My story 'Second Chances'

[life_is_a_dance]

It's great to actually be able to post my stories here on Literotica. Gives me a forum to express some of my ideas.

My main problem is that no one really gives me any constructive feedback. I have no way to know if my characters are believable or my plot like is easy to follow.

I thank everybody who has voted and who has given me words of encouragment. Makes me feel like I am doing my job right, but I would like some people to give me some constructive feedback!

Any help would be great before I get too far into the plot.

Same goes for my other story 'Ocean Blue'. It's great that people are writing and voting about it, but I need some direction in which to help me steer the story.

Thanks!!
life_is_a_dance

 

[BlackShanglan]

And a link ...

Right here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158132

Second Chances Chapter 1. I am off to read and comment.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

Comments on "Second Chances" Ch. 01

I tend to comment as I read, so the structure of this is likely to be small-scale elements first - langauge and mechanics - followed by a broader commentary.

paragraph 2 - one assumes "physique" rather than "physic"?

From the opening, I like the way that you are managing physical descriptions. We quickly know who we are looking at without it being hamfisted, statistically-driven, or out of character. My personal bias interferes here to some extent - I have a mulish streak that resists the implication that I should be interested in characters based on what they look like - but I recognize that that is an entirely individual issue of my own. I imagine that for most audiences, this is a good opening.


Hmm. And then we have this:

Natasha had always been pretty, one of those heartbreakers in high school that would use guys and leave them in the same week. Her long brown hair hung down her back, almost reaching to her butt with a slight curl to it that could never be tamed.

Luscious, but who is thinking or saying this? The only character present is the character from whose point of view we are presumably getting this information - Natasha. But do people actually stare into a mirror and think, "I've always been pretty. I'm one of those heartbreakers" etc. etc.?

Under this, too, is my growing resistance - perhaps personal, but growing - to the fact that I'm getting a lot of physical description and not much sense of who the characters are as people. Physical description might lure me in if I had some uncontrollable fixation upon either swaying-hipped, long-haired women or exotic half-Spanish men, but for the most part I need people with interesting thoughts, not just attractive models.

"Bella" and an English accent seem a rather odd combination. Frankly, it comes off rather more put on or sharkish than charming to my admittedly unpracticed ear for pick-up chatter.

Hmmm. Tough call here. You very nearly lost me on this one. In fact, it's the joys of skimming that mean I made it to the plot twist. If this is the way you are going with the story, I think you'd do better to concentrate more on lust and less on a soft-focus romance feel in the beginning of the story. Indeed, all of the alarm bells were going off - why is she taking a total stranger home, what sort of lunatic allows a strange man to tie her up, etc. etc. The problem was that the soft, fuzzy feel of it did make it appear to be heading in the romance direction, so my main feeling during that section was one of frustration. I thought it was aiming for romance and totally failing to build character interest, thereby going for a flat, dull pseudo-romance without kick. It's more interesting as a setup to something darker, but if I hadn't been reviewing this to comment upon, I would not have made it to that revelation. I suggest focusing more on the character of Natasha and her reasons for picking up hot men in bars. Make it more physical, more direct, more grittily lust-driven, and work on making me believe that she would take him home.

Same issue with our detectives. It's hard for me to accept that he's standing in the middle of a homicide scene, nervous about being at his new job, surrounded with other police and a dead body in front of him, and his first thought of Baldacci is that he wants to kiss her. OK, we want her to be a magnetic central character, but give her some time. Let the tension build. It will be more powerful if you give it more roots and let it move more slowly.

I'm having a hard time believing that any police officer, however young, or any human being for that rate, actually walks through a puddle of blood at a homicide scene.

The person who did this wasn’t seen because he didn’t walk out the front door, just like the first case.

Ah ... didn't he go *in* the front door, though?

Daniel was in awe of this woman, so fiery and bold. If anyone were in doubt of how strong she was, all they had to do was watch the way she walked. Head held high, shoulders squared with her hips swaying with grace.

Two issues here. First of all, he's only just met her five minutes ago. "Awe" seems a powerful emotion to feel for a near-stranger. It needs grounding. Second, it's rather "tell-y." It describes his emotions rather than creating them. Show us what is awe-inspiring about her; that will create a more powerful sense of her presence than telling us that he is in awe of her.

On the whole, I respect your desire to make a proper story of this, not just a strung-together heap of sex scenes. It's a good ambition and I urge you to follow your instinct there. However, since you will be doing that, give Rory and Daniel some time to develop their relationship. If there's going to be plenty of plot work, there will be ample time for them to develop an interest that is more deep and more natural. If, to balance that, you want some hot, swift, physically-driven sex, I'd revamp that opening scene and go with a more "animal lust" version that ends in some sex before the murder. It would certainly emphasize the sudden shock of the violence while also toying nicely with audience expectations. Not saying that personally I think that the opening *needs* sex per se - only that if you're pushing a sense of desire that leads to someone inviting a total stranger home to shag, you could add punch by emphasizing the physical end, making it more gritty, and using sex if you desired.

Shanglan

 

[life_is_a_dance]

Sorry. Here are my stories.

Sorry about that. Forgot to put in links to my stories.

Second Chances Ch. 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158132

Second Chances Ch. 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158775

Ocean Blue Ch. 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158138

Ocean Blue Ch. 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158378

Thanks again for any feed back that you care to give! Helps me to make the stories more enjoyable for everyone.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

You asked about character, but I'll briefly mention language. Your sentence structure is fine, usually just the right balance, but your word choice and descriptions are often rather predictable. Things like: 'eyes narrowed in determination', 'in his Armani suits and expensive shoes', 'burning with barely contained anger'. They're not exactly cliches, but on the other hand, given the situation, these particular details aren't adding surprise or depth or colour.

The characterization matches: 'running a hand through his salt and pepper hair' is on its own a good touch of description that personalizes him, except that we could already guess this is how he behaves. The whole story reads like an episode of Law and Order: stock villains, stock cops, everything unfolding in the predictable storyline.

That's not to say they're wooden or unrealistic. As with Law and Order and a hundred other cop shows these days, you've got lots of details of personality: they might have the gruff one, the one who mustn't be crossed, the older one who's seen it before, and a host of minor characters. Many of their small actions build up to confirm their personality. But these people don't come across as surprising or three-dimensional. The insecure, idealistic one is going to do this in this situation, the gruff, tolerant one is going to do that, but no-one breaks out of their script.

The way you move between the turns of the plot is very good. Now these transitions really are believable and powerful. I think you're letting the plot drive the story too much, and you need to give them more characterization that isn't related to their place in it. Think of her favourite colour, what she likes for breakfast, what sort of casual clothes she's got at home, where she went to school, what kind of comedy makes her laugh; really get to know her. Then don't cram it all into the story, but have something to draw on other than the central aspects 'driven cop', 'has secret', 'tired from overwork'. You have put a lot of work into characterization, and I'd like to think it wasn't just to make a more impressive TV episode.

 

[life_is_a_dance]

Thanks!

Thank you so much for the help. Helps me put the story into a different perspective. Hopefully the next chapters are better than the first two and the story just keeps getting better.


life_is_a_dance