Phoenix646
Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2001
- Posts
- 93
my story ,X-Men Evolution, feedback please
- Thread starter Phoenix646
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Phoenix646
Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2001
- Posts
- 93
nobody interested??
Let no feedback request go unanswered
It could be a cartoon character sex fantasy isn't high on most people's list of erotic possibilities. But a story is a story and can be evaluated as such, so here goes:
I should note that I've never seen the cartoon, so take all of this in stride.
Rogue was a senior of Bayville High School. She also is a mutant.
In your first two sentences you shift tense between past and present.
More first paragraph corrections:
'young girls life' should be 'young girl's life.'
'One of the first X-men to truly except her has part of the group' s/b 'to truly accept her as part . . .'
Second paragraph:
'At the present time, summer was fast approaching . .' 'At the present time' is completely unnecessary.
'The entire Mansion . .' You haven't introduced what the 'Mansion' is. Maybe this is known to those who see the cartoon, but such is the limitation of writing to a limited audience.
The story started to pick up a bit in the scene about Rogue being stoned and falling. The scene and her stoned manner of speech were funny.
Her last class of the day was her English class, and it was the worst out of them all. A certain boy was in the class with her, Scott Summers, the love of her life.
I'll pick this as an example of unnecessary wordiness (a problem many of us need discipline to avoid). We already know Scott is her lust-object, so referring to him as 'a certain boy' is pointless. Better to say 'Her last class--English--was the worst of all: Scott was there.'
The scene shortly after-- where Rogue's embarrassed, Scott defends her and sees her sole tear--was nicely done.
By the middle of the story you seem to catch more of a rhythm; there weren't as many glaring errors and the story began to flow much better. I enjoyed the building sense of frustration as her attempts at orgasm kept getting interrupted. That let up nicely to her encounter with Scott.
Rogue was a young woman who was extremely in shape. Countless hours in the Danger Room had given her a narrow waist, a firm and tight butt, and flat stomach. However the one thing she loved about her body, were her full C cup breasts.
This is one of those times that you have to think through who your intended audience is. If you assume the readers have seen the cartoon, then giving Rogue's description (focused as it is on her sexual attributes) seems gratuitous and too much like 'net story porn, which seems to demand a paragraph giving the female's measurements. If you assume that readers aren't familiar, it seems you should be consistent and give more background and description (the Mansion, who the X-men are, describe other characters).
*******
I thought the image of two teens (Rogue and Scott), one really wanting another, but horny nonetheless, coming together was done well. I particularly liked the moments of 'realism,' her doing a taste-test on his pre-cum, stiffling a laugh, etc. And the orgasmic effects on Scott were hysterical. I was hoping you'd put in some memory-loss effect, since we 'normal' males seem to lose all sense of time and place at the moment anyway.
The final scene with Jean sensing (telepathically) what was going on was very good. Again, I liked how the supernatural powers merely mimicked what tends to go on with people normally.
You managed to draw me into the characters and story pretty well, which, given this sort of story isn't normally my cup of tea, says a lot.
The weak part of the story was the opening: unfortunately, the opening is a critical part. Typos and awkward sentences there will turn off many readers immediately.
It could be a cartoon character sex fantasy isn't high on most people's list of erotic possibilities. But a story is a story and can be evaluated as such, so here goes:
I should note that I've never seen the cartoon, so take all of this in stride.
Rogue was a senior of Bayville High School. She also is a mutant.
In your first two sentences you shift tense between past and present.
More first paragraph corrections:
'young girls life' should be 'young girl's life.'
'One of the first X-men to truly except her has part of the group' s/b 'to truly accept her as part . . .'
Second paragraph:
'At the present time, summer was fast approaching . .' 'At the present time' is completely unnecessary.
'The entire Mansion . .' You haven't introduced what the 'Mansion' is. Maybe this is known to those who see the cartoon, but such is the limitation of writing to a limited audience.
The story started to pick up a bit in the scene about Rogue being stoned and falling. The scene and her stoned manner of speech were funny.
Her last class of the day was her English class, and it was the worst out of them all. A certain boy was in the class with her, Scott Summers, the love of her life.
I'll pick this as an example of unnecessary wordiness (a problem many of us need discipline to avoid). We already know Scott is her lust-object, so referring to him as 'a certain boy' is pointless. Better to say 'Her last class--English--was the worst of all: Scott was there.'
The scene shortly after-- where Rogue's embarrassed, Scott defends her and sees her sole tear--was nicely done.
By the middle of the story you seem to catch more of a rhythm; there weren't as many glaring errors and the story began to flow much better. I enjoyed the building sense of frustration as her attempts at orgasm kept getting interrupted. That let up nicely to her encounter with Scott.
Rogue was a young woman who was extremely in shape. Countless hours in the Danger Room had given her a narrow waist, a firm and tight butt, and flat stomach. However the one thing she loved about her body, were her full C cup breasts.
This is one of those times that you have to think through who your intended audience is. If you assume the readers have seen the cartoon, then giving Rogue's description (focused as it is on her sexual attributes) seems gratuitous and too much like 'net story porn, which seems to demand a paragraph giving the female's measurements. If you assume that readers aren't familiar, it seems you should be consistent and give more background and description (the Mansion, who the X-men are, describe other characters).
*******
I thought the image of two teens (Rogue and Scott), one really wanting another, but horny nonetheless, coming together was done well. I particularly liked the moments of 'realism,' her doing a taste-test on his pre-cum, stiffling a laugh, etc. And the orgasmic effects on Scott were hysterical. I was hoping you'd put in some memory-loss effect, since we 'normal' males seem to lose all sense of time and place at the moment anyway.
The final scene with Jean sensing (telepathically) what was going on was very good. Again, I liked how the supernatural powers merely mimicked what tends to go on with people normally.
You managed to draw me into the characters and story pretty well, which, given this sort of story isn't normally my cup of tea, says a lot.
The weak part of the story was the opening: unfortunately, the opening is a critical part. Typos and awkward sentences there will turn off many readers immediately.
Hey,
Okay, I've been an X-men fan since Claremont, and just recently got into X-men Evolution. Took a while because I had to wrap my mind around the "remade as teens" concept. But I do like it a lot now.
The story plot and situations were very good. The actual writing/delivery could use some polishing. All in all, I give it a 4 out of 5.
I think it will be worth a 5 if you go back and smooth out the technical errors. I enjoyed the read.
Mooncat
>^,,^<
Okay, I've been an X-men fan since Claremont, and just recently got into X-men Evolution. Took a while because I had to wrap my mind around the "remade as teens" concept. But I do like it a lot now.
The story plot and situations were very good. The actual writing/delivery could use some polishing. All in all, I give it a 4 out of 5.
I think it will be worth a 5 if you go back and smooth out the technical errors. I enjoyed the read.
Mooncat
>^,,^<
Phoenix646
Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2001
- Posts
- 93
well this was my first story so i haven't exaclty mastered writing technique. But i guess overall the reviews have been positive.
Mooncat, seeing how you have watched the cartoon, who do you think Rogue should get with next? For now her crush on Scott is over with, and im not fully sure who her next fling should be with.
Mooncat, seeing how you have watched the cartoon, who do you think Rogue should get with next? For now her crush on Scott is over with, and im not fully sure who her next fling should be with.
I really like the Rogue/Scott dynamic. None of the other boys really seem right for her. Wolverine is a possibility, simply because he's so male. I've always had a thing for Wolverine *^_~*
But maybe it's my perchent for femslash, but I'd rather see Rogue with one of the girls, Kitty, Jean, or even Mystique in her teen persona.
But the boys seem just that, boys. eh...
Avalanch/Rictor is nifty, but I don't see him with Rogue, I really don't.
Mooncat
>^,,^<
But maybe it's my perchent for femslash, but I'd rather see Rogue with one of the girls, Kitty, Jean, or even Mystique in her teen persona.
But the boys seem just that, boys. eh...
Avalanch/Rictor is nifty, but I don't see him with Rogue, I really don't.
Mooncat
>^,,^<
Phoenix646
Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2001
- Posts
- 93
yeah, i agree that Scott is the only guy id wanna see with Rogue. But for the most part, there aren't many girls. I mean Jean and Rogue really don't get along, Mystique is kinda her mother.
Such problems, i hate writers block.
Such problems, i hate writers block.
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