Need a second opinion.

[Liar]

Too much? Too cliché?

(will add punctuation and stuff later)


set

some liquid you were
butter in hands
wrapped around digits so delicate
showcase of brands
extravagant all-you-can-eat buffet

ribs honey greased
glazed golden by
unmentionable spices
salt of the earth
squeezed and sucked
out of every spot still unsavored

hot pepper hidden beneath
irresistible meat
smoked, sautered
beaten tender
hung strung tied treated
sampled for perfection

ripe blossom growth
steamed just right
to a glittering sheen

creamy dessert
sweet strawberry mint overdose
bubblegum milk champagne
everything, everything

spread overflowing
on a triumphant table
full abandonless display
an invite to feast
with every sense
on a multitude
of deadly sins

some serving, such a scandalous offer

 

[impressive]

I don't get the title.

 

[WickedEve]

First, I'm going to say that I'm a kind person, who tries to always be tactful. But... you've written so much better. If this is erotic, then I'm sorry for laughing. And butter can't wrap around fingers. I know you have many readers who adore you and they will praise you for this. And I'm on a freakin' diet, so I'm just feeling all bitchy about food. Maybe that's it.

And this phrase is not a turn on: "all-you-can-eat buffet" Have you the seen the people who frequent those buffets?

Though, if this is meant to be fun erotica, then it's fine.

And what about this? "hot pepper hidden beneath irresistible meat" There's nothing erotic about meat.

Keep this: "sweet strawberry mint overdose"

And please forgive my harshness.

 

[WickedEve]

Okay, I had a cup of tea and cracker. I thought about this poem. I think it's too much in some ways. There are good lines in it. This poem needs to be diluted with some less foody lines.

And I may have been wrong about my butter comment. I'm still thinking about it.

 

[sandspike]

I'll be there at seven

I'll be there at seven, save me some. I'd call the poem 'Table Setting'. Never
thought I would say this: Rework the rhyme out of the first verse. It makes
it sound like a snack and this is a feast. 'all-you-can-eat-buffet' works for me;
since you're talking deadly sins. I found it very oral and erotic. You have to do
something once the bubblegum has been blown and the champagne popped.
This reminds me of an old Embers song with this line:'jump all over me, set my body free, use me up, love me out'.

 

[Angeline]

Too much? Too cliché?

(will add punctuation and stuff later)


set

some liquid you were
butter in hands
wrapped around digits so delicate
showcase of brands
extravagant all-you-can-eat buffet

ribs honey greased
glazed golden by
unmentionable spices
salt of the earth
squeezed and sucked
out of every spot still unsavored

hot pepper hidden beneath
irresistible meat
smoked, sautered
beaten tender
hung strung tied treated
sampled for perfection

ripe blossom growth
steamed just right
to a glittering sheen

creamy dessert
sweet strawberry mint overdose
bubblegum milk champagne
everything, everything

spread overflowing
on a triumphant table
full abandonless display
an invite to feast
with every sense
on a multitude
of deadly sins

some serving, such a scandalous offer

I like it. I think the food metaphor overdose is saved by "everything, everything," which puts a perspective on the writer's obsession--well it did for me. I do agree with Eve's comment about the butter. You could say "slid" or something like that for "wrapped," and I don't get "still unsavored." "once unsavored" makes more sense to me.

But then I'm not on a diet at the moment.

 

[impressive]

There's nothing erotic about meat.

I beg to differ.

Gimme rare steak -- juices running down my chin.

 

[Liar]

I don't get the title.

Set is what the table is


or something. I didn't give it much thought.

 

[Liar]

Thanks for the replys, folks. I see what you're saying, Eve. I was aiming for a total extreme gluttony hullaballoo, but maybe I need to think it through to make it work.

The butter/finger issue was another thing I didn't see. It's a gramattical error on my part, supposed to attach to the "you" and not the "butter".

sandskpike: I have a rhyme? Whee. Didn't even notice it myself.

I'll chew on it for a while and see if I can make it work.


thnx
#L

 

[Honey123]

Too much? Too cliché?

(will add punctuation and stuff later)


set

some liquid you were
butter in hands
wrapped around digits so delicate
showcase of brands
extravagant all-you-can-eat buffet

ribs honey greased
glazed golden by
unmentionable spices
salt of the earth
squeezed and sucked
out of every spot still unsavored

hot pepper hidden beneath
irresistible meat
smoked, sautered
beaten tender
hung strung tied treated
sampled for perfection

ripe blossom growth
steamed just right
to a glittering sheen

creamy dessert
sweet strawberry mint overdose
bubblegum milk champagne
everything, everything

spread overflowing
on a triumphant table
full abandonless display
an invite to feast
with every sense
on a multitude
of deadly sins

some serving, such a scandalous offer

Might just be me but I found this poem to be quite sensual.

I chose to look at it in a different way. A man looking and wanting a woamn..what he saw and wanted of her -- delicious way of wanted to have sex with someone....

Makes me very hungry

 

[trendyredhead]

I had a hard time with it. But I'm not one to mix a place like Ponderosa with sex.

Two things I really struggled with:

I'm not sure "sautered" is a word. There's saunter or soldered, but not sautered....

Why would spices be unmentionable? They could be secret, perhaps, or exotic or foreign, maybe. But unmentionable?

Just my 2cents.

 

[Tathagata]

There's nothing erotic about meat.

Who are you and what have you done with Eve??

 

[Angeline]

Who are you and what have you done with Eve??

It's her evil twin, VanillaEve.

 

[Tathagata]

It's her evil twin, VanillaEve.

Now I keep picturing her with a soft serve hairdo

 

[*Catbabe*]

Now I keep picturing her with a soft serve hairdo

I think that would make her Ace Ventura Eve.