my X-Men Evolution stories

[Phoenix646]

True these are old, but I figure I can try and milk every last drop of feedback out of them i can...

the stories are based of off a cartoon X-Men Evolution, even if you haven't seen the cartoon I'd say I do a pretty good job explaining all of the little things that you need to follow the story

Ch1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50441

Ch2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73669

Ch3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103464


Thanks in advance for any feedback...

 

[bbkradwell]

I'm a fan...

I've been reading the X-Men since the mid 70's! (I realize this says more about how old I really am than perhaps I want to tell you...) I have even watched the shows, all the incarnations of Professor X's students, as well.
I write these things so you'll realize that I know the characters.
Now, that being said, I will tell you that, so far, after just reading the first chapter, I like it.
There are a few, minor problems with the writing: It's important to always remember the tense in which your story is intended! I cannot stress this enough to new writers.
For instance: "The southern belle replied as she finally gained enough energy to sit herself down on the bed. She just stared at her hands in amazement and then her eyes start to water up. Kitty instinctively lowered herself down and gave Rogue a hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek."
"STARTED to water up."
These little things really upset the flow of the story!
You are not the first to do this, nor will you be the last.
Another thing, slang, like, "Once the bell rang, Rogue quickly backed up her stuff and practically ran out of the classroom.
Of course, "backed up her stuff" means gathered up her things. But they would never use such vernacular in the comic books. Please, if you're going to write already established characters, at least try to use the same grammar!
I apologize for nit-picking. I really DO like the story. It would be better, however, if these little, piddly details weren't so prevalent.

 

[Phoenix646]

If you've only read the first chapter, please read on. That was my first story I've ever written and I think it shows... #2 and 3 are much better.


So besides the grammar errors, could you also tell me what you liked about the story?

And also, would you be interested in editing my stories, it seems you have an eye for those things?

 

[bbkradwell]

Count ME in on that one, too...

I would be honored to help you out in any way I could! I DO have a love for the characters. And a love for Erotica. I also love assisting new writers: helping them find their literary voice, so to speak.
Now, with that being said, I'll read the other chapters when time permits.
You asked what I liked about the story: You obviously have a love for the characters, yourself. And that respect only makes the stories that much better. If you didn't care about them, it would show.

 

[Scarlet Kai]

Nothing really useful to say besides I really enjoyed the story... Jean and Scott suprised me but I can see how they would act that way in certain situations

Thanks and I hope to read more someday

 

[Phoenix646]

Nothing really useful to say besides I really enjoyed the story... Jean and Scott suprised me but I can see how they would act that way in certain situations

Thanks and I hope to read more someday

What surprised you the most about Jean and Scott?

 

[Scarlet Kai]

Well in the Evolution series Jean seems to be very submissive, and doesn't take initiative unless put in harms way. It just was surprising that she was the initiator.

I honestly can’t remember what surprised me about Scott though.

 

[Phoenix646]

Well in the Evolution series Jean seems to be very submissive, and doesn't take initiative unless put in harms way. It just was surprising that she was the initiator.

I honestly can’t remember what surprised me about Scott though.

We'll in Ch 4 I'm gonna try and do a little explaining of Rogue's hook up with Jean and Kitties hook up with Colossus.... and now that you mention it I think I'll explaing why Jean is taking the initiative... just wish I knew how to finish this coming chapter off...

 

[MagmaX]

I didnt think I would enjoy a child hood cartoon/comic changed around so much but this is really good.

I remeber the old days (way before evolution) and they had Wolverine in his yellow spandex, rouge was in tight green...ahh ya.

These stories are good keep it up.

 

[bbkradwell]

Rogue in her greens?

Oh my Lord! Rogue, as drawn by Jim Lee, was one of the hottest babes in comics, EVER!!!
Look at Uncanny X-Men # 294 (I think) and try not to get an erection!!!
Mmmmmmm, is she sweet!

 

[Phoenix646]

dont count Evolution's Rogue out...

 

[MagmaX]

dam now that is a good pic were did you find those

 

[Phoenix646]

last October or so a guy contacted me through my stories, he's the artist of that pic... and actually many many more. I've actually got him working on an actual comic of my stories...


most of his work is at this group, in the Files section under VP's stuff

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/XGirlsEvolution/

 

[MagmaX]

Cool thanks, and I wanna hear some more of these stories!!

Maybe one about Kitty

 

[Phoenix646]

you did read chapter 3 right? Cause Kitty gets the main sex scene in that one...

But I'm not quite sure how to end my fourth chapter, it's kinda hard when the three main girls (Rogue, Jean, and Kitty) won't be involved in an ending sex scene.....

i dont want Rogue to get any this chapter, so that way I can really
play up her loniness in the next chapter....

Kitty and Colossus are one of those couples that just seems right to me, so it feels weird putting her with someone else... and to have them hook up again and so soon would be redundant...

The other 'should be together couple' Jean and Scott will be doing a little stuff, but it'll only be a side thing and not the climax...

so yeah, im quite stuck on what to do....Any suggestions? and try and keep in mind it would be hard to introduce one of the other girls and
get her fucked that quickly

 

[MagmaX]

what about MYSTIQUE or STORM.

 

[bbkradwell]

IDEAS...

Use Wolverine!!! You could have the little berserker go after any/all of the X-babes!!! That'd be wild! I can just imagine what he'd do with/for/to the lovely, young women at Xaviers!
Write me a PM if you need any ideas... I've got a few!