My Storys So Far-Looking For Feedback

[PrincessKatie]

I am "PrincessKatie" in literotica.
I am hoping to gather ideas and suggestions about my work so far in order to improve for the future.
So far I have only worked under Fetish but am considering doing other storys elsewhere on other categories.
My signature hopefully has them in but just in case it does'nt....
DreamWorks 1-http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43758
DreamWorks 2-http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43956

Any feedback and views would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

From PrincessKatie.

 

[Impetus]

Your writing is....um...not very good.

If I were to to offer one suggestion, and it would be a big one, it would be to stop, back up, and go back to basics. You really need to work on your writing technique and technical mastery of writing. You need to learn how to use quotes and paragraphs and a lot of the basics before you work on anything else. I could try and offer feedback about other elements of the story, but the best advice I can give you is to really work the basics if you want your writing to become better. After that, try again and we'll see if we can't iron out a better story.

Good luck.

-I

 

[Fairytat]

Well, it isn't all THAT bad

I guess the worst I can say about your work is that you need to learn the structure of a paragraph, quotations, and add a bit more description.

If you weren't going to have the children play a part in the story then you shouldn't have mentioned them. Other then mentioning he had children, the twins weren't really IN the story anyway. You, the narrator, didn't need to tell the reader that, s/he understood that already.

Also, let the reader discover what susan looked like through the eyes of her husband rather then having you, again, interrupt the flow of the story to talk about her.

This story was told in third-person limited --- meaning that the story was from Chris's point of view but not told in his "voice" --- so the writer can only speak through the characters. If you wanted to be the narrator you needed to have the story from first-person point of view rather then third.

I think you have an active imagination as proven by the content of the story but you just need to work out the kinks.

 

[PrincessKatie]

Thanks for the feedback-DreamWorks is now undergoing major changes.