 years – since high school. Early on I raised my various kinky desires with her but she got totally freaked out and that shut me down. I knew I was unusual, but too young to know the price that keeping it all bottled up was going to take. Over the next 20 years I said nothing, zero, nada about it. Vanilla all the way.

In the wake of various midlife rumblings on both sides, about three months ago I dropped the official bomb after a morning of sex. My wife was complaining about how society expects women to do/want certain things in bed, etc., and from nowhere I blurted out that the same was true for me and that I was bisexual, submissive, and had always been, etc. She took it okay, but we didn’t hit details – I glossed over what I meant by both terms, she didn’t press, and it dropped. I felt better on one hand – finally out the closet, but increasingly uncomfortable on the other – another shoe had yet to drop.

The shoe dropped yesterday. We take long walks on Thursday mornings; sometimes we have sex afterwards. We had a great time yesterday, but then we started talking about sex and she asked me whether our sex life made me happy. I have lied about the answer to that question at least 100 times in the past – but I didn’t, I couldn’t, lie yesterday. I just stared at her, dumbstruck, until she starting crying. Then the dam broke loose and I got very, very specific about how I feel, what I feel, the fact that a part of my identity has been buried, that my entire sexuality is based on this identity, that it doesn’t just affect my sex life but my whole life. She cried a lot. She isn’t freaked out by the alternativeness per se, but feels like she can’t make me happy: she has zero dominating impulses in the bedroom. She immediately jumped to worrying about me leaving her, or about me cheating on her if I get too frustrated with things, and feels like a marriage can’t handle people having sex with others even if it’s just to accommodate a D/s need.

We talked a lot and by the afternoon we got to a better place, I think. She wants to try new things and to read about D/s and what motivates the kinky types. But I tell you all: I’m still worried as hell about what has just happened. One minute I have an erection because I get an image of my wife tying me up and spanking me; the next minute I picture her getting pissed at me because I’ve dropped a bomb on our life. And I am worried about my own mental state: once you let the genie out of the bottle, will I wind up getting so frustrated that things get too hard to cope with? I love my wife, our three kids, have always and will always be faithful, and yet this looks like a hell of a situation.

Bottom line: I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced this situation or similar.

OV

Our reaction "whoa!" adding in an echo. I can sypathize with your situation, though mine was slightly different it has some similar ideas behind it. Take your time, don't expect much too soon, reassure her you told her out of trust not out of huge expectation (although you might have some best to tone it down and be careful to start). I think like us you can use this to take what you already have as a marriage and make it stronger. I think education and support are key.

I had a hard time not being so excited that I overwhelmed my husband with my needs. It was like I kept everything to myself and then when he showed some interest I couldn't stop talking about it. I knew I had to give him a break though to absorb it all. After all I did have quite the head start on him.

I'm not the best with advice but there are plenty here that usually are so stick around and I'm sure you will get some.

 

[will2power]

There's another option which may become available to you, depending upon how she feels. Perhaps trying to make her Dominant might not be an option that's available to you because of the way she feels, or maybe she is just not a dominant person in the bedroom.

There are couples who partake who are both submissive to someone else. It's another direction that you might take. I just wanted to give you something else to think about--not everyone is cut out for being dominant.

You've introduced her to a world of endless possiblilities. It's important that you allow her to see everything, and let her find her own way. You may find a particular niche suits her, or entices her. Since the door is open, you'll probably want to help her learn about all the different forms this lifestyle may take.

 

[omniavincet]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice - they are really resonating. I sense the need to move very slowly and I am 100% sure that I have no idea where we'll end up with this. I can certainly imagine that she may never really want to partake in D/s activities for one thing, and I'm not sure what we do at that point. I *think* I'm open to various possibilities because in my head they turn me on, but I have to admit that I'm not even sure how I would feel about being with someone other than her. I think we're going to just have to talk a lot.

She's reading some stuff right now, we'll have to see where things go.

OV

 

[neonflux]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice - they are really resonating. I sense the need to move very slowly and I am 100% sure that I have no idea where we'll end up with this. I can certainly imagine that she may never really want to partake in D/s activities for one thing, and I'm not sure what we do at that point. I *think* I'm open to various possibilities because in my head they turn me on, but I have to admit that I'm not even sure how I would feel about being with someone other than her. I think we're going to just have to talk a lot.

She's reading some stuff right now, we'll have to see where things go.

OV

First, big congratuations on initiating this conversation. You have already gotten a great deal of good advice. As has been mentioned, I would definitely give it time based on my own experience. Like CutieMouse stated,

There's a difference between not pushing, and avoiding...

and you have now finally opened the door.

I shared with my SO my desire to explore my kink from the time I recognized that it was a need. Initially, he was fine with my exploring it with others but maintained that "he just wasn't kinky." I have always shared my adventures with him, and have never pushed or asked for anything beyond that he read or watch a video to better share where I was coming from, what my attraction to the lifestyle was, what I valued in BDSM.

Very recently, he has been initiating some things that took me by surprise, but that definitely came from him. This is almost a year after I shared with him my desire to explore. BTW, only because I think it may have bearing on your situation, I am switch...

Good luck!

Neon

 

[SweetErika]

I don't have much to add in the way of advice, but I offer my support. I think it's an excellent sign that she's not reacting negatively (though that'd be okay, too) and is receptive to learning about this part of you. In my opinion, that bodes well for your future, no matter how you two decide to proceed.

When in transition, we've taken comfort in the thought that there are reasons we decided to spend our lives together (not something we did lightly/without knowing each other extremely well) and have done so happily thus far. In the case of our separate and joint discovery of D/s, for example, we realized we had always liked those traits in each other, even though we didn't recognize it for a long time. In other situations, we've found we could find solutions because we've always been loving, respectful problem-solvers. Drawing on our history and the good in our relationship seems to make new challenges surmountable.

 

[Byakuya]

to some extent I know how you feel.. like you, I really want to explore a lot of kinky stuff that my wife would find disgusting.. however, in my situation, my wife is already aware that I am not happy with our sex life, but she just doesn't care.. so I know she wouldn't cry if I told her I'm not happy because she already knows I'm not happy.. it bothers me that she doesn't care but at the same time, I don't think she is very happy either because she can sense how bored I am with plain ole vanilla sex.. I'm just not passionate about it anymore and it's tough to fake being passionate when I'm bored.. so basically neither of us are really happy with our sex lives anymore, but we're committed to not cheating or leaving so we're pretty much at a loss as to what to do about it.. I'm trying to make things work out with my wife.. I've managed to convince her to try a few kinky things that she wouldn't have dreamed of when we first got married, so I think she's made some progress.. I'm just holding on to the hope that over time she'll become kinky enough for me to enjoy sex again.. at any rate, we've had conversations about things I'd like to do.. and she was initially shocked at some of the things I said I'd like to do with her.. but over time she's gotten used to it and isn't shocked by it anymore.. she still thinks I'm "weird" when it comes to sex, but it's not like admitting all that stuff to her 'dropped a bomb' on our marriage.. so hopefully your wife is level-headed enough to accept you even though you have some "weird" desires.. (of course I'm being facetious when I say you're weird) anyway, good luck to you!

by the way, it's a good sign that your wife is willing to read about kinky stuff! it shows she's interested in making you happy! I bought my wife this book for valentines day, and she's barely cracked the spine.. she opened it once and made some comment that "this stuff is for weird people".. *sigh*

 

[SweetErika]

Byakuya (how do you pronounce that, anyway? ), is opening the relationship to get your needs met not an option, either? I know you said neither of you wanted to cheat or leave, but what about agreeing for her getting the passionate, traditional sex, and you getting the kink with other people?

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

Hey Omniavincet,

Hokay! Ya ain’t alone here, Ace!

You might say that I was a polar opposite from the way you describe your life. I was a hound when I was younger. I was also a backdoor man later on. I have been in many, many relationships including an open marriage, and most ended badly. Even my long term first monogamous marriage (a rebound) was an unmitigated disaster.

I wasn’t honest with my significant other(s). I was great in the sexual department but that wasn’t enough. And in many cases, I couldn’t separate my sex life from my non sex life. Under other conditions, that wouldn’t have been a major problem. But I am into kink in a fairly major way so domination and treachery turned it on for me.

When my last wife left, it was a blessing in disguise although I didn’t think so at the time. I actually had to take a couple of years off from dating and seeing others to get my act together. And I also took the time to examine the tattered remnants of this abysmal mess, I called my life.

I had to be honest with me and I had to learn to treat me with respect and kindness. No easy feat let me tell you. But the idea, as I came to understand it is this: if I don’t like me or treat me nicely, no one else will, either. Worse, those that hang around me when I don’t like or respect me; aren’t going to like or respect me either.

Finally, I met someone who likes me and who I like. Love has shown its face and I work hard at this new life (and so does she). The strength, courage and honesty that it took to build this new life were very difficult to find and even harder to nurture. But both my wife and I have done it. And by the way, my sex life (complete with kinks) has Never Been Better!!!

Let's get down to brass tacks now.

You lamented, “I’m still worried as hell about what has just happened…”

This happens to anyone who has had a crisis enter their life. I’m not making fun of you here. Be strong, brave and honest with her and for her.

You lamented, “…One minute I have an erection because I get an image of my wife tying me up and spanking me…"

Allow her the right to be experiment with this D/s thing. Even if she flounders about; support her efforts. Encourage her to try and see what is what.

You worried, “…the next minute I picture her getting pissed at me because I’ve dropped a bomb on our life.”

Allow her the right to be pissed about this crisis. Just stay by her and allow her to be shocked.

You worried, “And I am worried about my own mental state: once you let the genie out of the bottle….”

Don’t try and put the genie back in the bottle because you can’t.

You worried, “…will I wind up getting so frustrated that things get too hard to cope with?”

Don’t go on a “sub frenzy” either (where anything goes with anyone). Set boundaries and go slow, here.

You said it best, “I love my wife, our three kids, have always and will always be faithful, and yet this looks like a hell of a situation.”

Right now, after this shock, a strong show of faithfullness and a willingness to enter the world of D/s with only her, may go a long way toward healing rifts that have developed between you two.

Love can make a lot of bad things go away. No matter how bad it looks, keep on being strong, brave and honest with yourself, with her and with your kids should it become necessary (be age appropriate, of course). Let them know regularly in every way, how much they mean to you.

And remember two things; One, submissive does not mean weak or needy and two, you can do this!

 

[Byakuya]

Byakuya (how do you pronounce that, anyway? ), is opening the relationship to get your needs met not an option, either? I know you said neither of you wanted to cheat or leave, but what about agreeing for her getting the passionate, traditional sex, and you getting the kink with other people?

Be-ya-ku-ya (it's a character from an anime series I watch) actually the 'be' and the 'ya' sort of run together so it's just bya-ku-ya (I changed my avatar to a picture of byakuya..the Homer one was just a temporary one I had picked at random)

at this point we aren't ready to open the can of worms of bringing other people into the relationship.. if I knew she was 100% comfortable with the idea I might consider it, but I don't see that happening.. she had a religious upbringing and had saved herself for marriage and everything, so that's the sort of mindset I'm dealing with here.. she strongly believes that sex with anyone other than your spouse is wrong.. but she's not exactly a 'puritan' either.. she believes there are no limits on a married couple as long as they aren't bringing other people into the relationship.. so she doesn't believe "kink" is wrong.. she's just not into it..

anyway, I don't want to totally hijack Omniavincet's thread here.. suffice to say, I know what it's like to desire kink from a partner who isn't into it.. often we hear that we can't make a non-kinky person become kinky, but neonflux had an encouraging post.. so there is hope for people like Omnia and myself.. it could take many years for our vanilla partners to come around, but I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility.. it's a tempting thought to jump into bed with another more-kinky woman.. it sure would be a lot easier than trying to "convert" my wife.. but I do love my wife even though she doesn't satisfy me in the bedroom, so I'm willing to go on being unsatisfied with my sex life if that's what it takes to make our marriage work.. but it's very depressing to me to think that I might go through my whole life repressing these desires..

that's just the situation I'm in.. I'm not saying that everyone who is in a similiar situation is obligated to make the same choices I've made.. everyone has to make their own decisions for their lives..

 

[Netzach]

I'm willing to go on being unsatisfied with my sex life if that's what it takes to make our marriage work..

I hate to be the voice of doom, but if that's what it takes - it probably won't.

 

[omniavincet]

Hey Byakuya,

I am going to echo Netzach's comment here - I would never recommend suppressing happiness to make a marriage work. In fact, that sounds more or less like the definition of a marriage "not working." Or at least a big part of one not working. I'm not talking out of wisdom on the sex side, obviously, but we have gone through a couple years now of watching many of our friends hit mid life and wind up divorced for similar non-sexual reasons. Eventually you run out of gas to put up with issues you don't deal with openly. Example: Our best friends got divorced 18 months ago in a heinous fashion right out of a movie: he found out she was having an affair with a woman when he heard the AOL email chime on their kitchen computer. She had forgotten to log out and her lover had just written a very explicit email which he read, along with the entire history of emails from the previous six months. It turned out she had been uphappy for years and because they couldn't talk it through they crashed big time.

My wife and I promised each other we would never do that to each other - if you have a problem, you talk about it. In an important way watching our friends go through that was what helped me realize I really needed to open up and start the dialog. The deal is: you have to be ready for where the dialog takes you - I think that's the scariest part for me - sounds like it is for you too.

I wish you the best in your relationship,

OV

 

[SweetErika]

Be-ya-ku-ya (it's a character from an anime series I watch) actually the 'be' and the 'ya' sort of run together so it's just bya-ku-ya (I changed my avatar to a picture of byakuya..the Homer one was just a temporary one I had picked at random)

at this point we aren't ready to open the can of worms of bringing other people into the relationship.. if I knew she was 100% comfortable with the idea I might consider it, but I don't see that happening.. she had a religious upbringing and had saved herself for marriage and everything, so that's the sort of mindset I'm dealing with here.. she strongly believes that sex with anyone other than your spouse is wrong.. but she's not exactly a 'puritan' either.. she believes there are no limits on a married couple as long as they aren't bringing other people into the relationship.. so she doesn't believe "kink" is wrong.. she's just not into it..

anyway, I don't want to totally hijack Omniavincet's thread here.. suffice to say, I know what it's like to desire kink from a partner who isn't into it.. often we hear that we can't make a non-kinky person become kinky, but neonflux had an encouraging post.. so there is hope for people like Omnia and myself.. it could take many years for our vanilla partners to come around, but I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility.. it's a tempting thought to jump into bed with another more-kinky woman.. it sure would be a lot easier than trying to "convert" my wife.. but I do love my wife even though she doesn't satisfy me in the bedroom, so I'm willing to go on being unsatisfied with my sex life if that's what it takes to make our marriage work.. but it's very depressing to me to think that I might go through my whole life repressing these desires..

that's just the situation I'm in.. I'm not saying that everyone who is in a similiar situation is obligated to make the same choices I've made.. everyone has to make their own decisions for their lives..

Thanks for the pronunciation guide.

It took me a long time to recognize I had a dominant side, and my husband's still coming to terms with his submissive feelings. So, yeah, there's a chance she'll change her mind and get into what you like, but I certainly agree with the others who have said it's probably not going to work if you're setting your happiness aside long-term.

 

[Byakuya]

I know you guys raise some good points.. I really want to make things work out with her, but of course I also want to be happy.. I'm planning on having some more serious conversations with her about this stuff in the future, but right now we're under a lot of stress with our 10 month old..

last time I posted about this stuff on Lit, everyone said that it would be good to wait since there's a new baby in the picture.. that really was good advice, so right now I'm taking things slow and trying to make our son my top priority.. but of course I can't deny my own needs forever, so eventually I will need to discuss this with my wife in more depth so that she understands it's important and she shouldn't just blow it off..

thanks everyone! I feel bad taking the attention away from Omni's opening post, but I appreciate all the advice!

 

[neonflux]

to some extent I know how you feel.. like you, I really want to explore a lot of kinky stuff that my wife would find disgusting.. however, in my situation, my wife is already aware that I am not happy with our sex life, but she just doesn't care.. so I know she wouldn't cry if I told her I'm not happy because she already knows I'm not happy.. it bothers me that she doesn't care but at the same time, I don't think she is very happy either because she can sense how bored I am with plain ole vanilla sex.. I'm just not passionate about it anymore and it's tough to fake being passionate when I'm bored.. so basically neither of us are really happy with our sex lives anymore, but we're committed to not cheating or leaving so we're pretty much at a loss as to what to do about it.. I'm trying to make things work out with my wife.. I've managed to convince her to try a few kinky things that she wouldn't have dreamed of when we first got married, so I think she's made some progress.. I'm just holding on to the hope that over time she'll become kinky enough for me to enjoy sex again.. at any rate, we've had conversations about things I'd like to do.. and she was initially shocked at some of the things I said I'd like to do with her.. but over time she's gotten used to it and isn't shocked by it anymore.. she still thinks I'm "weird" when it comes to sex, but it's not like admitting all that stuff to her 'dropped a bomb' on our marriage.. so hopefully your wife is level-headed enough to accept you even though you have some "weird" desires.. (of course I'm being facetious when I say you're weird) anyway, good luck to you!

by the way, it's a good sign that your wife is willing to read about kinky stuff! it shows she's interested in making you happy! I bought my wife this book for valentines day, and she's barely cracked the spine.. she opened it once and made some comment that "this stuff is for weird people".. *sigh*

Byakuya, can I assume from some of your other posts that you are submissive? I am asking because I think that for many people, the idea of causing someone else pain is much more of an ethical challenge than the idea of receiving pain. My old play partner had tremendous difficulty coming to terms with his sadism...

I am wondering if part of the difficulty with the book that you presented her (aside from the fact that you also gave it to her for valentine's day when she sounds like she hasn't reached the point where kink is in any way romantic) was that it is definitely a "how to" book. I suspect that she probably needs to understand more about BDSM from a philosophical standpoint first. I would suggest either "when someone you love is kinky" or perhaps Consensual Sadomasochism, which explores the ethical, spiritual and psychological aspects of BDSM (co-author is Sybil Holiday).

I am also wondering if you could at some point get her to watch a video that explores that side of things without getting into the details of "how to." "Vice and Consent" is pretty amazing - just interviews with people who are prominent in the SF bdsm scene talking about how they got involved, what they get out of it, the spiritual side of things, etc. There are no "how to's." It can almost serve as a "video version" of "when someone you love is kinky" and it doesn't require the same investment of time.

One thing about my experience with my partner - We both came to each other after 2 other long-term relationships where we did our "learning." Like omniavincet, we made a commitment to each other to never hold back - to always communicate openly. However, we also made the commitment to never ask/expect the other to be anything than who s/he is.

I never presented any material to him with the intent to get him to engage in activities with me that he'd said he felt were against his nature. Whenever I have spoken to him about my kink, it is always within the context of wanting him to understand who I am, to understand the context for my desires. I think that giving him that space has allowed him to find his own way to some of the play we are now engaging in without ever feeling pressured to do something he feels is "foreign" to him. Also, I have never called anything that we do together "kinky."

QUESTION - does your kink have to include genital sex in order to be satisfying, or is the erotic aspect of BDSm play sufficient without it? I'm asking because I am wondering if your wife would feel comfortable with you having play partners with whom you didn't actually have sex? Some people are able to separate the two (I am among those), others aren't. If you are, could this be a potential solution?

Neon

 

[KuriousTina]

At the end of the day, you should be proud of yourself that you've been honest. Your wife as well might be feeling inadequate that she might not be able to satisfy your desires, plus it's probably pretty scary for her.

As a female, I reckon you need to give her time. After 20 years, this sort of thing is a bit of a bombshell, and while it might not seem totally out of the blue, for her it probably is.

I definitely agree that honest conversation is needed, that and patience on both yours and your partner's sides.

Good luck!