Need advice/help, BAD! From women?

[Guest]

My wife was abused as a kid, and was/is very nervous around sex. Our first few times, she was very tight, even after literally hours of foreplay. Ive known her for 10 years, together for 7, sexual for 4 or 5, and married for about 1 1/2. To this day, she is more comfortable with missionary. Maybe 1 out of every 10-20 times she is on top, and I think we've done it sitting 5 times, maybe. She doesnt usually get anything (orgasm), and I try (ever had a sore tongue?). Only times she had, she was on top. Ive never been able to try it from behind her.

We were both virgins, and neither have been with anyone else. Sex has never been a frequent thing, if it happens twice a month, its a record. Part of it is she doesnt get an orgasm, most of the time. She's mentioned trimming her hair, to make it easier for me to see and feel what Im doing. Which is fine by me. But even after mentioning it every month or so, nothing happens. Ive offered to help her trim, she wants me too, but nothing ever comes, and I dont push the issue (something you learn with depressed/abused). She sees a couselor, and physycatrist every 2 weeks, and has for the last 6 years. Quite honestly, I have no idea what the hell Im doing, intercourse or oral. I just know the girlfriend before her was very easy to "get off", just fingering. My wife used to like fingers, until about 2 or 3 years ago, then just, no. But I could never give her an orgasm. She wont give me feedback, during or after anything sexual, when I ask what she liked, or didnt like. She says she doesnt want to over anylyze it, it should just be fun and spontaneous. Well spontaneous its not, and Im a horny guy, and its lost most of its fun. Imagine humping a pillow...

At any rate, Ive never pushed sex, I only even mentioned anal sex a few months ago. I didnt want her to get really upset, but I thought she deserved to know that I was interested, but it was up to her if we ever try it.

To give you an idea the words dick, penis, cock, pussy, vagina, she just wont use, everything is "stuff".

I guess Im looking or some advice on how to get her to loosen up, and maybe try something, anything. Foreplay is getting very short, her choice. Sexy movies, (not porns, those are totally out, she thinks theyre pretty disgusting and fake), candles, incense, bath with oils, massage, just talking, nice dinner, nothing seems to work. And Ive tried everything I can come up with, and everything she's suggested multiple times, nothing.

How can I get her excited? Any tips on going down on her? Any sure fire orgasm givers (yeah right)? Im getting really burned out on trying to get her to do anything, sexual or not, and need some help, or its going to have to go to court.

 

[funwdi]

Wow!

Hey...I feel for you, man. It sounds like she needs time to heal from this. If you are determined to make it work, you need to take it slow. Use lube if you have to to help with penetration (KY jelly?) because I don't know if she's getting wet enough. If she's not, then it could be painful or at least a total turn off. Every time she lets you do anything, you need to be VERY positive...ie: "God, honey, that was incredible last night. Thank you. I love it when you let me..."

As for the whole oral thing, if your tongue is getting tired or sore, then she is probably getting tired and sore, too. Make sure that you have plenty of moisture in your mouth before starting (cotton mouth is not sexy), and pay attention to all her 2000 parts before licking her clit. Make your tongue flat when you lick her clit, and use your whole mouth. Get your face in there, okay? Take it SLOW.

Trimming her would probably turn her on, because you are paying attention to her without actually DOING anything to her pussy. Have all of the stuff ready ahead of time, entice her into bed, and put a towel under her. You might want to pose the question this way: "Honey, you mentioned that you might want to try trimming your hair, so do you mind if I pay a little attention to you tonight by doing that for you?" Compliment the results A LOT so she knows you really dig it. You don't have to touch her or do anything after, and make that clear to her.
You're gonna end up a little bit more frustrated than you are already, but if you love this woman (which it sounds like you do) you're going to be rewarded in the end. Take it SLOW and just do foreplay for a while. A back massage, a foot massage...pamper pamper.
If this doesn't work or you've tried all this, then there ARE sex therapists that you can try.
That's all I can suggest. Abuse cases are very hard, and many get over the bad spots in their lives, but there are a few that don't. I wish you all the best.

 

[Tangie]

woman's perspective

So much to cover...let's see...

My initial reaction to your post is that you might be trying too hard. Some woman think that asking first is sweet and thoughtful but it always made me feel awkward. You need to talk about things, of course, especially when you've got the urge for things like anal sex. But if you know she's okay with a certain move, like the trimming, she may just be waiting for you to make the first move.

If you want to just trim, scissors work well but buy a new set for the occasion. Dull blades don't cut well and that can result in pulling. If she ever decides to go bare, I suggest investing in an electric razor with a pop-up trimmer.

I like funwdi's KY suggestion. You may want to try some of the flavored lubes too, that way you can use them when you're going down on her. I also agree with his suggestion to vocalize about your happiness and pleasure. Like, when you're trimming her say something like "wow, you're pussy is so pink and pretty". It may throw her off guard at first but she may start to value that part of herself more with your reinforcement.

Back off on the anal idea until regular sex is comfortable for her. Her comfort and pleasure needs to be a key part of your love making right now...pressure about new experiences like that will just turn her off more.

What about a vibrator? A friend of mine was having a hard time enjoying sex as much as her husband because she wasn't getting off most of the time. After they got a vibrator, he'd use it on her as part of foreplay and she'd get her jollies every time! You never know, it might work.

 

[MissTaken]

Is she frustrated with her sex life? To add to the good advice given by funwdi, I would also consider having her see a doctor. Perhaps she suffered physical damage as a result of the abuse.

From personal experience, I didn't find out what an orgasm was until I had been sexually active a few years. I finally met someone who paid never ending attention to my clit. He spent hours touching and licking it.

Perhaps she would be willing to let you talk with her therapist. The therapist might be able to shed some light on what the issues are.

You could also find some of the older threads on her concering to how to give oral and what makes women orgasm.

Does she masturbate? If she does, she may be able to tell you better what she needs or wants.

In terms of helping her to open up concerning her sexuality, perhaps she would like to get involved at lit, even just reading. A very open community where nothing is really "dirty."

I empathize and hope that it works out for you. Good Luck.

 

[P. B. Walker]

I really like MissTaken's suggestion about talking to her therapist... I was going to suggested that myself but saw that MissTaken had already. That's something I would definitely do. Sex starts in the mind. It really sounds like your wife does not have it in her mind at all... and no matter what kind of extra efforts you go to, until she does have it in her mind, none of your efforts are going to work. You may very well need to get involved in some form of dual therapy or couples therapy. I really do not think this is a sex problem... more of a mental thing. Just my two cents...

In the meantime, I think a little lube and maybe an egg style vibrator (a big fat cock style vibrator might scare her off or give her negative feelings) would be a very good idea. The egg can help you out while you are doing foreplay... don't start with it right on her clit... work up to it... work up to gently rolling it around her clitoris while you finger her or lick her or suck gently on her nipples. The egg will also work just inside her pussy. And on her nipples. Feel free to explore with it. I seriously doubt this will get her to orgasm but it will hopefully be more pleasurable for her.

Best of luck to my friend. I was in the same situation once (but not quite as bad, she could orgasm but only thru oral and after orgasm for her... all sexual contact stopped for the night) with a past girlfriend. I drove myself crazy thinking of new things to try. Eventually, I got depressed and gave up. The whole relationship pretty much died at that point. After several more months of basically a non-relationship she dumped me. It was a pretty amiable breakup since we both knew it was going no place. I continued on as her friend. Eventually (about a year I think) she changed and began enjoying sex. She had started therapy while we were dating. I'm happy to report that today she is happily married (about 4 years now) and has her first child on the way). So, yes, there can be a happy ending.

- PBW

 

[KillerMuffin]

We're dealing with a different animal here, guys. We're dealing with a sexual trauma survivor.

You know how you smell a certain something or you hear a certain song you're almost forcibly reminded of something that happened in your past? These are called "triggers" because the trigger a strong memory that's linked with these sights, smells, and sounds.

A sexual trauma survivor has "triggers," too. And they're sexual triggers.

A man's fingers touched her pussy and it was traumatic. When another person touches her pussy, it's going to bring back those traumatic memories and there is nothing anyone can do to make her enjoy sex.

How can you turn her on and make her orgasm? That has aboslutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the guilt she's got wrapped up inside of herself. You see, a long time ago, when she was sexually abused, it probably felt good, just a little. There is an incredible amount of guilt associated with that tiny feeling because it's bad, she didn't want it, but it felt good and maybe there was an involuntary reaction or maybe he kept telling her how much she liked it because her body got wet, or did this, so therefore it's her fault.

Sexual pleasure can be a "trigger" for bad memories.

I would skip the manuals, the videos, and asking for help. You aren't doing anything wrong phsycially. You are performing wonderfully, in fact, because of how much you care about not just her, but her state of mind. Skip the sex how-tos and talk to her. See if perhaps joint visits to her psychiatrist for counseling might help a little. That way she has a "safe" place to tell you how she feels. The psychiatrist will have a lot more insight into how to mend the relationship, even the sexual side. Either that or the shrink will know where to send the two of you for that purpose.

DO NOT try anything new sexually without talking to her. In fact, talk to her about sex in a place where sex has never happened to her before, that way you develop an entirely new set of memories around sex for her. Depending on how bad the abuse was, and how deeply traumatized she was, she may never orgasm.

You are also putting pressure on her by expecting an orgasm, even if you only want what's best. Don't press for one. Instead use physical intimacy to promote emotional intimacy. Don't try to make her cum because when she doesn't it'll make her feel like a failure and kill her self-esteem. Women can enjoy sex without orgasm. Additionally, you don't have much idea how interwined orgasm is with her abuse.

A point that few people never understand is that orgasm is a complete loss of sexual control. Abused men and women had that sexual control ripped away from them and they are reluctant to lose that control when they're older and found a measure of control. She's something of a control freak, isn't she?

Give her a massage. Be naked with her and tell her how much you love her, how special she is, how wonderful she is, how incredibly fabulous you think she is. Touch her all over and avoid the breasts and genitals. Don't try to force an orgasm. Don't try to make her have one. Ask her what she liked and what she didn't like. Do what she liked again. Have sex, orgasm yourself, and then cuddle with her afterward and talk. Not about sex necessarily, but about how you feel. Get her comfortable with the idea that sex isn't just physical it's emotional intimacy.