My wife doesn't want to try anything new sexually.

[thefink]

This is sort of a personal, but also a way for me to vent and get some random people's opinions.

My wife does not think that most couples venture outside the realm of what is considered "normal sex." She thinks that porn has skewed my view of what sex should be like. She's satisfied with our sex life and doesn't want to do any experimenting outside of what we normally do, which is oral, different variations of the missionary position and occasionally doggy style.

This has become so frustrating because I can't really tell her that I hang out on places like this, seeing that so many other women are into much more experimenting than she is. She just thinks that the only examples that she has to go by are the norm. These examples are three women (her sister, her friend, and her cousin), who all have relationships and share intimate details of their sex lives with her, and apparently they don't do anything that's not normal according to her. Apparently, normal does not include role playing, dirty talk or anything of the sort that I'm sure most of you do actually consider normal.

Anyway, we just had a discussion about this and now I'm at my wit's end and I'm about to give up. I'm here to vent, but also to ask if any women would like to e-mail with me on a regular basis, so that I may have an outlet, as I do not want to cheat. Let me repeat that I do not WANT to cheat, but at this point if the opportunity arose, I don't think I could resist. I've been getting the cold shoulder for too long now. Sure we have sex once or twice a week, which by the way isn't as much as I'd like, but the sex we do have lacks much excitement. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[SweetErika]

Thefink, have you tried some very mild things like:

• Asking her what she considers sexy/adventurous/erotic in a nice, romantic, relaxed setting (maybe after a good dinner of her choice, dessert, glass of wine and by candlelight)
• "Couples romance" books/tasteful videos
• Games that involve making out, talking, touching, things you do now, and maybe a couple of things she'd consider adventurous
• Suggesting you write each other "loving and sexy" notes (then don't get too crazy with hers)
• Flavored massage oils, whipped cream, silk scarves, feathers -- just to spice it up a bit and get her going
• Books like 1001 Romantic Nights (or something like that, it has little note cards and ideas)
• Sex/fooling around in different areas of the house, and maybe car
• Ask her to participate in one of your most romantic fantasies (say, tying her hands very softly, blindfolding and pleasuring her)
• Etc., etc. Look for romantic and sensual ideas in The Blank Manual sticky at the top of the How To forum here, and online...there are a billion of them to try.

I'm here to vent, but also to ask if any women would like to e-mail with me on a regular basis, so that I may have an outlet, as I do not want to cheat. Let me repeat that I do not WANT to cheat, but at this point if the opportunity arose, I don't think I could resist. I've been getting the cold shoulder for too long now. Sure we have sex once or twice a week, which by the way isn't as much as I'd like, but the sex we do have lacks much excitement. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Would you tell your wife you're emailing with these women as "an outlet" for your frustration? How do you think she'd feel/react if you told her, or she found out you were doing this without her knowledge?

Rhetorical questions, really. You're planning on doing it behind her back, and she'd likely be angry, humiliated and very hurt by your behavior (at best, lying; at worst, cheating).

If you're so unhappy with regular, very vanilla sex, that you're soliciting women to cheat with, it's probably either time to have a heart-to-heart with your wife, go to counseling (together, or a therapist likely can help you communicate more effectively/figure out what to do), and/or decide to go your separate ways. Sex problems and cheating are symptoms of far greater problems like poor communication, long-held resentments, unresolved issues, growing apart and too much stress.

If your wife loves you and knew you were so hurt by your current sex life that you were taking steps to cheat, she'd try to accommodate you. Now her effort probably wouldn't meet your desires, but I'm betting she'd make an effort. Or, maybe she'd give you her blessing to go find it elsewhere--stranger things have happened.

You're trying to take the easy way out. Being selfish and cheating is a hell of a lot easier than communicating well and trying to work something out. Being single is far more simple than being attached--we only have to take care of, and be accountable to, ourselves--but we choose to stay married because there are many other benefits. Or not: we can also choose to become single again. So, are you a loser who takes the easy, cheating route; or are you a pretty decent guy who loves his wife and is willing to do some hard stuff and at least try to work through this?

I know you were looking for validation, so here it is: It's a shame that your wife isn't as open-minded as you'd like, and I can understand your frustration. I'd be hurt and irritated, too, but I'll also do just about anything to avoid hurting someone I love (and I won't stay in a loveless marriage, period).

Okay, that's not as much validation as you wanted, but you asked for my thoughts, and I'm giving them to you because honesty is important to me. I'm guessing it is to you, too, and you've kind of just lost your way here.

For the "this is a porn board, not a morality board!" contingent: Stop, we've all heard your argument multiple times, and I even just summarized it for you again. The OP asked for opinions, and I gave him mine. I'm all for porn and 'live and let live/whatever makes you happy'-- as long as the activity won't hurt anyone. Lying and cheating have the potential to cause great pain, so, like pedophilia, abuse, stealing and a multitude of other things, I'm against them. I'm not religious, and I'm all for polyamory and swinging, but I DO believe in treating people well.