Need help getting wife to initiate sex

[muffdiverxxx]

PLEASE HELP.....

I need help/ideas on how to get my wife to initiate sex more. I've tried and tried to talk to her about it. Sex is usually in bed only and usually missionary position only. Very rarely will she wear lingerie. I've bought her tons of lingerie, toys, a video, and a fore play card game. She seems to (and says) she really enjoys it when we do it, but if I want it I have to initiate it! I'd like for her to walk up to me from behind and unbutton my pants, or drop to her knees and play/suck me to hardness then bend over the couch. These are the types of spontanious initiations I'd like to get her to do.

Please HELP!!!

 

[Guest]

Disappointing Reply ...

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of disappointed that nobody else replied to this post. I have a similar situation and would have enjoyed seeing what other people (particularly the women) had to say on this topic.

Sexual disatsifaction does seem to be a common theme in martial relations ... does anyone have a reason why? and more importantly, a sure-fire solution?

 

[wildrose70]

You just havent had the right woman...nothing I like better than to make the first move...I'm totally turned on by the fact that I can turn a man on and spontaneous sex..is great...most men dont respond that well...sorry I had to always be the one to iniate sex in my former marriage..so sometimes the shoe is on the other foot...there are some of us women...that do feel that way!!!

 

[talulah]

Here's a trick to try, courtesy of an old boyfriend of mine.
Call her up during the day and tell her that you're thinking about the way her body feels against yours. Tell her how you wish she was there right now so you could taste her mouth and listen to the way her breathing changes when you kiss her neck. Or email her... whatever. Anyway, when you're finally together, act like nothing happened. Play hard-to-get.
She may not jump your bones first off if she's shy, but she might try goading you into it. Give in easy the first time, but hold off a little longer the next time, and a little long the next time... You get the point.

Nothing is more fun then when a guy plays coy.

 

[tamol]

This was like reading about myself, my wife is exactly the same. Which is probably why I play around, but I always seem to find the lazy woman who wants to just lie there. Is there any women who like to occassionally take control or was I just born unlucky. Need a break sometimes.

 

[tonytuna1957]

just two words

Penthouse Letters.........

Buy a copy and leave it on the night stand or read it with her around........you might tring reading it to her.........my wife and I enjoy the stories.......and then try to act them out......


The Breast Man......with his 2 cents

 

[mischeviousmisti]

i used to be the same way your wife is

awhile ago, but not now. i had problems initiating sex and sometimes even wanting it. it felt like something i had to do, like an obligation. he didn't treat it that way intentionally, and dindt' really understand what i was saying; but by his patience and only expecting what he got, such as a makeout session instead of sex. I wanted him very badly, and started to initiate. now i'm addicted to him. i think you'll find that the makeout sessions or whatever you two do, may lead to more. you just have to be patient. mayhaps her previous experience with sex has turned her off. i know mine did for a long time. i'm sure she'll come around, you just have to patient and loving.
good luck, misti

 

[Lili]

My boyfriend says that I don't initiate sex.

Last night, after reading this thread, I asked him what 'initiate' meant to him. I asked him to give me some hints of what I could do that would be what he wanted/expected.

He said no woman had ever initiated sex, and so he had no idea what he wanted!

Do you guys who want your women to initiate have any hints for me?

I really love him, and find him incredibely sexy. I tell him that frequently. I also tell him almost daily that I want to have sex, and I kiss and hug him, rub up against him. Sometimes I even attempt to undress him, but he always stops me.

I think those things count as 'initiating', don't you? Or am I way off?

I'd appreciate some ideas/feedback.

Lili

 

[GuidoMustache]

As to how to get woman to initiate sex....like said above, be coy and withhold for a while. My wife thinks sex is something that happens in other countries it seems.

As to how a woman would initiate sex: BE ROUGH! Men are not stimulated by the same gentle and tender impulses that drive women wild. Fast and rough and do not play around! If my wife were to come from behind me in my computer chair, topless and smother me between her breasts....I think I might explode.

Hope this helped you folks some.

 

[Guest]

Hey Lili Boy i say it does i wish i had you for a girl friend

 

[tamol]

My boyfriend says that I don't initiate sex.

It sounds pretty much like you do a fair bit of initiating, maybe your boyfriend doesn't know what he means by it.

If my wife made as much effort as you seem to I'd be in heaven.
I've tried the meal and flowers approach..
The I want to make love to you.......
Lots of hugging......
By this time I was getting real frustrated so I tried...
you want a shag......
I want to fuck you...

But to no avail, but at least we have sex on every 29th February..

 

[sweetbabyjames1]

lili....I think you need to get a new boyfriend. If he tells you to stop when you are trying to initate a sensual encounter, he is just not interested in you physically. He may love your soul, but not your body.

Can you live with that?

I think that is a common problem in relationships and is the driving factor in this thread. I'm one of those guys who is married to Ms. Right. She is perfect, except for our sex life. Early in our relationship, we went to counseling and basically the therapist told me in private, that she had been sexually abused as a child. The point is, some people have sexual hang-ups that they bring to the relationship. You have to make a decision if his redeeming qualities, are worth putting up with his sexual hang-ups.

 

[Lili]

lili....I think you need to get a new boyfriend. If he tells you to stop when you are trying to initate a sensual encounter, he is just not interested in you physically. He may love your soul, but not your body.

No, you're wrong there. He always tells me I'm gorgeous. He's forever groping, nibbling, biting, and fondling me. But that's usually as far as it goes. We could spend a whole day together, each doing those things back and forth every now and then, and still, when it gets down to it, we don't end up having sex.

I think that is a common problem in relationships and is the driving factor in this thread. I'm one of those guys who is married to Ms. Right. She is perfect, except for our sex life. Early in our relationship, we went to counseling and basically the therapist told me in private, that she had been sexually abused as a child. The point is, some people have sexual hang-ups that they bring to the relationship. You have to make a decision if his redeeming qualities, are worth putting up with his sexual hang-ups.

Well, I was sexually abused as a child, but thankfully it didn't turn me off sex. The older I get, the more I want it and the more things I want to try. As far as I know, he was never abused sexually, and he's had plenty of other sexual relationships.

I think the problem is just that I'm hornier than he is. I really want to know what else I could do to actually seduce him, since that may be the only way to get it as frequently as I want it.

We do talk about this issue frequently, and lately our communication has been improving a lot. By which I mean, I'm trying not to be so shy in expressing myself, and he's trying too, although he's a lot shier than I am, especially about feelings etc. Typical strong silent type.

Lili

 

[pipercatt]

I have had issues in the past with initiating, and occasionally still do. Sometimes it's hard to read my partners mood, and sometimes I get caught up in life's journey and fail to notice that he could use a little loving...

GuidoMustache hit it right on the nose when he said that techniques used by men for women don't work when women use them for men. Or at least in my case. I can ruin a mood faster than anything by asking him, "You wanna have sex?"

Being rough, or blunt, in your actions is probably the best way to go. The other night, hubby and I were watching a bad movie, and he was getting bored. Finallly he stood up and sad he was going to bed. I was still sitting on the couch, but I reached out my arms like I wanted him to hug me good nite before he went to sleep. Instead of hugging him, I dived under his arms and quickly pulled down his sweats and slurped his cock into my mouth. His gasp of surprise was soon followed by moans of pleasure, and needless to say, he quickly became un-bored.

P

 

[camee]

I am not sure how long you have been married but the 1st few years of my marriage I faked orgasm. I never wanted to admit to my husband that I was faking it and if your wife tells you that she is having orgasms how can you be sure. I know that I was great at faking them. I bought a back massager one day and had it next to the bed. My husband picked it up one night and started running it down my back and then had me turn over. As soon as it hit my clit I thought my entire body had exploded. Now after feeling what guys feel every time, I want it constantly. I think many men would feel inadequate if they found out they were unable to bring their partner to orgasm but it is much harder and sometimes impossible without a little outside help. We also had an anniversary where the only gifts we could buy each other were sex toys. That was a very fun anniversary.

 

[pipercatt]

Faking O's...that's a whole 'nother thread!

Yes, I've done it. More for my partner's benefit than for mine. He was trying so hard, and it just wasn't working, and now I feel bad. I didn't have the confidence to just stop him and say, "Well...how about if you tried this instead..."

It's been so many years since I faked that I don't know if I could. Is it just me, or do your orgasms change as you grow older? Or, should I say, as you grow more mature, and comfortable in your bodies....

P

 

[GuidoMustache]

If you are going to take the time to fake it, you may as well tell your partner. Honesty is a must, and if he ain't doing it for you....tell the man. My boss at work and her husband are very close friend of mine. I hear about their sex life all the damned time and it pisses me off that she is so sexually forward and my wife thinks that oral sex is something that happens in other countries......grr sorry had to rant.

The reason I think women have trouble with initiating is the possibility of rejection. If they try to initiate sex, they could be shot down and most women do not do with rejection well as to my experience, as where men get rejection all the time. Ladies, walk in front of the television, pull up that short skirt and show him what he is having for dinner.....'nuff said.

 

[sweetbabyjames1]

boyfriend won't respond

Lili...OK maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he does want your body. However, there is still something going on in this guy's head. The stuff that you talk about that you do all day, is the stuff that leads to intimate sex.

I do not think there is anything else that you can do in terms of seductive type of stuff to make him want to be seduced.

Does he have some performance issues? Does he have a medical problem that keeps him from getting/maintaining an erection? Is he on any kind of medication, (such as high blood pressure meds or anit-depression meds)?

email me if you want to talk. You sound like a good person.

 

[pipercatt]

If you are going to take the time to fake it, you may as well tell your partner. Honesty is a must, and if he ain't doing it for you....tell the man. My boss at work and her husband are very close friend of mine. I hear about their sex life all the damned time and it pisses me off that she is so sexually forward and my wife thinks that oral sex is something that happens in other countries......grr sorry had to rant.

I think you should get your wife a passport. Heck, why not just take her to Canada or Mexico? GRIN~

The reason I think women have trouble with initiating is the possibility of rejection. If they try to initiate sex, they could be shot down and most women do not do with rejection well as to my experience, as where men get rejection all the time. Ladies, walk in front of the television, pull up that short skirt and show him what he is having for dinner.....'nuff said.

And in my case, you were absolutely right. I hated the thought of being rejected. Now, however, I've realized that I've said my share of No to the hubster, and it's only fair if he says No occasionally too. We've been married long enough that there's no reason for me to be devastated. We made a pact a long time ago. No doesn't mean "no forever", it's means, "Not right now...ask me later."

Piper

 

[GuidoMustache]

Right on Piper

As for the passport, it would only be a temporary Visa, and the plans for return trips would be fruitless.

 

[pipercatt]

such a shame...

that is such a shame, Guido...I hope she makes up for it in other ways..

Piper

 

[GuidoMustache]

My favorite thing to do to suplement our sex life is anal sex, she however hates it. I just can't win. Hence, I am here digging on pictures of nice ladies and chatting to them as well.

 

[Jimbosis]

How did I miss this post???????

I am having the exact same problem as the rest of the guys on this post. I try and try to get my wife to be more involved in our sex life but she is just so damn shy. I talk to her about it and she says she will try to be more aggressive, but she never does. When I bring it up to her she says either, I know I need to, or I never turn you down. And thats true, she never refuses me sex, but she equates that with being aggressive. AARRGGGHHH !!!!! I cant get her to see that that is not it. She wont watch pornos. She wont read erotic stories. She wont talk dirty to me. She wont scream out in orgasm. She says she likes it when we have sex. She is a very quiet climaxer, but I can tell that she does. I can feel it in her and she shakes and trembles when she comes.

I have tried many things including withholding. Over and over I have told myself I was not going to initiate sex and wait for her. Well you know how long that lasts, usually a couple of weeks max. Then after our first kid was born I said this is a great opportunity to see how long, because you are supposed to wait at least 6 weeks anyway. Well, I jerked off quite a few times during this period and then didnt initiate anything for over 6 mos. After awhile it was like a game to me. To see how much I could get myself off and not try to have sex. Well, I guess I know my breaking point... Its 6 mos and 20 days..... I just couldnt wait anymore.

I so wish I had someone like you Lili. That guy doesnt know how lucky he is. I have contemplated leaving, but she is just a great wife in every other way and a fantastic mother to our kids. I keep hearing from other women that they got really sexual as they got older into their mid to late 30's, so I am hoping that might happen with my wife. She is 33 soon, so I guess I will have to wait.

It has been nice to be able to come to this site and know that I am not the only one too. I have had some really nice emails from people as well. Plus I have met someone here that I am able to exchange fantasies with and that has been a blessing in keeping me sane. Although it also makes me kind of sad because I wish I could have a relationship with this woman. But you know what they say, the grass is always greener......

Sorry about the rant....

 

[GuidoMustache]

Feel free to rant pal, we will form a support group for married folks who aren't having good sex. I said this on another thread I believe, but I am also glad that there is a forum like this to have intellegent conversations about these things and have a sympathetic ear to rant to.

Good luck and much lotion and kleenex pal, it helps.

 

[talulah]

Wow... I didn't know that so many men were in this situation. I'll tell you guys flat out that I used to be your wives/SO's. I didn't say much during sex, and I never initiated anything at all. If you wanted a kiss, you'd better take it. Not that I'd mind... I just wasn't sure enough of myself to make the first move.

If you've really truely followed the advice given, played hard to get, encouraged her fanasies, and made sure that she wouldn't feel rejected and she STILL has "cold fish" syndrome, then I don't know what else to say.

I do want you guys to know that it is such a slow process. I wasn't mouse girl one minute, then raving nympho the next. I still have problems with some things... like talking dirty in bed (I just feel silly!) when I'm not drunk or whatever. *sheepish grin* But once you manage to break that icy layer that she's keeping around herself for whatever reason, you're in for a wonderful journey. Just think, you'll get to watch her come into her own as a woman... what could be more beautiful?