Need Advice - I’m a lesbian having trouble making my new girlfriend orgasm....

[Fallen_Angel_Eyes]

Ok, so I’m in a totally strange situation. I’ve been a lesbian since I was 14. In the last 7 years, I’ve slept with about 15 girls, and I have NEVER had any problems making them orgasm. I have always been pretty damn confident about my abilities in bed, and I have always been told (even by exes who now hate me) that I am good/amazing in bed.

But with my new girlfriend, I am having serious issues. We’re pretty honest with each other, so I soon learnt that she’s not an ‘inside accompaniment’ person, so I adjusted my focus, but it hasn’t helped.

Basically, what happens is that I can get her really REALLY close, and then something switches off. I haven’t changed anything, but suddenly it’s like a switch has gone off in her head, and the sensations just stop. I can feel that she’s completely on the edge, then all reactions cease, and she pretty much tells me to stop trying. Of course, I try to be persistent, but then she says ‘it’s just not going to happen’ so I stop.

We’ve talked about it, and she says it’s not me, it’s her... she recons it’s an emotional/mental thing, and it’s happened with everyone else she’s been with, but I can’t help but feel a bit insecure about a 40% ‘success rate’ when I KNOW I can do better.

I know I shouldn’t be so focused on the whole orgasm thing, and it’s about the journey, not the destination, but I want to make her feel the way she makes me feel. I know a lot of my insecurities probably stem from being abused as a kid, and taught that giving others pleasure is a reason d’être, but I really like this girl, and I don’t want to lose her.

Talking about it with her only seems to make it worse, but does anyone have any suggestions on where I go from here?

Fallen

 

[CanadaNorth]

Maybe try being a little selfish... but in a good way. Stop worrying about bringing her off, and just do to her what your lustful mind wants. Sooner or later, the two will coalesce.

Here's one of the things I've found women like (I'm a guy, but we all have fingers, right?):

Get her on all fours, with her face (cheek) on the bed, her butt in the air. Finger fuck her like mad, and caress her ass with your other hand, squeezing, kneeding, maybe a little slapping. She'll probably like it... :^)

 

[Jenna2641]

You also have to think that keep pressing things could also put pressure on her to orgasm, which could further block her. When these moments come and you sense them, try just stopping and cuddling with her. Just hold and carress her in a non-sexual way that loving couples do as if she did have an orgasm. If talk comes of it, reasure her how you enjoyed pleasing her. Maybe with a few reasuring sessions like this in your love play, that block of hers might relax and one time things will go over the edge. Or the non-sexual cuddling might lead back to some more love play after a loving cooling off period.

Just some ideas to consider. Good luck for both of you.

 

[emap]

You really need to just let it go, she has issues with orgasming for you. If you can make it not about getting her off and just having fun she will open up and orgasm for you.

You should see if you can get her to open about why she has issues with getting off, just simply ask, don't go into how it makes you feel or anything just simply ask why she has issues with getting off with you and leave it alone, she will tell you when she is ready.

 

[Etoile]

Is she on any medications? Anti-depressants are notorious for depriving people of orgasms, but other medications can do it too.

I've been on anti-depressants for years, and just had to learn to have fun without orgasms every time; if they happen, great - if not, no big deal. My wife had to learn, too, that it wasn't her fault if it didn't happen for me - sometimes you just have to accept that.

My most important advice is have fun and don't obsess over the orgasm.

 

[infinity706]

I'm not on any medications at all and it even happens to me sometimes. Orgasms are just an extra layer of frosting on that awesome cake, though. Sure, they're fun, but sex is a lot more fun when you don't worry about it being perfect.

 

[Stella_Omega]

All of everything that has been said already

I've had two girlfriends that couldn't orgasm with me. I had to just accept it in the one case. Another lady however, got herself going via personal exploration with a showerhead. She soon asked me hold the showerhead for her, and there was a period there were we were totally squeaky clean while we slowly taught her pussy how to enjoy other forms of stimulation as well. Good times!

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Wonderful thread and very good advice. Must say that relaxation seems to be the key. I get the entire insecurity thing. You feel its your fault if you don't get your lover off. Hon, it's not. I can tell by what you write you are a loving caring person. That's what is important, from this affection, eventually orgasms will happen, but if they don't, WTF. Love, enjoy, cuddle, that's the sensitive aspect of lesbians relationships that make our love different.

To me, and this is an opinion, women love differently, caring more about the loving and cuddling than the big O. Indeed, in the case of we women, that cuddling, kissing and loving is what drives you to the O.

There are many a sites on the i'net that will offer you advice, but probably none sager than what you have read in this thread.

There are many pathways to the O. Some prefer the clit, others penetration, some anal, some need multiple arenas. Let your love of this girl promulgate from within, and take that inner peace and simply love, don't worry about the O. I am reasonably sure orgasm's frenzy will raise her little sneaky head and say, "Momma's home!" Love first, then Momma O will happen.

Espie

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

I know what you mean about insecurities. Although overall we have a really good sex life, there are occasional, if irregular, little periods when my girlfriend is unable to orgasm when we have sex. We've talked about this, and we know it's fundamentally because she goes through periods when she's just not in the zone - mainly through work-related stress. But it still makes me feel bad about myself, and inadequate - as if I'm letting her down.

But you're not letting your girlfriend down. It sounds to be as if she's trying too hard to orgasm. And the more you try and come, the less likely you are to do so. As women, our orgasms come from the emotional contentment which allows us both to connect with our partner but also to drift away and really enjoy the sex - alas, you can't just make it happen.

It may be this is exacerbated by her consciousness of your, very natural, desire for her to orgasm for you. Probably, she really wants to orgasm for you - to reassure you, demonstrate her love for you, and her enjoyment of the sex you're giving her. But this might be making it more difficult - she's too focussed on you, and pleasing you, and not indulging herself enough - not finding it possible just to lie back, enjoy herself, and savour the feelings in her clitoris, or whatever.

It's easier to acknowledge that problem than to solve it. How do you stop thinking about the dominant issue? I agree with the suggestion below that you should experiment with switching the focus of your love-making to kissing, caressing and cuddling, or perhaps enjoying each other's breasts. That might give you a shared sense of intimacy, romance, and togetherness, but still with a physical bond, albeit a less sexually overt one.

Perhaps you could also initiate sex when she's not expecting it - first thing in the morning, for example. It could be that she knows when you're due to have sex and spends hours worrying about it in advance, worrying that again she won't be able to orgasm.

Does your girlfriend masturbate? If you don't mind me asking. If so, does she orgasm when she does? And are you able to come yourself during sex with her?

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Does your girlfriend masturbate? If you don't mind me asking. If so, does she orgasm when she does? And are you able to come yourself during sex with her?

I'm glad you added this, because the body can learn. There's much evidence to this. We have so many nerves in our clit, 8,000 at least, it's like a small brain. That brain can learn, and it learns through practice. Masturbation is practice. The more you do it the better you get. I'm a frickin pro. I do mutual masturbation with my wife while we watch porn sometimes and we both get off to it. I also, on occasion, have been know to participate in the cybersexing which is readily available at Literotica. Not to everyones liking, but the perv in me likes it, and the perv in me speaks with a loud voice to the other brain, the one that doesn't think as much as the clit brain.

Try mutual masturbation while watching something that turns you on, maybe that'll help if your attitudes are such that you can do like that.