need advice on how to get the guy:)

[andrierheitur]

in my past i have used and abused all kinds of drugs and alcahol.
now i want something for me since i am sober. i met a brilliant man in my last rehab he gave me his number and told me to call when i came out of the hospital,
but i dont have the courage to do so. but i really want to.

he decided 2 years a go to obstaine from sex, but im a higly sexual person and i like him dearly.

how do women flört with man and show them, that they are interested.

i feel he gave me some signs that he liked me too, we spent every evening together and he gave me his adress and ðhonenumber. but i just cant show up or even call him..
does anyone have some advice for me.

 

[SweetErika]

Congratulations on your sobriety.

If I may ask, how long has it been since you met this man in rehab? How long have you been clean and sober this time?

Also, are you in a 12-step program (like Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous), or another ongoing support program where you have a sponsor?

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall 12-step and many other programs typically having guidelines against members dating each other for something like a year after they've been sober and worked the steps. The idea is that sobriety is a struggle, requires a lot of self-focus/self-work and having a partner who also has a more recent history of addiction puts one at greater risk for falling off the wagon themselves. For example, if you dated another alcoholic/addict and they went back to abusing, it could make it easier for you to go back to it as well (and vice versa). It's just something to consider very carefully and ideally discuss with your sponsor, therapist, support people, etc.

That said, if you're both doing well with your recovery and/or have been sober for quite sometime, there's likely nothing wrong with contacting this man and seeing if continuing your friendship and support of each other is a possibility. Any way you look at it, developing a good friendship first seems like the wisest course of action. You two could always do that with the agreement that dating/romance might be a possibility in the future if you both want to and you're both doing very well with your personal growth and sobriety.

Anyway, I'd suggest talking to your sponsor/therapist/support people about this situation and then maybe giving the guy a call to see if he'd like to meet for coffee, or even attend a meeting together. That would be your first step in showing him you're interested in getting to know him better.

 

[subwannabe]

This may sound kind of cruel but to me this doesn't sound like a winning situation for a drug and alcohol abuser to contact someone she met in rehab. I'm assuming he is an abuser also. Let's assume that you get through this and are "cured". The chances of both of you never having problems again is very small. Good luck to you but my advice is not to get involved with anyone if they have had the same kind of problems. You're just asking for trouble. Do your best to never fall back and get involved with someone that doesn't have the very same kind of baggage you do.

 

[oxfordsea]

SweetErika, makes some great points to follow or consider.

But also remember simple is better than regretting never trying. Simple, is call and ask out. An early dinner is a good safe start.

Flirting is no art. Smile and have fun. A smile does 80% of the flirting. Showing interest in someone also is a simple, safe way to flirt. Unless they're dressed in a dirty pig suit, comment on, and compliment what they're wearing.

Have fun.

 

[sxemichael]

Well, you may dismiss my answer; however, I have a friend currently in rehab and has been sober from alcoholism for over a few years. One of the main things they teach you in AA is staying away from relationships for the first year or two. The second thing would be to stay away from relationships in rehab/AA meetings.

 

[bambikiller]

I know two poeple who met at their AA meeting. married for 10 years so far.

 

[SweetErika]

I know two poeple who met at their AA meeting. married for 10 years so far.

I'm sure it happens all the time.

The length of sobriety makes a huge difference. If people have been sober for, say, 10 years, they're less likely to have issues than a couple who's been sober for months or a year or two.

 

[andrierheitur]

thank you all for the replies.

as sweeterika says, we are adviced not to start emotional relationships in rehab or in the AA,NA.
and i do not want to have it on my shoulders should he take a slip and fall into the opium again.
i dont have long sobriety neither does he, and we are probably more vulnurable now.
so maybe we will just remain friends.
although im thinking off letting him know of my interest in him. then the ball is in his corner.

i have found myself to be more interessted in sex and sexual activities since my rehab.
and i lived a very fast life as an addict. my life was filled with allsorts of excitement and i enhanced my excitement with drugs. but im very adament of being sober.
im really going to have to think this all well through.
i belive that i will speak to my therapist about this.

thank you all for your advice.
and please excuse my spelling, im hoping my english will come back with my mind, hehe

 

[missgiter]

Just wanted to say congratulations on your sobriety. I wish you the best successes.

 

[Lord Pmann]

One thing to note... If the guy has just decided to temporarily abstain for sex, then there may be some hope (not considering all of the other issues you currently face). But if you are highly sexual and he is not, then you've got some serious issues to confront. There are stories upon stories here about spouses with different sex drives and how it can become a huge detriment to the relationship. Really consider the situation before moving forward.

Congrats on your sobriety and best of luck.