Need advice from experienced doms & subs

[Sub_Nerd]

I have been a longtime reader of erotic stories here on Literotica. Recently, I realized that the majority of stories I tend to prefer are ones where the female character doesn't have control and the male is dominant. It occurred to me that I may be submissive. I have been doing research and reading erotic books regarding the d/s lifestyle. I have spoken with my husband about this and he has been doing research as well. My husband leans toward dominance.

We would like to explore this more and get training. I would like to find a way for my husband to be trained to be my dom.

There are financial restraints and time restraints. Can someone make any suggestions or recommendations, please? Thank you.

 

[seela]

I have been a longtime reader of erotic stories here on Literotica. Recently, I realized that the majority of stories I tend to prefer are ones where the female character doesn't have control and the male is dominant. It occurred to me that I may be submissive. I have been doing research and reading erotic books regarding the d/s lifestyle. I have spoken with my husband about this and he has been doing research as well. My husband leans toward dominance.

We would like to explore this more and get training. I would like to find a way for my husband to be trained to be my dom.

There are financial restraints and time restraints. Can someone make any suggestions or recommendations, please? Thank you.

There is no One True Way to do bdsm and there is no official training to become a D or an s. Every relationship is different and it's what the people in it make it to be. It is a good thing to remember, however, that BDSM erotica is just that, erotica. Reality is often very different.

I suggest you two sit down and talk about what it is that you want from your relationship. What does D/s look to you? What does it look like to him? Is it a bedroom only thing or something else? What are things you'd absolutely want to experience and what are things you absolutely don't want to experience? It's probably best if you think about these things separately at first and then get together to have a more thorough conversation.

You can use a BDSM Checklist as a tool to talk about the sexual side of things if you so wish. There are plenty of them online, if you just do a search.

Before jumping into the deeper end of the pool, so to say, learn a lot about how to do things safely. If you're into bondage, for example, learn about how to do that safely and what are the warning signs you should be ready to notice. There are lots of books and websites dedicated to safety, I'm sure someone will come along shortly to give some titles you could take a look at.

You can also do a search to see if you have a BDSM group nearby. They usually organize munches (a very low key meeting in a restaurant/cafe to get to know people in a non-kink setting), parties and different kinds of classes. There you could learn about bondage, needle play, flogging etc. as well as get to know people if that's what you wish.

This post by Stella Omega is a good read for all BDSM newbies and not so newbies too. This thread will show you that there are very many ways to do BDSM, so you definitely shouldn't worry about doing things "the right way", rather do things in a way that feels right to you.

And welcome to Lit!

 

[Bandicoot007]

There is no One True Way to do bdsm and there is no official training to become a D or an s. Every relationship is different and it's what the people in it make it to be. It is a good thing to remember, however, that BDSM erotica is just that, erotica. Reality is often very different.

I suggest you two sit down and talk about what it is that you want from your relationship. What does D/s look to you? What does it look like to him? Is it a bedroom only thing or something else? What are things you'd absolutely want to experience and what are things you absolutely don't want to experience? It's probably best if you think about these things separately at first and then get together to have a more thorough conversation.

You can use a BDSM Checklist as a tool to talk about the sexual side of things if you so wish. There are plenty of them online, if you just do a search.

Before jumping into the deeper end of the pool, so to say, learn a lot about how to do things safely. If you're into bondage, for example, learn about how to do that safely and what are the warning signs you should be ready to notice. There are lots of books and websites dedicated to safety, I'm sure someone will come along shortly to give some titles you could take a look at.

You can also do a search to see if you have a BDSM group nearby. They usually organize munches (a very low key meeting in a restaurant/cafe to get to know people in a non-kink setting), parties and different kinds of classes. There you could learn about bondage, needle play, flogging etc. as well as get to know people if that's what you wish.

This post by Stella Omega is a good read for all BDSM newbies and not so newbies too. This thread will show you that there are very many ways to do BDSM, so you definitely shouldn't worry about doing things "the right way", rather do things in a way that feels right to you.

And welcome to Lit!

EXCELLENT advice seela. As a person in the lifestyle now for about 5 years the one thing I've learned is that I never stop learning. Look for locals amd local events such as muches. Like stated above they are low key and almost always held somewhere public/semipublic. I haven't been to one yet that doesn't welcome newbies into the fold. Not sure of your location but look into fetlife (fetlife.com) it's a basically a kinky Facebook lol. There will be events and groups for your area. Good luck, and welcome to lit and to the lifestyle.

 

[CutieMouse]

When you say you may be submissive - what exactly does that mean? What does it look like? When you say he leans towards dominance, what does that mean, and what does that look like? And more importantly - do you both agree on what submission is/looks like, and what dominance is/looks like?*

I do not run the show in my relationships. Thus, generic submissive label. But my partners (thus far) haven't needed "training" to know how to ask me to make their coffee in the morning, or keep things in the house I know will please them, or utilize my resourceful little ass (I made a funny!) to make their lives more comfortable.

Having said that, yes, there are some things under the BDSM umbrella that might have a bit of a learning curve to them (bondage, whips, certain sexual acts, edge play, etc)... but *for me, personally* that's SM, not dominance and submission.

I don't really need my partner to be particularly "trained" in jack. I look for well rounded, compatible, intelligent, yummy men who's sexual interests complement my own. However... I'm not particularly into bondage, or whips (although belts are really really nice), or stuff that requires a "toy bag" full of implements [to complicate my sex life]. There's one or two things I enjoy sexually that require a bit of knowledge and a healthy dose of common sense, but generally we just talk about those handful of things and if we want to move forward, I may send them the research/resources I have on the subject. If I don't trust them to do XYZ... XYZ doesn't happen. If that changes... odds are good it will happen. No training necessary.

So, when you say he needs "training"... what does that mean? What do you think that will entail? How will that make him, someone you already love and respect (I presume, because marriage), who already "leans towards dominance" a safer, more capable, more responsible dominant figure in your life?

* I should also probably point out that one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe, is people who expect someone they want to see as a dominant force in their lives, making it more complicated than it is. Often influenced by erotica, or movies, or magical woowoo land where dude is somehow "on" 24/7, instantly experienced/infallible, and giving the guy space to work through this "WTF, you means wanting to do _____ to a willing partner is OKAY?!?!" somehow makes him the opposite of dominant.

You are interested in submitting; he is interested in dominance. Give the man what he wants [control in XYZ ways]. In return, he gives you what you want [submission in XYZ ways]. No training necessary, nary a penny spent.

 

[Tech_Director]

I WAS going to weigh in on this.

However, both Seela and Cutiemouse have more than answered your request, I believe.

As for your concern about time constraints and financial constraints, those should not be a concern at all. The idea behind your involvement is to enjoy it together WHEN you have time together. It shouldn't be something like "putting out the recycling on Tuesdays" so, let's have "D/s night every Sunday evening."

In regards to financial? Err...there's no such thing as a Basic, Intermediate or Expert BDSM kit that you can pick up at Walmart, although I betcha if someone came up with one they'd sell like hotcakes right about now. Seriously though, enjoy exploring this area TOGETHER and do take things slow. If you venture into the BDSM area of pain, remember that it only takes a SPLIT SECOND to have a catastrophic failure, so go slow, go safe, and please be sane about things.

Hmmm....guess I did weigh in after all. SORRY.

 

[Sub_Nerd]

Thanks

Thank you all for your advice. This is a whole new arena for us. My husband contacted some doms and subs and they wanted money for training or something. I guess we'll keep researching and talking.

 

[txguy123]

PM me. I would like to chat. Your PM seems to be turned off

I have been a longtime reader of erotic stories here on Literotica. Recently, I realized that the majority of stories I tend to prefer are ones where the female character doesn't have control and the male is dominant. It occurred to me that I may be submissive. I have been doing research and reading erotic books regarding the d/s lifestyle. I have spoken with my husband about this and he has been doing research as well. My husband leans toward dominance.

We would like to explore this more and get training. I would like to find a way for my husband to be trained to be my dom.

There are financial restraints and time restraints. Can someone make any suggestions or recommendations, please? Thank you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you all for your advice. This is a whole new arena for us. My husband contacted some doms and subs and they wanted money for training or something. I guess we'll keep researching and talking.

It sounds like he ended up with spambots or porn websites as his educational tools.

Again - it depends on what you want to learn. Do you want to do rope suspension? Yep - spend the $$$ on a class. Do you want to get really good at oral sex? Easy to research (for free). Do you approach this from a kink / sex perspective, and want to learn how various fetishes work, go to conferences, take classes, etc? That might require a bit of planning/budgeting. Do y'all look at D/s as a head of household/more "traditional" relationship dynamic? That doesn't cost anything more than honest, open communication (ok, maybe a bit of time with a kink friendly therapist)...

Ask questions here. You have decades of experience at your fingertips. Join FetLife. Look for local groups and/or boards to ask questions. Do a search on Amazon for D/s (non-erotica) books, and read/discuss them together. Do all the healthy relationship stuff you'd normally do, but with a bit of sexual tension.

 

[MeekMe]

PM me. I would like to chat. Your PM seems to be turned off

Why can't you post here in the forum? I'm sure others could really benefit from your input.

 

[MeekMe]

Sub_Nerd, beware of anyone offering to be your "mentor" or offering to train you. That's usually a sign that they're looking to use you and get easy cyber sex out of you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[CutieMouse]

PM me. I would like to chat. Your PM seems to be turned off

Why can't you post here in the forum? I'm sure others could really benefit from your input.

But ser, if it's all open and public and stuff, it's harder to convince the wonan that the best way to learn how to make her husband the dominant of her dreams, is to submit to him (Txwhomeverheis), because then she can use THAT to tell her husband what to do!

Training!

Which ever so subtly undermines her relationship, sets her husband up to fail, and creates all sorts of confusing feels! Because, dom! Or horny net geek... Or something.

(OP- I'd suggest keeping the PMs turned off for a while... There are some ugly coyotes online, itching to take advantage of your situation, and get a bit of free cyber-kink/sex.)

 

[txguy123]

Ha. Yes. Exaxtly what I wanted "rolls eyes". Lots of good info here. Good luck with what your looking for. Hope it all goes well.

But ser, if it's all open and public and stuff, it's harder to convince the wonan that the best way to learn how to make her husband the dominant of her dreams, is to submit to him (Txwhomeverheis), because then she can use THAT to tell her husband what to do!

Training!

Which ever so subtly undermines her relationship, sets her husband up to fail, and creates all sorts of confusing feels! Because, dom! Or horny net geek... Or something.

(OP- I'd suggest keeping the PMs turned off for a while... There are some ugly coyotes online, itching to take advantage of your situation, and get a bit of free cyber-kink/sex.)

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Sub Nerd,
I am just exploring and experimenting myself. I find being honest with my Dom and telling him exactly what I like helps. Keeping the lines of communication open is important. Also finding out what he likes and what he want's from sex is important to me too.

I find it's all about give and take. It can't be all one sided.

I am going to talk about bondage with him soon, but for now the things we do are a turn on and excite me.

Sam xx