My "virgin" story!

[LolitaBonita]

Hey everyone!

I just got my first story accepted and I'm so excited. I think it was a huge validation for me as a writer, which is good seeing that I am an English major and all.

One of the paragraphs came out screwy, but other than that *I* think it looks good.

If anyone's interested in reading it and posting comments, I wouldn't object!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146477

 

[SweetErika]

You asked for feedback...
First, you need an introduction to set up the scene. As it is now, it reads like a sequel.
Also, there is WAY too much background and too many details before the sex. This is a problem because I kept thinking, 'When will we get on with the show?' and I'm a woman, so I'd imagine men will be even more impatient than me. I got lost in all of the details...the friends, dancing, talking, descriptions. Details make for reality, but you should probably simplify it down to a couple of paragraphs. Saying "we met in college" is more effective than describing the dorm, the dorm rules, the frisbee game, etc. And why is it relevant that his new shirt had silver writing that you couldn't read?
Third, there are some inconsistencies. For example, how is Jackson pudgy and skinny?
Finally, there are a lot of terms I don't understand. I couldn't find examples, but there were some strange words that made me wonder if you were in a different country and using slang.

I don't intend to be mean-spirited or hurt your feelings. I think you have a good start, but the story needs some serious editing to make it more enjoyable and easier to read.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I seriously had to wonder if the previous commenter was reading the same story. I totally disagree with everything they've said. It's details like the silver writing that make the difference between an erotic story and a porn video: stories are about people, and people wear clothes and live amid scenery and notice things around them.

It starts strongly, and the story takes off immediately. The passion is in the very first line, and sustained throughout the first scene. There's no slowness, and no sense of anything missed or unexplained. Once you've begun and have shown who the two main characters are and how they feel, then you pull back and tell more about them ('My God, he's gorgeous' and on), five paragraphs of appearance and feeling and history. This is quite perfectly balanced, and at the right place, and once you've set up this useful background you resume the main story ('Boy, was that about to change!').

The action and their thoughts are now detailed carefully and smoothly, and though personally I don't care for all the dancing and poking and slapping, it's the modern-day version of romantic play, and is quite appropriate. You never go off on a tangent, the erotic build-up never slackens, it just gradually charts their moves towards each other.

It doesn't need any editing.

 

[creolemyers]

My compliments

Nicely done. Erotic and elegant. Keep writing.

Here's mine:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146733

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I got bored. After they got to the club and started dancing, I was ready to go home. We already know what's going to happen: she has the hots for him, and he no doubt has the hots for her too. They're going to go home and screw. Get on with it.

The drama in a story comes from watching people negotiate a problem, or in seeing how they change in response to some event or crisis. It seemed like a foregone conclusion to me that they were going to go to bed together, so I don't really understand what purpose all the dancing served. If it was supposed to build the sexual tension or sense of anticipation, I'm afraid it didn't work for me. It was very unsexy dancing, and I lost patience with it. I scanned ahead and saw more of the same and so I bailed out.

I don't know how much you intended to give the impression that this was written by a young girl, but you succeeded admirably. I take it you are a young girl, and so I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing or not. If you're in your thirties or forties, Id say you did a beautiful job of sounding like an 18 year-old. One thing, though, is that I would really try and avoid using exclamation points in the narrative. It's like an elbow in the reader's ribs.

You write very well and the story flows. It just flows too slowly for my tastes; in fact it I would even say it meanders. I could have done with some more tension or passion between the characters, some reason to care about what happens between them. As it was, I lost interest.

---dr.M.