My Stories...Would love Feedback

[D Ray]

Dear Reader, Writers, Editors,

I have 5 stories posted on this site. I just learned about this area of Literotica and how to use it. I'm very interested in feedback and helpful suggestions...as my friends are kind of bias.

My stories have been viewed by a lot of you and I have received some feedback from a few.

Here are the stories and catagories:
"Days End" - Letters & Transcripts (new)
"Indtrucer Within" - NonConsent
"Lunch Meeting" - Romance
"Up Lifting" - Exhibitionist/Voyeur
"Planting Seeds" - Exhibitionst/Voyeur

I hope that you will take some time to acquaint yourself with some of my work and I would appreciate any feedback that is offered.

Thank you....

 

[Chicklet]

First off, a link for others.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=206592

 

[Chicklet]

I'm choosing to read "Intruder Within" because, well, I like nonconsent.

Overall, it's not a bad story. The twist is, of course, obvious, but that's why we like nonconsent stories, isn't it? It had all the aspects of a nonconsent that I think define the category as an erotic one. Not rape, but exciting ravishment of a scared individual. Throughout your story you make consistant errors, some punctuation problems and a few mistaken words. Here should be Hear in a great number of places, and it should be simple enough to correct that. While I didn't like the tense or the 2nd person, I still thought yours was a good story.

Style Comments:

First, I want you to know that present tense really turns me off. From what I've read on this forum it does the same for most of us. It's harder for me to imagine a story when it's taking place present tense, just because it seems...well...silly and untrue. You hardly ever read published literature in the present tense, so maybe we're snobs now from reading so many past tense books. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like it. If you like it, that's just fine, I'm only sharing my opinions, okay? = )

Another thing about present tense is that it's hard to keep going. It's hard to stay consistant in a tense you're not used to reading. I think at a base level we all want to write in past tense, even if we don't know it...our language just seems made for it. So a lot of times in a present tense story we'll slip and write something in past tense:

I grab the dishrag, let the water drain and wiped off the countertop.

See, your first two actions are present tense, but then you slip into past tense with wiped.

Another thing I didn't like about this story overall is the "you" and "your" etc. 2nd person is hard to pull off...well, actually, I've never read a story where I enjoyed 2nd person. I don't need the actions to be happening to me to enjoy them, and I think most readers feel the same way. There are exceptions, of course, like letters. Letters make more sense in 2nd person.

Something that I personally have a hard time with when writing is how much the character should know about what's going on. When you're writing 1st person, your pov is really limited. When you write past tense, at least you can write as though now the character knows what's happened, and everything they're re-living for your story can be known. Your story includes an intruder coming into the characters home, and you're writing as though she knows it's happening. In a past tense story, I wouldn't have minded this, but in a present tense story it boggles the mind.

I was so dizzy from fear and wine that all I do is lay there and wait.

Another tense switch. You should have written "I am" instead of "I was."

This intruder didn't even know me and he was taking the time to ask if I was all right after all that he has done!

Even in a present tense story there are times you can slip into past tense - the character HAS done these things, so you can write "had" - get what I'm saying? He's already done them, so even if he's still continuing she has the memory of what he's done. So it should be in past tense "All that he had done."

By the time my head is clear enough to give him a controlled answer he had grabbed me and turned me away from him.

another tense switch. tsk tsk tsk. It is much easier to avoid the switches if you keep everything in past tense. At least you always know to write the past tense of things = )

The switches happen more frequently on the second page. If I were you I would at least go back and change them, resubmit the story in present tense with everything in present tense.

At times I felt as though your story was choppy...the sentences too short and not descriptive enough. At other times I felt as though your descriptions were very long, but uninteresting...you need to find a balance. There's no need to write and write and write about one thing. Go from one to another, but don't write every detail. Keep it simple and easy to read.

I close my eyes as the wine makes it way down and warms my spirit a bit. I look at the glass still on the counter and see that I have just one swallow to go and I will be complete. A cold shiver runs down my spine all of a sudden. I shrug it off as I drain the final contents of the glass.

First, it should be posessive...its. or is it it's? I think it's its...argh! (let someone better than me deal with that) Second, the second highlighted part really confused me. She'll be complete? Maybe the word choice isn't the best. Thirdly, personally, I think that it would sound better if you wrote "I glance at the glass on the counter" rather than "look" - sometimes putting more specific words, such as stare, glance, peer, etc instead of "look" makes a paragraph sound better.

The back of my dress is now wet from being up against him…he must have come from outside…during the storm, but when…how…

As a rule, I try to use very few "..." because they start to, well, get old. When I find myself using too many of these, I go back and see what changes I can make. For instance in this sentence I would write:

The back of my dress is now wet from being up against him; obviously he has just come in from the storm.

And then instead on "but when...how..." I would write "my mind sought for any memory of when and how he could have gotten inside."

More specific problems:

I can here the rain beginning to hit the patio.

Simple, tiny mistake. The biggest problem with having the wrong word in this sentence is that it's the first sentence of the story. Some picky, evil people will go straight to sending you nasty, nasty feedback at this sort of thing. Personally, I usually click back when I come across a mistake so soon. But it *is*
understandable.

I could here the disappointment in your voice.

Ah, but here it happens again. Since the same mistake is made in two paragraphs, I'm thinking maybe you don't know you're making it. The word here should be hear - An easy way to remember this is that you hear with your ear - the word ear belongs in the word hear when you're listening.

I can here you teasing me as you always do...

Yep. It happened again. If you want to fix this problem, you might try doing a search in your word processing program for the word "here" and check to make sure it's used correctly each time...not the wrong kind of word or anything.

I curse aloud as I stand their one arm on the countertop and the other stretched out before me.

Just another case of "wrong word" - you're looking for there. "Their" is posessive. "I've got their dog for the weekend." Your character is standing "there" as in a place. "I went there last night." "I went there last night with their dog."

Tears are peaking out from underneath my blindfold...

Mountains have peaks. People peek at things they're curious about.

How much longer I thought?

How much longer I thought? I don't know, how much longer? It's difficult to say what to do here, because in a first person story you really don't need to seperate what the character is thinking. "I wondered how much longer this could go on." Also you could put the thoughts in italics: "How much longer? I thought to myself."

I could here myself answer him with a meek voice the word "Yes".

There isn't much conversation in this story so I can't tell if you make this mistake as a habit, but quotation marks need to be on the outside of periods, commas, etc. it should read:

I could hear myself answer him with a meek voice the word "yes."

But, also, the sentence doesn't make much sense. "with a meek voice the word" hurts me. You should try rephrasing it so that it's clearer for your readers what's going on.

 

[D Ray]

Thank you for your comments. I will take them into consideration. My style is different I admit and I want to perfect my own style. Your comments were very helpful.

 

[Chicklet]

Thank you for your comments. I will take them into consideration. My style is different I admit and I want to perfect my own style. Your comments were very helpful.

I know exactly what you're saying = ) Personally, people are always telling me I use "too many words" and I'm like "screw off!" grin.

Good luck and stick to yourself.

 

[Erotic Author]

I wanted to let you know that I liked your story "Intruder Within" a lot.

I do have to say that Chicklet's assessment is accurate.

Misspelled words and grammatical errors seem to be an irritant for many readers, myself included.

It felt as though you put your heart into the story.

I will be reading more of your work.

 

[ScottishChieftan]

Myself. I don't think I could tire of reading your stories. I read "Intruder Within" and "Up Lifting", thoroughly enjoying the both of them.

You paint a nice picture and draw your reader into the story completely.

I look forward to your next effort!

Bodie

 

[D Ray]

Thanks, Scottish & Erotic

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I admit that "grammer" and spelling have never been my strong point. Since posting on here for feedback and reading some of the comments I have asked a friend to assist me with that area.

I'm very interested in getting some of my work published and an interest has been expressed to me in order to do just that! However, I feel that I need improvement and the feedback that I have received so far has been very helpful and encouraging. Exactly what I need! Please keep it coming!!