Navigating a shared bed during separation

[Bigboobbabe]

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

 

[Paul_Chance]

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

Speaking personally, I don't give up the bed. It's just a bed. It's just sleep. A lot depends on the state of the relationship (are you still friends), ownership of the space (who owns the space, who is moving out).

I've been through multiple separations and they've all had their own flavors. Some were due to hard feelings (in which case one moved out or moved into the spare room or onto the couch), some were amiable, even friendly (in which case the bed was shared until the final farewell).

As long as the fooling around is mutually agreed on, then have at it. Sex drives continue to drive us. There are good things to be said about anger sex.

 

[EmpressV]

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

I moved into the spare bedroom. Legally, you may have issues proving you were really separated if you remain under one roof, and some states in the US regard having sex together as further proof of that. Very difficult to say "irreconcilable differences" if you're still fucking like bunnies.

If you haven't already, consult a lawyer. First session is often free.

Best wishes to you - the road now may be rocky and dark, but it will get better.

 

[AloneTooLong]

two time divorcee; first time I moved out (along with the kids)leaving him in the house with the mortgage; second time we were renting, we stayed in same house while talking divorce. One night he became violent and I moved out the next day while he was at work; moved ALL my belonging during the day (with lots of help), sent the kids to my parents house for the summer; I couch surfed for three months until I could acquire permanent living space for me and the kids.

Depending on the circumstance I would NOT have sex with the other person, and, if possible, would not remain in the same household. Neither time was easy but it was the right thing to do for my sanity and safety of me and the kids.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

In most states even if you are legally separated, having sex with your almost ex-spouse is something the courts call reconciliation, which usually means you're no longer legally separated.

I would suggest separate bedrooms and no sex, if you are really headed for divorce.

 

[LesPatterson]

i prefer separate bedrooms. i cum and go whenever i like, toys is the new norm.
i aint moving out of my house and she cant afford to pay the bills.

 

[dannyboy1958]

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

no easy answer as a lot depends on the circumstances, if kids are involved, think long and hard it can do so much damage. Personally i had a period of about 1 week where we agreed to separate but still shared a bed, i wanted to separate she didnt and every night shed get close, start touching etc, but it was too much too late, for us. In some cases it might be the little spark you need, thinking about being alone or with others, can be exiting, but in the cold light of day, it bloody well hurts, a lot - but as i said it really depends on the circumstances of the split and if theres a glimmer of hope in any reconcillation. - Good luck

 

[Scareltt]

Good or Bad?

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

Is this a good separation? You ask what’s the protocol for fooling around? Do you mean with other people?

 

[EmpressV]

I do recommend The Sweet Potato Queens Wedding Planner and Divorce Guide. Very funny (particularly if you're from the American south), with quite a bit of practical advice and wisdom.

 

[juttjaw]

As long as there are two agreeable parties, saying they want a separation, the court could careless about what you two do in private. It's only when a person gets nasty and tries to screw the other over when that shit gets brought up. This isn't the 1730 puritan colonies. Judges have better things to do than meddle in your personal life.

If it's not amicable? Get out or get away. There are always places to go if shit gets bad. Staying in an abusive home, because of money, doesn't and shouldn't have to happen. There is help out there if you need it. Good luck.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

As long as there are two agreeable parties, saying they want a separation, the court could careless about what you two do in private. It's only when a person gets nasty and tries to screw the other over when that shit gets brought up. This isn't the 1730 puritan colonies. Judges have better things to do than meddle in your personal life.

If it's not amicable? Get out or get away. There are always places to go if shit gets bad. Staying in an abusive home, because of money, doesn't and shouldn't have to happen. There is help out there if you need it. Good luck.

Wanna a bet? Either spouse could get the other to engage in sex, then have their lawyer submit papers to the court that state that reconciliation had been reached. Now you have to file all over again. Best to separate totally.

 

[jehoram]

Hi all. Hubby and I are separating. Until Nov 16, I will still be living in our shared home.
How did you handle that? Shared bed? Separate rooms? What is the protocol about fooling around together?

I'd think that the separation clock wouldn't start until you move out of the house and establish a residence elsewhere.

But, like all legal issues like this, the laws vary so much from state to state, and country to country, that you really need to ask a lawyer who's accredited in your area. He or she can give you better answers than this forum can.

If you're strapped for cash, try Legal Aid. They might not be willing to represent you in court, but in most cases, you don't need a lawyer to actually file for the divorce, if that's where this road is heading.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.

I have purchased an ottoman/bed for my home,office so I can use it as a bedroom.

I refuse to leave until all of my necessities and special items are packed because hubby told me the minute I move out, locks get changed and I would need to coordinate getting in to pack or access my home office and business equipment.

 

[CuttingEdge]

In regards to sex, it is kind of spelled out in the word: separation.

I am not trying to be a jerk, but sometimes in the emotion of separation, it is easy to get lost in the banter.

You do not have to leave the house, and don't until you are forced to. My wife slept next to her ex-husband for several months with a body pillow making the separation.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

In regards to sex, it is kind of spelled out in the word: separation.

I am not trying to be a jerk, but sometimes in the emotion of separation, it is easy to get lost in the banter.

You do not have to leave the house, and don't until you are forced to. My wife slept next to her ex-husband for several months with a body pillow making the separation.

Thank you for your honesty. I have a home office for a business we own. The office will be my private oasis in the next few days.

 

[Salacious_Scribe]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.

I have purchased an ottoman/bed for my home,office so I can use it as a bedroom.

I refuse to leave until all of my necessities and special items are packed because hubby told me the minute I move out, locks get changed and I would need to coordinate getting in to pack or access my home office and business equipment.

I can only speal for the state I live in, but that may not be legal. If you own jointly he can not legally deny you access to the home. If you rent and your name is on the lease same issue.

If only one name is on the lease then you have to get a court order to force the other person out and privide adequate time for them to secure a new residence and pack their belongings, generally 30-45 days.

A friend kicked her 25 year old son out when he tried to steal her perscription meds. He came back with a cop. The cop told my friend that since he has lived in this house his whole life, it is his legal residence. Even though he never paid rent, she must go through the eviction process. She had him arrestedd for the illegal drugs he had stashed in his room. Dude got 5 years for possession with intent.

 

[Jada59]

My marriage was over before it began. As soon as we turned our backs to the altar, he said he made a mistake. Then he turned his back on me. But... He wouldn't let me out of the marriage.

I tried to make it work. We only had sex three times while married. I got pregnant the third time.

I moved to the spare room early in the pregnancy as he kept ramming his knees into my stomach in bed. I don't think it was on purpose. But...

That was the last time we slept together. If we went to a hotel, he took one bed. My daughter and I took the other.

We bought this house because of the design. It had been remodeled so could pretty much be divided in half. We did have to share the kitchen, dining room and laundry room.

But by the time he finally filed for divorce, 22 years into it, he hated me so much that he would not be in those rooms when I was. I don't hate, but I won't be around an abusive person so I stayed away from him.

 

[jehoram]

But by the time he finally filed for divorce, 22 years into it, he hated me so much that he would not be in those rooms when I was. I don't hate, but I won't be around an abusive person so I stayed away from him.

Good for you!

I hope your daughter wasn't too damaged by this arrangement. In my experience, women who choose abusive husbands usually come from families with abusive fathers. I have the greatest respect for daughters that overcome this, and for the mothers who helped them.

 

[davion2308]

It all depends

Every separation is different and it really depends on the rules the two of you set down for each other. For example, your emotional ability to have the other person sleeping next to you may decide the bed issue well before you two sit down and talk about it. Same goes for sex, how you communicate, how you pay the last bills that are together, and so on.

It's not what I went through, it's not what my friends went through, and your relationship will determine how you take the next steps as you two split up.