need feedback
- Thread starter Sshafer
- Start date
sanchopanza
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2003
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- 433
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113101
when you post in future you should leave the direct link to the story as well - not everyone can be bothered to search for the story.
I don't know about this one. Maybe a little too light-hearted. A little more bloody violent dark humour would not have gone amiss.
Some good parts: "And the way I figure it, as long as Zuzu has batteries, I just might survive her visit."
Overall it was just okay. The sex was not rampant enough for vampires and the humour wasn't black enough for a vampire story. With a little work I think it could be very good.
when you post in future you should leave the direct link to the story as well - not everyone can be bothered to search for the story.
I don't know about this one. Maybe a little too light-hearted. A little more bloody violent dark humour would not have gone amiss.
Some good parts: "And the way I figure it, as long as Zuzu has batteries, I just might survive her visit."
Overall it was just okay. The sex was not rampant enough for vampires and the humour wasn't black enough for a vampire story. With a little work I think it could be very good.
ButterflyLane
Virgin
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2003
- Posts
- 21
Point in sschfer's favor- it is listed as Humor and Satire... so it does fit the category.
I guess I'm shallow... I liked it.
It's a light, cutesy sort of story.
That said, more sex would have been a good addition.
I guess I'm shallow... I liked it.
It's a light, cutesy sort of story. That said, more sex would have been a good addition.
Sancho is right. I probably wouldn't have bothered to look for it if it wasn't here.
Colleen Thomas
Ultrafemme
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,545
Not bad at all for afirst effort. It's light hearted and rather amusing. More sex would have been nice, but it isn't really what you were shooting for I don't think. Keep writing and keep trying. hopefully Doc M, Pure or HS will give you a through technical critique, they are the masters.
-Colly
-Colly
sanchopanza
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2003
- Posts
- 433
i know it was posted as humour aand written as such. i was simply saying that it wasn't filthy or depraved enough for me . . . so young and yet so corrupted
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
Hi sshafer,
You have a very fun story here. Your dialogue is fantastic and you use it well in this story. I enjoyed your chatty, first person narration and you pulled it off very well.
I have a comment about your descriptive prose though. This was very weak and could be tightened up a little through better grammar, tighter structure and a more mature vocabulary.
As the others have said, you could have fed us more sex, but it's inclusion would not effect the story either way, it would just change the stroke factor.
I have sent you a private message, with a detailed edit, which you can access through your control panel.
You have a very fun story here. Your dialogue is fantastic and you use it well in this story. I enjoyed your chatty, first person narration and you pulled it off very well.
I have a comment about your descriptive prose though. This was very weak and could be tightened up a little through better grammar, tighter structure and a more mature vocabulary.
As the others have said, you could have fed us more sex, but it's inclusion would not effect the story either way, it would just change the stroke factor.
I have sent you a private message, with a detailed edit, which you can access through your control panel.
sanchopanza
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2003
- Posts
- 433
so champagne1982 so, you want to show us up eh? our feedback not good enough is that it. had to go one step further
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
sanchopanza said:
When ya got it, flaunt it!Actually, sshafer has only asked us for feedback, not critique. If I were to post the detailed analysis of his story, that would ruin it for others. I think everyone should read A Vampire Night Out, vote and leave feedback. I would hate to influence anyone unduly through my critique.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
My problem with this is that it really isn't a story. It's the start of a story, but it has no climax and no resolution.
Okay, everyone thinks I'm being too critical: it's a light piece of fluff. But still, it reads like the author had an idea about fucking a hot lady Vampire, and then didn't know what to do with it. I recognize the beast. I've written stories like this myself: good idea, no where to go with it.
My other problem is that the main joke--vampires at a blood bank--is pretty shopworn. I did like the part about heating up the blood for her, but, you know, you can't just walk into a blood bank and ask for a couple of pints.
The writing was good, the tone suitably light and chatty, it's just that there really needs to be something there to make the reading worthwhile.
---dr.M.
Okay, everyone thinks I'm being too critical: it's a light piece of fluff. But still, it reads like the author had an idea about fucking a hot lady Vampire, and then didn't know what to do with it. I recognize the beast. I've written stories like this myself: good idea, no where to go with it.
My other problem is that the main joke--vampires at a blood bank--is pretty shopworn. I did like the part about heating up the blood for her, but, you know, you can't just walk into a blood bank and ask for a couple of pints.
The writing was good, the tone suitably light and chatty, it's just that there really needs to be something there to make the reading worthwhile.
---dr.M.
