Need critical input for "Anal Virgin"

[dr_luvs_shaving]

Over a year ago I wrote the story "Anal Virgin". It received a low score. I would like to improve my writing skills and would like to start by requesting feedback for improving this story. Any and all constructive feedback is appriciated.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=94478

Thanks
Doc

 

[Joseph King]

First 3 things that spring to mind is. I was once told to launch straight into some sort of action, even dialogue and not to start with, "It was a hot July day" or such like.

You give what the tips on here call a police description, 5'6", blonde hair etc...

On line 3 of conversation you are asking, "Have you had anal sex?"

I'm a novice but I would have built it up and asked the question a lot later.

 

[dr_luvs_shaving]

Thanks very much for your feedback. Perhaps I could forward a draft of the redo to you for your additional comments. Thanks again. doc

 

[Pure]

Please read the sticky thread and the informational thread, to get better results, in case you're interested in swapping critiques.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, for one thing, I don’t think this story is very believable. This guy’s supposed to be an anal virtuoso and yet he doesn’t even use any lube, which is the first thing anyone who’s ever done anal would think about. Without lube and plenty of it, it’s extremely uncomfortable or even painful for both parties. And his method of relaxing her and getting her ready is a warm bath and kissing her all over. That’s not going to help her take a cock in her ass without considerable pain. It just doesn’t feel like real anal sex.

But, this is Literotica, where fantasy is reality, so let’s ignore that stuff.

I think the biggest problem is the lack of concrete sensual detail in the story. The guy describes what he did to her as if he were building a bar: I did this and I did that. I kissed her here, then I touched her there. There’s no descritpion of what she felt like, how she responded, no sense of interaction and emotion between the characters. It gives the sex a very dry and mechanical feel. No emotion, all very matter-of-fact.

This is just my opinion, but for me, porn is more than what people do. It’s the way they react, and what they feel about what they do. For me, the sexiest stuff is always mental.

It’s a good story. The mechanics are sound. I think you jst have to find a way to incorporate a little more erotic heat into it.

bets,

---dr.M.