My story...

[Vivacia]

I am quite new here and only have one story on the boards, would like some feedback as to what people think about it...

Just click my link at the bottom of this post if you are interested in reading it for me, and maybe a few of you could place your votes too??

Thanx in anticipation

Viv

 

[Tatewaki]

Hello, Vivacia!

I will email this as feedback as well.


I liked your story "Fire and Ice" very much. I list some of my observations below. I mix the positive and negative ones together, so as not to shock you.

I found too much use of the passive tense. Try to use the active tense whenever possible.


The sun was warm against their skin, in contrast to the icy air, as they entered the park. It was quiet there and the recent snowfall had been left undisturbed; a few footprints from birds and other wildlife were the only visible signs of life in the otherwise virgin and pristine white.

Becomes

The sun warmed their skin in stark contrast to the icy air as they entered the park. The fluffy piles of snow mirrored the absolute quiet around them. Only a few faded footprints from birds and other small wildlife reminded them that other things stirred in this land of virgin, pristine white.


By the way, I had to remove mention of undisturbed snow, since you later said there were animal tracks in it!

Watch your sentence length! Some of your lines are very hard to read. I include one below:


She was an attractive red-head with sparkling green eyes that danced with mischief, her full figure clad alluringly in a hunter green polar necked sweater that clung to all the right places, and accentuated her lovely eyes, teamed with moleskin pants that nestled against her firm calves and pert buttocks and a long leather jacket that hung down to the top of her mid-thigh boots.


I’m sure you’ll agree that this can be cut into three, perhaps even four sentences and not lose any of the meaning or impact.

You created a very fun, playful tale. I enjoyed it immensely. Who hasn’t dreamed of nailing their lover in a field of unbroken snow?

Beware cliches. They enter your writing without warning, and are very hard to spot. The only reason I found this one is because it’s one of my favourites! I look for this one in my own writing, and was surprised to see it in yours, as well. "The offending garment" is a line that doesn’t really mean that much, but people use it as if it does. Saying "He peeled away her jumper" gives us exactly the same information without resorting to the cheesy line.

You use very descriptive language! I love your metaphors. "A curtain of silk and fire" has to be one of my favourite. Don’t be surprised if you see it in one of my next stories. In deference to you, I might alter it to read "a curtain of silken fire."

The story is very erotic, and sensual. An outstanding first effort. I gave it a 4 out of 5.

Take care,

-T