Need advice-New to being bi

[ecstaticsub]

I'm struggling a little with something. For those who don't know me this is not a personal ad, and I know this has little to do with BDSM but I've been on this forum for years and I trust I can get good advice.

I have thought of myself as straight most of my life (other then a few teen crushes). Seven years ago about the time I met my dominant I started to lean a little toward being bi-curious. This was mostly because on the forum where we met the women would all flirt with each other , post pictures together and in general just tease each other. Of course since my dominant was/is into 3some and moresomes I was further encouraged to be open to the idea of being with women.

Well...A strange thing happened this past seven years. As I have experienced more and more f/f play I have moved from being bi-curious, to heteroflexible to truly not only lusting after a woman or two but craving a loving relationship too. It is no longer just fulfilling a desire of his, it is more I want to get to know this person and develop a relationship for my own enjoyment (and hers of course).

So the problem is I know there is a degree of anger/hatred/annoyance from lesbians and those who have always known they were bi toward women who are bi-curious or just want to bring in a woman for their dominant or are just exploring. I understand and respect that.

There are also some realities to my situation. I am very happily married to a man. He is completely ok with anything I want to do with others as long as I am honest with him. The more restrictive relationship I am in is my D/s- O/p relationship. I have talked to him about my desires and he is willing to discuss opportunities on a case by case basis.

So...the question is how to meet other women with like interests without being an asshole. I don't want to offend anyone. Am I asking too much? Do I have any chance in hell of finding a woman who would be ok with my relationship realities?

I never have any problem flirting with men....or flirting playfully with women. But taking this next step is making me so nervous.

Also to be clear..I know this is a BDSM forum but I am not really looking for it to be a BDSM relationship.

(again this is not meant to be a personal ad, I'm just trying to get advice from my friends)

Thanks in advance

 

[BiBunny]

First of all: *hugs*

Ok, secondly, before I put in my two cents, I wanna be sure what I am saying might be helpful. So I have a question. (You may have addressed this in your OP, but I haven't had enough caffeine yet today, so please forgive me if you did.)

Is it a (potential) relationship that you are looking for, or do you want to do some--God, I hate this word--"experimenting"? That should help me say something relevant to your situation.

 

[Shankara20]

(sounds of Shank pondering his own journey from straight to bi-courteous to bi to almost-absolutely-gay to bi-married-to-a-straight and his journey to find his first same-sex-lover)

 

[desertslave]

Slipping a third person into any existing relationship isn't easy. D/s relationships seem to muddy the waters even more. I've had friends who have attempted to integrate another woman into their lives with mixed results...some turn out not to be genuinely into women at all, some have it in their heads that they can edge the primary sub out of the picture, and some actually do make it work!

Maybe, hopefully, not including the BDSM aspect might make things easier. The MOST important thing, as usual, is communication. Be clear on what you want out of the relationship, be clear about what you don't want, be very clear about having the primary relationship that you intend to keep primary (assuming, of course, that's how you mean it).

I suspect that you might still have better, um, prospects within the BDSM community simply because there are more people who are more open to less traditional relationships to begin with.

The biggest caution I have is that it's difficult to establish an "on the side" relationship with almost anyone because most people are looking for that special someone. However, being willing to be someone until Someone comes along can be very rewarding, too.

All that said, if you find someone, could you please clone her?

 

[Cattypuss]

bi-courteous

Like

 

[ecstaticsub]

First of all: *hugs*

Ok, secondly, before I put in my two cents, I wanna be sure what I am saying might be helpful. So I have a question. (You may have addressed this in your OP, but I haven't had enough caffeine yet today, so please forgive me if you did.)

Is it a (potential) relationship that you are looking for, or do you want to do some--God, I hate this word--"experimenting"? That should help me say something relevant to your situation.

Thanks, I was really hoping you would respond. I am looking for a potential relationship. I have had several f/M/f 3somes where I really was wishing that I could have more 1 on 1 time with the other female. So I guess I would say I am past the experimental stage.

Presently my dominant has another submissive. All three of us have played together. Her and I are friends and I enjoy being with her but... well I would like a relationship with someone who wants me for me, and where I want her for her instead of the primary reason we are together is we are both submissive to the same man. If that makes sense?

 

[ecstaticsub]

(sounds of Shank pondering his own journey from straight to bi-courteous to bi to almost-absolutely-gay to bi-married-to-a-straight and his journey to find his first same-sex-lover)

Glad to see I'm not the only one

 

[ecstaticsub]

Slipping a third person into any existing relationship isn't easy. D/s relationships seem to muddy the waters even more. I've had friends who have attempted to integrate another woman into their lives with mixed results...some turn out not to be genuinely into women at all, some have it in their heads that they can edge the primary sub out of the picture, and some actually do make it work!

Maybe, hopefully, not including the BDSM aspect might make things easier. The MOST important thing, as usual, is communication. Be clear on what you want out of the relationship, be clear about what you don't want, be very clear about having the primary relationship that you intend to keep primary (assuming, of course, that's how you mean it).

I suspect that you might still have better, um, prospects within the BDSM community simply because there are more people who are more open to less traditional relationships to begin with.

The biggest caution I have is that it's difficult to establish an "on the side" relationship with almost anyone because most people are looking for that special someone. However, being willing to be someone until Someone comes along can be very rewarding, too.

All that said, if you find someone, could you please clone her?

I have a rather complicated relationship. I am married to a kinky vanilla, My dominant ( is not my husband) and he has another submissive who is not married. (they are also not married to each other and though we don't so primary and secondary she has only been with him for a year vs my 7 years)

So the new relationship I am looking for will be in addition to all of the above. I don't want it to be on-line only. I am open to how often we see each other but at least once a month would be nice. More often would be even better. It doesn't matter to me what their other relationships are as long as it is clear that if they have a dominant I will not, can not submit in any way shape or form to him.

I get the "looking for that special someone" part. I figure as long as they know nothing ever can come between me and my other relationships I am open to any new relationship being as important.

Thanks

 

[Loverskitten]

Ok I have a question. You are married to one person, have a D/s relationship with another, and are now looking for a lesbian relationship? Is that right? How do you have time for all these? Aren't you spreading yourself a little thin?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ok I have a question. You are married to one person, have a D/s relationship with another, and are now looking for a lesbian relationship? Is that right? How do you have time for all these? Aren't you spreading yourself a little thin?

I also have 2 teenage children and a full-time job. I have been hanging out on a few poly forms and it doesn't seem like 3 relationships would be impossible. I would be upfront with all concerned.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, I was really hoping you would respond. I am looking for a potential relationship. I have had several f/M/f 3somes where I really was wishing that I could have more 1 on 1 time with the other female. So I guess I would say I am past the experimental stage.

Presently my dominant has another submissive. All three of us have played together. Her and I are friends and I enjoy being with her but... well I would like a relationship with someone who wants me for me, and where I want her for her instead of the primary reason we are together is we are both submissive to the same man. If that makes sense?

Okey dokey. That helps me a lot.

1.) I know you will be honest with everyone, but I would be sure to emphasize that you aren't just looking for "a third" for you and your husband or you and your dominant. There is a lot of that going around, and, fair or not, it often turns women who are looking for a relationship with another woman off. So I think if you emphasize that up front, it will help your chances.

2.) There's a good chance that you will have better luck with other bisexual women than with lesbians. That's not to say that you should write another woman off because she is a lesbian, but don't be surprised if the reverse ends up being true.

3.) You might also have good luck with other married (or otherwise partnered) bisexual women who aren't into the whole "looking for a third" thing. Best of luck to you with finding one, LOL, but they are out there (I think).

4.) The thing that many women forget, I think, when trying to find another woman is to treat the other lady the way they would like to be treated themselves. Not many people, male or female, really want to be treated as a disposable sex toy, at least not for any length of time. The fact that you have posted this thread means you most likely won't be an asshole, even though you are afraid you might come across as one. Assholes don't generally worry about being assholes, y'know?

I'm sure there is more I could add, but I can't think of anything right now. I'll definitely watch the thread, though, and post if something else comes to me.

 

[Shankara20]

Like

damn spell check - correct spelling, wrong word

"courteous" hee hee

 

[Bandit58]

I have a female lover/friend (W). She is not involved with Sir, nor am I involved with her husband. She comes over a couple of times a month for some playtime (strictly vanilla, she is not into the lifestyle although I think I could persuade her to try a blindfold and some light bondage ).

We met on a personals site. She and her hubby swing with other couples, but she wanted something "just for her". I'm not interested in sex with other men, so this has been perfect for both of us.

This has worked well for us for the past 5 years now But be prepared for a long wait to find someone for yourself ES. I think W and I just got lucky. Right place right time and all that.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Okey dokey. That helps me a lot.

1.) I know you will be honest with everyone, but I would be sure to emphasize that you aren't just looking for "a third" for you and your husband or you and your dominant. There is a lot of that going around, and, fair or not, it often turns women who are looking for a relationship with another woman off. So I think if you emphasize that up front, it will help your chances.

I totally understand this. I have been approached on occasion from other submissives asking me to be a third before I even get to know them. Then their dominant emails me right away wanting to hook up. Ugghh...no thank you.

2.) There's a good chance that you will have better luck with other bisexual women than with lesbians. That's not to say that you should write another woman off because she is a lesbian, but don't be surprised if the reverse ends up being true.

Yes, this is what I was thinking, too. Still I will keep an open mind.

3.) You might also have good luck with other married (or otherwise partnered) bisexual women who aren't into the whole "looking for a third" thing. Best of luck to you with finding one, LOL, but they are out there (I think).

Originally years ago I was on a wifesharing site and it seemed all the women who were looking for other woman were doing it just to placate their husbands. But I figure there must be others like me out there, right?

4.) The thing that many women forget, I think, when trying to find another woman is to treat the other lady the way they would like to be treated themselves. Not many people, male or female, really want to be treated as a disposable sex toy, at least not for any length of time. The fact that you have posted this thread means you most likely won't be an asshole, even though you are afraid you might come across as one. Assholes don't generally worry about being assholes, y'know?

Makes complete sense all of this (including the asshole part )

I'm sure there is more I could add, but I can't think of anything right now. I'll definitely watch the thread, though, and post if something else comes to me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. It is very much appreciated.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have a female lover/friend (W). She is not involved with Sir, nor am I involved with her husband. She comes over a couple of times a month for some playtime (strictly vanilla, she is not into the lifestyle although I think I could persuade her to try a blindfold and some light bondage ).

We met on a personals site. She and her hubby swing with other couples, but she wanted something "just for her". I'm not interested in sex with other men, so this has been perfect for both of us.

This has worked well for us for the past 5 years now But be prepared for a long wait to find someone for yourself ES. I think W and I just got lucky. Right place right time and all that.

What you have sounds exactly what I am looking for. Are the two of you friends also? Do you go out for lunch or go shopping or anything other than playtime? I would really love more then just play/sex with someone.

I have chatted with a few women but unfortunately they all live too far away. I already have one LDR I will not put my heart through another one.

Thanks!

 

[Gil_T2]

Oops!

 

[Bandit58]

LOL forgot Sir was logged in!

What you have sounds exactly what I am looking for. Are the two of you friends also? Do you go out for lunch or go shopping or anything other than playtime? I would really love more then just play/sex with someone.

I have chatted with a few women but unfortunately they all live too far away. I already have one LDR I will not put my heart through another one.

Thanks!

Unfortunately no. She wants to keep her "playtime" life separate from her family life. She has 3 teen daughters who don't know of their parents' extracurricular activities. We are friends on Facebook but have to be very discreet about postings because her daughters are on her friend list.

Plus she works odd shifts and with Sir's treatments we don't get a lot of free time.

 

[ecstaticsub]

LOL forgot Sir was logged in!



Unfortunately no. She wants to keep her "playtime" life separate from her family life. She has 3 teen daughters who don't know of their parents' extracurricular activities. We are friends on Facebook but have to be very discreet about postings because her daughters are on her friend list.

Plus she works odd shifts and with Sir's treatments we don't get a lot of free time.

I wouldn't want my kids to know either but they wouldn't think it was odd at all if I went to visit a female friend to go shopping or have lunch. They wouldn't need to know the intimate details.

But certainly for your relationship to last more then 5 years you both are very close. You are very lucky indeed.

 

[the captians wench]

ES, I'm sorry I don't have more time (or energy) to really expand on this but I wish you a lot of luck.

I might give more on my experiences later.

 

[ecstaticsub]

ES, I'm sorry I don't have more time (or energy) to really expand on this but I wish you a lot of luck.

I might give more on my experiences later.

I understand...Thank you.

(go get some rest, sweetie)

 

[Netzach]

The only time I get offended is when someone wants to bring their man into stuff before I've established any kind of interest in her or commonality with her. I mean, I'm not interested in the threesome for someone else's benefit, and I'm not interested in the psychological impact of what I'm doing with her on him, and I don't want to hear about it. Being dominant myself, i have tried the "Dominating other people's property" sex thing, and you know what it feels like? Unpaid work. With more bullshit. I don't do D/s babysitting. If you come to serve me, you come to treat me like I'm your Dominant in absentia.

If you're married, but it's just like "fact" then super. Let's get on with whatever we're doing, which for me is very light and noncomittal.

STILL this is like, impossible. Either I find women oriented women are mad at me for being not-serious-enough-to-ride-off-into-the-sunset-with-them or completely without a clue first-timers who don't know what the hell they want.

I'm totally not offended by people looking for a casual relationship with me. Operative words, with me, not with T, not with me and their XY-person, not with their other other GF and me. Make sense?

 

[BiBunny]

I'm totally not offended by people looking for a casual relationship with me. Operative words, with me, not with T, not with me and their XY-person, not with their other other GF and me. Make sense?

If you happen to find an extra one of those after you've found one or two for yourself, would you mind sending them my way? Because they don't exist here. Much obliged.

 

[Netzach]

If you happen to find an extra one of those after you've found one or two for yourself, would you mind sending them my way? Because they don't exist here. Much obliged.

What I don't get is that I'm SO not like "let me bring my hot TG partner and my man thing into it!" I think most people have never actually had 3 ways and don't realize that the logistics often get in the way of the hotness.

Anyway, derailment over. I'm sure you'll do fine ES. I'd urge you to stick with pervy girls though, because I can easily adopt the vanilla viewpoint where if I discover you have any kind of "restriction" or "obligation" on your behavior within MY relationship with you imposed by some guy I don't have anything to do with, I will NOT be pleased and not want to get it on. Either pervy girls or a zipped lip, which is hard to do when you start enjoying those lowered girlfriend boundaries.

 

[Stella_Omega]

the vanilla viewpoint where if I discover you have any kind of "restriction" or "obligation" on your behavior within MY relationship with you imposed by some guy I don't have anything to do with, I will NOT be pleased and not want to get it on.

That's not vanilla, particularly. That's... um, maybe your ego not wanting to be someone's allowance, pr a bone to be fought over in someone else's relationship. I don't want to invest a lot of emotion in an "I am allowed" woman either, because what happens to me if one day she isn't allowed anymore -- I have to take care of my own needs, and I need to not be dumped on account of some dude I don't give two shits changing his mind, or punishing my girlfriend for something that has nothing to do with me.

 

[Netzach]

That's not vanilla, particularly. That's... um, maybe your ego not wanting to be someone's allowance, pr a bone to be fought over in someone else's relationship. I don't want to invest a lot of emotion in an "I am allowed" woman either, because what happens to me if one day she isn't allowed anymore -- I have to take care of my own needs, and I need to not be dumped on account of some dude I don't give two shits changing his mind, or punishing my girlfriend for something that has nothing to do with me.

Yes, agreed. I guess I was looking for a shorthand way of saying "not going to get into the restricted idea" If the relationship is NSA enough, I maintain that I don't think there has to be a disclosure. I'd be fine personally NOT knowing about it, would prefer not to. "I'm married" is like, oh tell me more, "I have a Master" is like instant dry zone in the panties, I can handle the fact, but I really really do not want the details.

ETA: I think I have a stronger dose of male-ego-brain than a lot of women do, though, and submissive women may be totally turned on by things I'm not. I don't mind having some side fun with some girl, but I don't like the idea of my unimportance being thrown in my face while having fun.