Need and Uncertainty (in relationships)

[neonlyte]

Generally... (gulp) women shy away from needy men. Yet 'need' is a fundamental pillar of relationship, no matter how emancipated the duo.

And where does need become dependence? Can you see that when fitting tab A in slot B is the motivating force?

Does the absence of need automatically lead to uncertainty (in a relationship)?

 

[English Lady]

Straight in with a contradiction to your first statement. I married a needy man, I like needy men, I love to be needed.

Are need and dependance any different, really? If you need someone surely you're depending on them for something?

I don't know if a lack of need leads to uncertainty -I think I'd be worried, though, if my husband got to a point where it seemed like he didn't need me anymore. I think that is more to do with my self confidence, though than our relationship.

 

[rgraham666]

Except for writing about them I no longer wonder about relationships.

I'm going to be single forever so why sweat about them?

 

[impressive]

I don't want to be needed. I need to be wanted.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

There's being needed and there's being needed, adult neediness and infantile neediness. I think we want to be essential to someone's happiness but we don't want to be essential to their very survival. We want to know that someone's with us by choice, not desperation, because if they're stuck to us because they have no choice, they're going to start resenting us and eventually hating us, and we'll start hating them.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

DOC

Bravo! At last someone says it clearly and distinctly. "She's the secret ingredient in my happiness.'

 

[Selena_Kitt]

There's being needed and there's being needed, adult neediness and infantile neediness. I think we want to be essential to someone's happiness but we don't want to be essential to their very survival. We want to know that someone's with us by choice, not desperation, because if they're stuck to us because they have no choice, they're going to start resenting us and eventually hating us, and we'll start hating them.

YES!!!!

 

[Safe_Bet]

I don't want to be needed. I need to be wanted.

Imp said it very well. (God, smart chicks are SUCH a turn on! )

I want to be wanted, to be desired, to be adored - Fuck - I can even deal with venerated! Just don't be "needy".

EVERYBODY has "needy" moments or moods. But, excluding my kids, I don't want somebody that "needs" me to give them self worth or to validate and "protect" them on a regualr basis. I want a partner not another child. I also don't want a partner that would put up with that kind of behavior from me for very long.

How can you maintain a healthy long term relationship when one party is always giving and the other is always taking? To me being "wanted" and being "needed" are polar opposites.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

I don't want to be needed. I need to be wanted.

I second that!

 

[BlackShanglan]

There's being needed and there's being needed, adult neediness and infantile neediness. I think we want to be essential to someone's happiness but we don't want to be essential to their very survival. We want to know that someone's with us by choice, not desperation, because if they're stuck to us because they have no choice, they're going to start resenting us and eventually hating us, and we'll start hating them.

Beautifully put.

There's nothing less sexy than feeling that one is dealing with an infant. Unless, I suppose, that's one of your fetishes. It's not one of mine.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Beautifully put.

There's nothing less sexy than feeling that one is dealing with an infant. Unless, I suppose, that's one of your fetishes. It's not one of mine.

Mine either. Adults in diapers does nothing but creep me out. *shudder*

 

[neonlyte]

Looking at the replies, I think I agree with all of them, I obviously phrased the question incorrectly.

My thinking was more along the line of a mutual dependency and the removal of dependency, leading to uncertainty. As a simplistic example, one partner is dependent upon the other to solve technical problems, once they learn to solve the technical problems for themselves, the other is less needed.

Applying emotional tags to that, how far might one encourage another to achieve independence if their independence strips away the emotional support - naturally, there is a writing problem behind this, though I'm coming from the other direction of someone not needing the emotional support, but 'arranging the sex' in a one sided relationship, and thus possibly becoming dependent.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Sounds like a control issue. On the most simplistic level, you need someone for say, sexual gratification, and you want to need them just enough to keep it interesting but not so much that they control you every waking second because of your aching need. Just a thought. I don't know if it even connects to what you said, but it's my instinctive response.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Looking at the replies, I think I agree with all of them, I obviously phrased the question incorrectly.

My thinking was more along the line of a mutual dependency and the removal of dependency, leading to uncertainty. As a simplistic example, one partner is dependent upon the other to solve technical problems, once they learn to solve the technical problems for themselves, the other is less needed.

Applying emotional tags to that, how far might one encourage another to achieve independence if their independence strips away the emotional support - naturally, there is a writing problem behind this, though I'm coming from the other direction of someone not needing the emotional support, but 'arranging the sex' in a one sided relationship, and thus possibly becoming dependent.

Hmmm. That's a tough answer for me. My relationship with the SO doesn't generally work that way. We each have our areas of specialty, but we enjoy working together. Whether we need the other's help or not, we like to collaborate; much of the time, once one has taught the other a skill, we're both happy because now we can enjoy completing the task together.

I'm a little fuzzy on your writing issue. You're writing from the perspective of someone who doesn't need emotional support from his or her partner, but does need to sort out their sex lives? The other partner used to need emotional support but is becoming more independent, thus leaving the protagonist feeling more dependent as s/he attempts to carry on their sex life? I'm not sure whether you want that protagonist to feel that this is a problem, or whether you want the protagonist to avoid feeling that way.

Avoiding feeling it is pretty easy; just have the protagonist enjoy the cheerfulness and new energy of the partner and perhaps take an interest in whatever things that partner focuses upon. Having the feeling of dependence works too, so long as the protagonist focuses on the loss of the partner's time and attention and comes to realize that s/he has actually been more reliant on that person's presence and lack of other plans than s/he realized.

Hope that makes sense. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm confused about what you want and adding more confusion!

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Looking at the replies, I think I agree with all of them, I obviously phrased the question incorrectly.

My thinking was more along the line of a mutual dependency and the removal of dependency, leading to uncertainty. As a simplistic example, one partner is dependent upon the other to solve technical problems, once they learn to solve the technical problems for themselves, the other is less needed.

Oh hell... I CAN kill spiders. I just don't WANT to. I CAN start the lawn mower. I just don't WANT to. I'll ALWAYS ask him to do those things first.

 

[neonlyte]

I'm a little fuzzy on your writing issue. You're writing from the perspective of someone who doesn't need emotional support from his or her partner, but does need to sort out their sex lives? The other partner used to need emotional support but is becoming more independent, thus leaving the protagonist feeling more dependent as s/he attempts to carry on their sex life? I'm not sure whether you want that protagonist to feel that this is a problem, or whether you want the protagonist to avoid feeling that way.

Hope that makes sense. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm confused about what you want and adding more confusion!

I'm not actually helping, am I, with these questions

OK - Protag, female, regards herself as particularly unattractive as a result of surgery. She is successful in her field of activity, insular, almost uncaring. She does, however come into contact with and desire sex (she's a painter). Sex can be arranged and paid for, it's the turmoil of dependency from both or either (assuming she becomes fixated upon an individual) that raises the question of need and uncertainty.

I'm not sure an individual can ever convince themselves to accept a relationship when the need for the relationship expires, and it cuts both ways, the uncertainty must always be there. On the other hand, remove the motivation for the need and let the relationship develop slowly... I'm not sure it would (for these characters).

I've got them into this, I know how it ends... I can't decide upon how to move them from D to F, via E.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'm not actually helping, am I, with these questions

OK - Protag, female, regards herself as particularly unattractive as a result of surgery. She is successful in her field of activity, insular, almost uncaring. She does, however come into contact with and desire sex (she's a painter). Sex can be arranged and paid for, it's the turmoil of dependency from both or either (assuming she becomes fixated upon an individual) that raises the question of need and uncertainty.

I'm not sure an individual can ever convince themselves to accept a relationship when the need for the relationship expires, and it cuts both ways, the uncertainty must always be there. On the other hand, remove the motivation for the need and let the relationship develop slowly... I'm not sure it would (for these characters).

I've got them into this, I know how it ends... I can't decide upon how to move them from D to F, via E.

Ahhh. OK, I think I understand now. I'm not sure we'll agree, though.

To me, what would be stirring enough to move from "we have sex because I pay you" to "we have sex because it's mutually desired" is just a glimpse of that mutual desire. That's what redefines the relationship. Initially, both would be working on a "need" basis in a very pragmatic sense: "I need sex" and "I need cash." When the need gives way to desire - "I want you," ideally from the "I need cash" partner - then to me, that's a good transition moment. It doesn't even really need to be communicated verbally, imho.

But that's just me. I've done a story that way and I was happy with the results, but I don't know how well it fits with your vision.