My Sexy Housefellow

[BustingOut]

My Sexy Housefellow is an erotic couplings story about the instant sexual connection between a college freshman and the upperclassman student leader (housefellow) of his dorm.

This is my first story. I've gotten good ratings but have not received very much in terms of constructive criticism. I'm mostly hopng for thoughts about character and plot development as well as dialogue, but I'd be happy to read anything you have to say.

My main goal is achieving a sense of realism. It is wrtten in first person past tense and I'm hoping that the reader will think that the story is completely non-fiction. I wish it was, but unfortunately it is completely made up.

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

Hi,

I read 'My Sexy Housefellow' to the point when the couple kisses. The characters and the story are both believable enough and the writing is pretty good too. I only noticed one typo ("... see if they eventually leaves.") and a missing comma or two.

The opening was a little clumsy, especially that first line. Tom's father really has nothing to do with the story and even after that the tale is pretty dry until Tom finds the hanger on the door. Since there really isn't much of a plot anyway, this might have been a better point to start.

Like I said before, the writing is pretty good, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be a little better. My foremost suggestion would be to not stop the action to explain things so much. For instance:
I was so relieved that she wasn't irritated at me; in fact she seemed to rather enjoy the inherent humor in the situation. Plus, as I've since come to learn, she is the type of person who really enjoys helping people out. She will give of herself whatever she can, and will never complain, no matter how much she is inconvenienced. She truly finds a great deal of satisfaction and joy in knowing that she has helped turn somebody's day or life around, and she finds the same level of satisfaction in each.
Especially since Tom will only learn this later, I don't think the reader needs to know it at this point, so why stop the action to tell about it? Also, what did she say or do to give him the impression that she enjoyed the inherent humor? Whatever it was, the reader should see it and then you wouldn't need to tell the reader about it.
Something like this works so much better when it comes to showing what a character is feeling:
She raised her eyebrows just a little bit, giggled, and then gave me that same beautiful smile that I got from her the day before.

Ok, that's one suggestion on how you might make your next story a little more engrossing: more action and less explanation.

Happy New Year and Go Packers!