My wife is a sub, what do i do?

[calaman012]

While it has taken a while to see this I've come to conclude that my wife is very submissive. In ordinary life she is quite successful, good mother and all, but in our relationship she has a very deep submissive streak. Her dreams are often about being controlled or abused in some way, she enjoys rough sex to a degree, and gets very hot when reading Ann Rice's Beauty series.

So my problem is this - how do i bring this out in the bedroom. I don't want to abuse her or force her into something she doesn't want, but I really think that being dominated is something she wants. How do I get started? I've surfed plenty of porn, but it doesn't seem realistic enough to do what they in our bedroom.

Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Firstly, welcome to Lit, and bless you for knowing porn isn't a very good resource for something like this.

Sit down and talk to her- your definition of submissive and her definition of submissive might not match up, and being on the same page is kinda helpful. Once you've decided if this is somehting you are BOTH interested in, I'd suggest ordering in pizza, opening a decent bottle of wine, and going over some checklists/spending a relaxed evening discussing fantasies, etc. That should give you a starting point for small things you can incorporate into the bedroom/daily life/etc, and you can go from there.

I'm all about the research, so I have to include books/links.

These books might be helpful (all available through Amazon.com or greenerypress.com):

When Someone You Love is Kinky

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

The BDSM Library pinned to the top of the forum is broken down by subject, and has some great threads.

A variety of Checklists:

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/b...-checklist.html
http://smvillage.com/Modules/checklist2/default.asp
http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html
http://members.aol.com/MasterNik/BDSMCheckList.html
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

Please do feel welcome to start threads, join discussions, ask questions, or think out loud here... overall, it's a very friendly place.

 

[catalina_francisco]

CM gave very good advice. Talking is the first step. Even though she may secretly hope for such things, to just spring it on her may seem abusive and could land you in a very sticky mess. You need to find out in what ways she might enjoy being sexually dominated, establish some ground rules such as safe words etc., and also talk about what appeals to you. There is not a lot of success in doing something to please a partner if that is the only reason....they usually see you are not enjoying it yourself in particular and that often leads to frustration and sometimes guilt.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_df3eed5e30_t.jpg Catalina

 

[Literotti]

Re: I think my wife is a sub.

First of all, do you think that you are a dom? You didn't say. There are a couple of avenues of approach that I don't believe anyone else has mentioned. You can find a kink-aware therapist in a city that is close to you. They can help you start a dialog with her. Also, try to find a munch group that is local to you. Munches are where kinky people get together in a public place and just chat. Maybe you can make friends with other couples who have, no doubt, dealt with the same issues. Good luck to you both.

 

[liberatedslave]

I'd guess that your intuition is correct, especially if she's shared dreams about control with you. It may be that she's waiting for you to take the initiative but I really don't think you can be sure of that. It sounds as though she'd be open to a discussion about her fantasies and I agree with CM that it's the best place to start.

Some subs feel that spelling out what they want defeats the whole point when what they really want is to submit to you - i.e. for you to do what you want. This can leave inexperienced kinskters at something of a stalemate.

Rather than sit her down and ask her what she wants, a less confrontational approach might be to talk about times when you've had rough sex or when you've been more controlling. Ask her what she enjoyed most about those encounters and then draw her out on what else she might enjoy.

As catalina said, the fact that your wife is sub does not make it encumbent upon you to become dominant. If this isn't something that you'd enjoy for yourself then doing it 'for her' won't work, she'll know if she's the only one being served by your newfound dominance and that'll leave her feeling guilty and far from submissive.

I hope it all goes well for you both.

 

[Ice2000]

First of all, do you think that you are a dom?

If the answer to this is NO. "Then do not pass go, do not collect $200"


To my surprise.. for the reasons catalina stated.


Nothing worse than having a partner trying to go along to get along.

 

[missofdarkness]

if you dunno what todo with her , send her to me

 

[myinnerslut]

i seriously recommend one of the checklists that cutie recommended. the reason being a sub is not a sub is not a sub. there are those who are masochists and those who are not. there are a million different areas that one can be intrested in with the label submissive.

i also recommend sitting down and talking to her. ask her what she wants and try your hardest to let her answer you without responding in a negative way. it probably took a lot of courage to tell you some of her wants.

 

[SubNebGuy]

If the answer to this is NO. "Then do not pass go, do not collect $200"

To my surprise.. for the reasons catalina stated.

Nothing worse than having a partner trying to go along to get along.

i couldn't agree less. just because you might no think of yourself as a dom, doesn't mean you cannot give her what she wants. it may be a compromise, but its not that big of a deal.

one must remember that the term 'BDSM' encompasses a wide variety of things...from simple 'tie me up and fuck me' to 'punch me and put a baseball bat up my ass'...or beyond.

for all you know, the poster's wife has a fantasy, not a true 'sub' calling.

won't know more until they sit down, talk it out, and decide what they wanna do.


for what its worth, my wife and i have amazing sex..vanilla, and some bdsm roleplay...because we are very open in our communication.

 

[Ice2000]

i couldn't agree less. just because you might no think of yourself as a dom, doesn't mean you cannot give her what she wants. it may be a compromise, but its not that big of a deal.

one must remember that the term 'BDSM' encompasses a wide variety of things...from simple 'tie me up and fuck me' to 'punch me and put a baseball bat up my ass'...or beyond.

for all you know, the poster's wife has a fantasy, not a true 'sub' calling.

won't know more until they sit down, talk it out, and decide what they wanna do.


for what its worth, my wife and i have amazing sex..vanilla, and some bdsm roleplay...because we are very open in our communication.

I guess all people are different SubNebGuy, and I won't say your totally wrong., But I think the poster would be better served to communicate with his wife and find common ground they both enjoy. What ever that common ground is.

I have been in a few relationships where I was into the D part and my partner was trying to satisfy my desires. Soon the partner faking is going .. not again? and the partner desiring feels like shit for asking.


I think common ground what ever that may be, beats fake stuff any day of the week and it will last.

 

[Ice2000]

if you dunno what todo with her , send her to me

And missofdarkness, as the resident sexual predator and general all round bad guy, I have dibs on dis-functional wives and such.


Your welcome to come along though..

 

[BiBunny]

And missofdarkness, as the resident sexual predator and general all round bad guy, I have dibs on dis-functional wives and such.


Your welcome to come along though..

No offense or anything, but that sexual predator reference is getting really old. You're not doing anything but living up to that expectation by continuing to talk about it. I'm sorry to point it out, but if you'll let it die, everyone will forget about it.

 

[Ice2000]

No offense or anything, but that sexual predator reference is getting really old. You're not doing anything but living up to that expectation by continuing to talk about it. I'm sorry to point it out, but if you'll let it die, everyone will forget about it.

Funny you should mention that BB... I was just going back and editing/Removing it from some of my posts, just did it on your threat before reading this.

But it really does have relevance here as a joke. And I kinda like the title of nothing more than to play around with like now. Have no fear BB, I'm going to get off Cat's back

 

[BiBunny]

Funny you should mention that BB... I was just going back and editing/Removing it from some of my posts, just did it on your threat before reading this.

But it really does have relevance here as a joke. And I kinda like the title of nothing more than to play around with like now. Have no fear BB, I'm going to get off Cat's back

Thank you.

 

[missofdarkness]

And missofdarkness, as the resident sexual predator and general all round bad guy, I have dibs on dis-functional wives and such.


Your welcome to come along though..

jealous eh? but i'm not interested in you

 

[A Desert Rose]

Excuse me but it's...

DYSFUNCTIONAL.

One word and a Y.

Bye now.

 

[BiBunny]

Excuse me but it's...

DYSFUNCTIONAL.

One word and a Y.

Bye now.

Kitty, my girlfriend, is rather dyslexic and has a hard time pronouncing words sometimes, so "dysfunctional" comes out "dicks-functional" occasionally. I like that way better.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, so that was what was on my back...and here I thought it was one of my cats getting extra affectionate!! Sheesh, some things just go right over my head here some days, or I'm not reading the right threads on time. Not sure I would call this woman dysfunctional though..sounds to me like she has much the same fantasies most of us have had throughout our lives.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_df3eed5e30_t.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Kitty, my girlfriend, is rather dyslexic and has a hard time pronouncing words sometimes, so "dysfunctional" comes out "dicks-functional" occasionally. I like that way better.

Hmm, but your a pervert of extraordinary standards young lady.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_df3eed5e30_t.jpg Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Hmm, but your a pervert of extraordinary standards young lady.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_df3eed5e30_t.jpg Catalina

True. It's so nice to be recognized for it by a pervert of even more extraordinary standards!

 

[wenchhh]

Cutiemouse had some GREAT advice, as well as references. (gotta love a librarian!) As someone who is just learning all about her submissive side, I know that I personally would be thrilled if my husband would open this conversation up for discussion between us. It's really kinda humorous, as he's a big strong guy, with hands that COULD spank my ass in oh, the nicest way, but... well, he just doesn't seem to have it in him, nor the gumption.
The dom/sub labels are just that, labels. The bottom line is that you love your wife, and you care about her enough to want to meet her needs. I'm sure if you communicate honestly with each other, you can find some middle ground you both will enjoy. Good luck!

 

[Ice2000]

jealous eh? but i'm not interested in you

now thats sad missofdarkness. I has a property dispute with a dom lesbian about 20 years ago...

She had gotten in my face over her lover and I had told her that Possession was 9/10ths of the law and the sub kept showing up on my doorstep...
She(the sub ) was really into Hot Rods.. and I use to build them, so that plus I guess my charming personality was winning the tug of war. On Saturday morning we were in my garage.. I had the sub stripped down to a pair of bikini bottoms...

And In rides the Dom lesbian on a Harley.. decked out in her leather ridding gear, sun glasses butch haircut.. the whole deal. jumped off the Harley, with some kind of a small whip in her hand.. not a crop but similar. Grabbed the sub by the hair of the head and proceeded to whip the shit out of her. Calling her all kinds of choice names with every stroke. As I looked on with a stunned look on my face she frog marched the sub to the bike, got her on.. got on herself, looked over at me and said your right.. Possession is 9 tenths of the law. and road off. never saw the girl again..lol

But that was some hot stuff..


So ya.. I'm still a little jealous

 

[calaman012]

great info

Wow, what a response. After I posted it hit me that this was surely a topic that must come up frequently on these boards. But the resources you posted will save me alot of time surfing. So thank you. I am going to do the research before I sit down with her.

As to me being a dom - i dont know, one of the things that I find very sexy is power, mostly when I have it. But our sex life has been fairly vanilla up to now. Anyways...I really appreciate your help on this and will if anyone is interested I can post how it goes, as we work through it.

M

 

[calaman012]

more thoughts

I was trying to think back about our relationship. I know she enjoys being held down, hair pulled, loved hard sex, likes to talk dirty, like a scene in a movie where two women were forced on each other by a guy, but doesn't like bondage scenes in movies though, likes the image of being tied up and taken.

We've communicated some about this and apparently I'm just really dense not to notice the pattern. This is very exciting stuff for me but I dont want to ruin our relationship. On my part I like the idea of control during sex, would love to dress her up as I please, like to control when she comes or if she comes (is that evil?).

I feel like I'm 18 again, but where do I go from here? How to I get her to realize and embrace this part of her and let us build on it? Hope this makes sense.

Thanks again.

 

[neonflux]

I was trying to think back about our relationship. I know she enjoys being held down, hair pulled, loved hard sex, likes to talk dirty, like a scene in a movie where two women were forced on each other by a guy, but doesn't like bondage scenes in movies though, likes the image of being tied up and taken.

We've communicated some about this and apparently I'm just really dense not to notice the pattern. This is very exciting stuff for me but I dont want to ruin our relationship. On my part I like the idea of control during sex, would love to dress her up as I please, like to control when she comes or if she comes (is that evil?).

I feel like I'm 18 again, but where do I go from here? How to I get her to realize and embrace this part of her and let us build on it? Hope this makes sense.

Thanks again.

Have you thought about showing her this thread? And then perhaps together starting to explore the resources people have posted...

Enjoy! Neon