my virgin pen..

[lady_vermilion]

hello everyone...

I wrote my first story, and I am so addicted to share more. So two more are on the way. One is Chinese, another one is about bondage.

I had gotten a few feed backs. May be because of the nature of the story, alot of feed backs are what my readers what to do with me in public places, (wink)

I would like to open this thread, and ask publicly of what other writers think about the story.

It is called Elevator.

Please advice. Your suggestions will be appreciated.

Lady Vermilion

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

lady vermillion,

IMHO, your story is an interesting read, but it has several problems and needs a good edit. You might considered taking advantage of Literotica's Volunteer Editor program.

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This piece is more a vignette than a story. All you've done is describe sex in an elevator. The reader is told virtually nothing about the couple, the only challege they face is not getting caught, and the only thing about them that changes by the end of the story is they're sweaty and satisfied.

There is a shift in tense from the past tense used in the opening, to the present tense beginning when they couple speak.

There are also several POV shifts. This is a first person narrative which means the narrator can only know what he feels, hears, sees, thinks, etc. This example of POV shift occures in the elevator, when this narrator tells the reader what his partner feels. "Stream after stream fills you and you feel it entering you...,"

This piece contains many mechanical gliches. For instance, in the elevator, the guy says, "I move my head down and under your skirt." The only problem is that in an earlier paragraph, the gal was said to be wearing, "...a new, black skirt that seemed to be painted onto your legs."

Shortly after that he performs another physically challenging feat. "I remove my hands from your buttocks and slide them up, under your skirt."

Most of your sentences begin with "I, You, My, and sometimes, "We". This is especially noticable at the beginning of paragraphs.

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In short, you make just about as many mistakes as I did when I first started posting. (okay, as I still do.) Keep reading and writing, both stories and critiques; that's the cheapest, and one of the best, writing lessons available. And remember, this critique is just the subjective opinion of another writer. And since that writier is me, it's bound to be worth much less than it cost.

Good luck,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[lady_vermilion]

Woah, Thank you!! I didn't even notice these things, ;-)

Talk about not being mindful, ;-)

Thank you so much. I guess I really didn't put much thought into it. I don't know how to stop a submission from being approved; I discovered many mistakes in the pieces I submitted as well.

As to an editor, I did consider it. I have to find one I am comfortable with, are you an editor? Many be you can work with me for a bit..

Again, in any case, thank you for your feedbacks, I appreciated it very much...


Yours,
LV

 

[KillerMuffin]

A fair piece of advice: lose the second person point of view. It butchered your story. Why? You just alienated a majority of your audience without even being the slightest bit rude. The average reader sees "You" in the first paragraph and backclicks immediately. They don't even bother to try to figure out if they're supposed to be male or female, they just look for something else.

Half or more of your audience does not have a clit. Telling them that "You stop and gasp as the little finger that poked out from the side of the rubber penis pressed against your clit, as it was meant to you" is going to mean very little to them. I have a clit, but that sentence alienated me since rubber penises irritate my vagina and I don't stick them in there. I would never stop and gasp, I would stop, turn around, and hit someone.

My advice is to move directly into what's called third person omniscent in past tense. It's the easiest to master as far as quality story-telling goes. You learn to develop characters because the built in development of first person isn't a crutch. You learn to work with points of view to make the story more effective and you learn to work with plot and description. Third person also takes you, the author, out of the story if you do it correctly. There is generally a tremendous problem when the reader sees the narrator's voice in the story, but that's another thread.

In case there is any confusion, here are some examples of POV.

First Person:

"I smiled as I walked with her, hand in hand. I felt so happy that I was with her once again, going about the various errands that needed to be run."

Second Person

"I smiled as I walked with you, hand in hand. I felt so happy that I was with you once again, going about the various errands that we needed to run."

Third Person

"He smiled as he walked with her, hand in hand. He felt so happy that he was with her once again, going about the various errands that they needed to run."

Now it's incredibly easy to confuse first and second person. The only defining quality of second person is that one of the characters is "you." In all actuality there was no POV shift in your story. Usually when a character is "you" there will also be an "I" character. You will note that in "I" stories there are also "he" and "she" characters, that doesn't mean there is a POV shift. POV shifts generally occur when you move from one character's distinct set of thoughts to another character's distinct set of thoughts. This POV shift doesn't include the First-Second-Third Person viewpoints.

I didn't read your story so I have no idea if "I" read "you's" mind or not. If "I" could read "you's" mind, then there was POV hanky-panky going on that shouldn't have.

A last piece of parting advice, do not write with anyone you know in your mind. You will write to that person or for that person and you'll leave out important details or descriptions that your person will already know. If you need to write to someone then imagine an anonymous stranger or someone in a magazine.

 

[lady_vermilion]

Thank you for your advice. Although, I find it to be my preference to use 2nd person POV. I think that makes the writings more personal. More intimate. I agree with you that it does eliminate about 50% of the readers, but I joy is not having the most readers, but wanting my readers to be appreciative of my writings.

And also thank you for giving detail examples of each POV. I am certain anyone that read your post would appreciate it as well. Your points are well noted.

Yours,
LV