My Story is Posted!

[Tricialen]

I just wanted to let you know that my first story has posted. I hope that you'll take a look and let me know what you think. And be kind, I've never done this before.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=935598&page=submissions

 

[Luke's Angel]

Excellent first draft of a story. Descriptions need to be more fleshed out and the pacing needs to be slowed for some parts. You need to allow the reader a chance to slow down and breathe. You've got the reader sprinting through the story so fast I don't think many of us will have time to get fully aroused.

You have a lot of different themes in this story. First time sex with a stranger. First time phone sex. Sex of an adulterous nature. Sex with a much younger man. Chance of being discovered in adulterous sex. Domination and submission themes too. That is an enourmous challenge you've set for yourself with all of that in one story. But you've constructed an alluring framework. But it is just a framework with some nice bits hung or painted on to show what could be a much deeper, richer story.

The descriptive parts are too few but they are tantalizing. Teasing in fact. It would be best to add more full descriptions of the charaters and their surroundings. Slow it down some, explore the full delight of the sex act. Explore the wickedness of the adulterous themes. Talk up the possibility of the characters being discovered in the act by the spouses.

Very ambitious first story and very impressive energy and potential. Keep at it and let's see where it leads. I'm really eager to see what more you can do.

 

[gauchecritic]

Overall a pleasant diversion, your use of language is eminently readable and I spotted but two spelling errors. I didn't even begin to skim until very close to the end. The end? That was no end that was the middle.

Even in a two parter it's probably a good idea to at least have some kind of ending rather than just stopping the action.

The short, very short sentences were effective as a device but then went on throughout the story and quickly became alarming. I don't think I've ever seen so many full stops (periods) on one page.

I really enjoyed the closing sequence, with the protag getting uncomfortable about the phone sex and not being able to just hang up but was annoyed that it ended there.

The only thing that threw me (made me re-read) was being picked up and carried to the couch. As I read it it was she that picked him up, then I re-read and found that the paragraph change had the effect of swapping the protags round.

The pace was a little bit slow despite the fact that she seemed to go along all too quickly having said she didn't really want to go that far. This was possibly caused by there not being sufficient conviction or maybe too little character realisation as the story progressed.

While I had an overall picture of the main character (I'm not talking about what she looked like but who she was) the guy on the phone was completely anonymous to me. Ok he was anonymous to her but as a reader I wanted the guy to be more real.

Having said all that I'll just point out that these crits are all just tweaks, the kind of things that a Lit experienced writer would be getting not a first timer that had no clue about the medium (spelling, paragraphing, cliché etc) As a first story it was well above average.

I hope that you'll take a look and let me know what you think. And be kind, I've never done this before

If I wasn't able to be kind I wouldn't have replied at all.

 

[Tricialen]

Thank you both for looking at my little piece. I'm just doing it for fun and I do realize how out of my league I am here. But I'll take all of your advice and use it to be better.
Thank you

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Welcome! The advice given here is just what most of us get, and need, after our first story. I just posted my sixth and will probably get more of the same.

 

[tickledkitty]

Thank you both for looking at my little piece. I'm just doing it for fun and I do realize how out of my league I am here. But I'll take all of your advice and use it to be better.
Thank you

You're not out of your league. You just need more practice and an editor. (as we all do )

 

[Luke's Angel]

Ditto on that not out of your league part. You have a lot of talent. You just have to do the whole sit down and do more drafts and edit. Take your time. We'll be here to lend you our support.