need feedback

[WoodyTheWise]

My first story has been accepted, i'm after feedback please

http://www.literotica.com/s/alice-remembers

 

[roomfor1more]

At least my impression from reading it, the story reads as though it is a draft for a creative writing class that is in need of further revisions. It is muddled with words that do not mean much such as, "It was a lovely warm summer day with the typical brilliant blue sky and cotton-like clouds that time of year was famous for." For me, it does not really describes a typical summer day. It lacks some other descriptions of a summer day such as, what the the day feel like? Was it hot? Was it humid? Was there a gentle breeze that provided relief from the heat? What was happening in the background? What is the setting for this scene?

Another example, "He spoke, his voice giving away his English origin..." What do you mean by English origin? Did he speak in English? Is the scene in a foreign country? Alternatively, is the person from England? If so, just stating English origin means nothing since you have not captured the flare of how the English speak. Like in the US there are varying dialects and accents. Unfortunately you have not captured it in your story and just stating it, does not do much for me.

Another aspect that makes it read like a draft for a creative writing course beyond being muddled, is the lack of depth to the story. For example, "She could feel his manhood beginning to stiffen as his other hand moved round to her pussy, and the fingers of that hand worked the lips first, then she felt his fingers probing to enter her. " What was she thinking? What was she feeling, at that point? Also, why the long sentence? Why not break it down?

At least for me, as a reader, I found your attempt at being creative distracting me. I feel, if you added a bit more depth to your story and avoided attempts to sound creative this would have been a 5* story. Unfortunately I only gave it 2* since your attempt at being creative was dismal and it was a major distraction to the story.

 

[WoodyTheWise]

Thanks

All of your honest comment have been taken on board, and I thank you for them.

WTW