my secret confession
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Havocman
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 26, 1999
- Posts
- 573
Damn it all...just when I stop in to get the scoop on Literotica's latest Gender Identity Crisis...Come on with a name like "Shylady" you know you were all thinking the same thing...lol...anyway, jokes huh? Well here's one my favorite little Bluegirl sent me just the other day:
Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter says to the the
first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."
The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in.
The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"
Havoc
Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter says to the the
first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."
The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in.
The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"
Havoc
Beebeeblue
Wise Woman
- Joined
- Oct 4, 1999
- Posts
- 3,281
Yup...Ill take the blame for that one. Im so bad. And heres another...
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When
I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand
there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh,
please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly,
that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this
ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated
by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight
all the while.
And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's
left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
[This message has been edited by beebeeblue (edited 06-04-2000).]
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When
I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand
there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh,
please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly,
that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this
ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated
by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight
all the while.
And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's
left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
[This message has been edited by beebeeblue (edited 06-04-2000).]
Walks quietly down corridor. Stops at Shyladys door. Sprays door hinges with WD-40. Waits a moment, then enters room. Hmmm Shylady is staring out window, oblivious to all else. Sneaks up behing her, encircles her waist with my arms, turns her around, bends her over backward, plants a big, wet tonsil tickling kiss on her.
If the thought of THAT don't get you ROTF laughing, I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kisses shylady
Bud
If the thought of THAT don't get you ROTF laughing, I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kisses shylady
Bud
ShyGoddess
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 28, 2000
- Posts
- 425
Don't feel bad ShyLady. Like you, I'm plagued by laughter when I hear a corny joke. I laugh so hard, tears come out of my eyes. It's sad I know. *sigh* but what can you do? And to beebeeblue. That joke was awesome. Well done.
Magic Merlin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2000
- Posts
- 1,013
A real big guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Althought the little fellow is staring at him intently,the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close
range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised--and startingly flattered--the big guy thanks the midget and starts to move
away. "Listen sir, I know this is a rather strange request,"says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I jump!"
______________________
A little guy gets in an elevator one day and inside is the biggest guy he has ever seen. They both stand there for while when all of a sudden the little guy looks up at the big guy questionly. Before the little guy can say anything the big guy says, "6-foot 9-inches."
The little guy stands there for a while thinking about that and looks at the big guy again. The big guy looks at him and says, "370 pounds."
Damn, thinks the little guy, this is one big dude. Curious, the little guy looks at the big guy again and before he can say anything, the big guy says, "Turner Brown." The little guy looks at him with wide eyes and stutter, "What did you say."
The big guy says, "Turner Brown."
Well, all of a sudden the little fellow feels light headed and faints, falling on the floor. A few minutes later the little guy comes to, with the big guy kneeling down and looking at him. The big guy says, 'What happened to you? Why did you faint?'
The little guy looks up and says, 'What did you say to me?'
The big guy says, 'I said my name is Turner Brown.'
'Oh, thank god', says the little fellow, 'I thought you said Turn Around.'
[This message has been edited by magic merlin (edited 06-04-2000).]
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close
range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised--and startingly flattered--the big guy thanks the midget and starts to move
away. "Listen sir, I know this is a rather strange request,"says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I jump!"
______________________
A little guy gets in an elevator one day and inside is the biggest guy he has ever seen. They both stand there for while when all of a sudden the little guy looks up at the big guy questionly. Before the little guy can say anything the big guy says, "6-foot 9-inches."
The little guy stands there for a while thinking about that and looks at the big guy again. The big guy looks at him and says, "370 pounds."
Damn, thinks the little guy, this is one big dude. Curious, the little guy looks at the big guy again and before he can say anything, the big guy says, "Turner Brown." The little guy looks at him with wide eyes and stutter, "What did you say."
The big guy says, "Turner Brown."
Well, all of a sudden the little fellow feels light headed and faints, falling on the floor. A few minutes later the little guy comes to, with the big guy kneeling down and looking at him. The big guy says, 'What happened to you? Why did you faint?'
The little guy looks up and says, 'What did you say to me?'
The big guy says, 'I said my name is Turner Brown.'
'Oh, thank god', says the little fellow, 'I thought you said Turn Around.'
[This message has been edited by magic merlin (edited 06-04-2000).]
SimplySouthern
Smooth Up In Ya!
- Joined
- May 29, 2000
- Posts
- 11,775
Alrighty...this joke comes directly from the mouth of a 5-year old, so it is probably as corny as it gets!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A WALK
~Southern~
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A WALK
~Southern~
G
Guest
Guest
Okay okay, stop me if you've heard this one! Two men walk into a bar...
The third one ducks!
The third one ducks!
G
Guest
Guest
How does a blonde turn on a light in the morning?
Opens the car door!
Opens the car door!
Magic Merlin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2000
- Posts
- 1,013
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
Rosebud
Little One
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2000
- Posts
- 3,517
What does Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
You have to wait for an hour for a ride.
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to
heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I
will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his
room. It was very small with a small bed and a
small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room
with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and
pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?'
'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and
lawyers, well, your the first one.' *sorry slut_boy*
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a toilet
You have to wait for an hour for a ride.
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to
heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I
will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his
room. It was very small with a small bed and a
small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room
with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and
pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?'
'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and
lawyers, well, your the first one.' *sorry slut_boy*
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a toilet
Beebeeblue
Wise Woman
- Joined
- Oct 4, 1999
- Posts
- 3,281
Tarzan and Jane were waliking one day in the Jungle. Jane asked him what he did for sex. Tarzan didnt understand, so she explained it to him. "Oh," he says "Tarzan use hole in tree." "You dont have to do that anymore Tarzan," she tells him, and proceeds to strip naked and lie on the ground. Tarzan takes a moment to look at her and gives her an almighty kick in the crotch. Breathless, Jane asked why he kicked her. "Tarzan not stupid," he replied "check for bees."
Carl East
I finally found the ONE!
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2000
- Posts
- 3,219
Here's one.
My wife started to remove my clothes, and kiss me all over, then I removed her clothes and did the same.
Then we got down to business, and I was really giving it to her.
Her screams of pleasure, were really turning me on, then we heard a voice saying,
"You two, get off this bus."
Carl.
My wife started to remove my clothes, and kiss me all over, then I removed her clothes and did the same.
Then we got down to business, and I was really giving it to her.
Her screams of pleasure, were really turning me on, then we heard a voice saying,
"You two, get off this bus."
Carl.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
These are my two favorite jokes of all time. They may not translate into print with the same effect that acting out the part of the little boy gives them, but here they are anyway.
Goddamn Ants. (To be told sitting with legs crossed and pressing thumb to ground in front of you.)
A little boy is sitting on the curb near an abandoned candy bar. As the line of ants run to and from the candy bar, he is squashing them with a firm twisting motion of his thumb. A little girl goes over to see what he's up to.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
"I'm killing these Goddamned ants."
He continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"Ooh gross," the little girl exclaims. "I'm going to tell my Mommy that you're cussing."
The little girl flounces off to tattle to her mother. A few minutes later, a matronly woman comes over.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
"I'm killing these Goddamned ants."
He continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"You are a horrible little boy! Stop that right now!"
"No way! I'm gonna kill all of these Goddamned ants!"
The matronly lady storms off in a huff at the little boy's rudeness. Being a gossipy type, she immediately reports him to the parish priest. Since she's not the first to report this strange behavior to him, he decides it's time to investigate.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
The little boy ignores him and continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"Why are you doing this? Don't you know that God created all things with a purpose? What harm have those ants ever done you?"
The little boy ignores him and continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
The priest remonstrates with the boy for a bit longer and is totally ignored.
Finally, in desperation he demands, "All right, you just name me three things that God created that are not beautiful and useful!"
The little boy ignores him for another minute before answering.
"Tits on a nun..." <squish> "Balls on a priest..." <squish> "And these Goddamned ants! <Emphatic squish>
---
Stirrin' And Amixin'
A little boy is sitting on the curb with a two-pound coffee can between his legs. He is stirring the contents of the can with a stick. He sits there stirring intently for several hours, never looking up from the contents of his can.
A hooker watches him for a while and lacking any business, she goes over to make some idle conversation.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
"I'm astirrin' and amixin'."
"That's nice. What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
"Chickenshit and water."
"Ewww! What is it you think you're going to make with that."
The little boy looks her straight in the eye.
"A prostitute."
The hooker storms off in a huff.
A bit later, a hot dog vender notices the little boy intently stirring the contents of his can. Since business is slow, he decides to make a little idle conversation.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
"I'm astirrin' and amixin'."
"That's nice. What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
"Chickenshit and water."
"Ewww! What is it you think you're going to make with that."
The little boy looks him straight in the eye.
"A hot-dog vender."
The hotdog vender storms off in a huff.
The scene is repeated over the course of several hours with various people being intrigued and then insulted.
Finally the policeman on the beat gets wind of the situation and decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
The boy's only response is silence.
"You wouldn't by chance be astirrin' and amixin'."
The policeman could have gotten more response from a brick wall.
"What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
The boy continues stirring without acknowledging the policeman's presence.
"You wouldn't be stirring chickenshit and water, now would you?"
The silent treatment continues.
"Now just what is it you think you're going to make with that."
More silence. The policeman has caught on that the boy is insulting whoever accosts him. He decides to push the issue.
"You wouldn't be thinking of making a policeman, now would you?"
This finally gets a reaction from the boy. He looks up and stares into the policeman's eyes for a few seconds.
"No, sir. I wouldn't even think of trying to make a policeman."
"Well at least you're smart enough not to try that on me."
"Oh no, sir, that's not it. I just don't have enough chickenshit."
Goddamn Ants. (To be told sitting with legs crossed and pressing thumb to ground in front of you.)
A little boy is sitting on the curb near an abandoned candy bar. As the line of ants run to and from the candy bar, he is squashing them with a firm twisting motion of his thumb. A little girl goes over to see what he's up to.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
"I'm killing these Goddamned ants."
He continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"Ooh gross," the little girl exclaims. "I'm going to tell my Mommy that you're cussing."
The little girl flounces off to tattle to her mother. A few minutes later, a matronly woman comes over.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
"I'm killing these Goddamned ants."
He continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"You are a horrible little boy! Stop that right now!"
"No way! I'm gonna kill all of these Goddamned ants!"
The matronly lady storms off in a huff at the little boy's rudeness. Being a gossipy type, she immediately reports him to the parish priest. Since she's not the first to report this strange behavior to him, he decides it's time to investigate.
"Whatcha doin' little boy?"
The little boy ignores him and continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
"Why are you doing this? Don't you know that God created all things with a purpose? What harm have those ants ever done you?"
The little boy ignores him and continues his methodical extermination of the ants.
"Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish> "Goddamned ants!" <Squish>
The priest remonstrates with the boy for a bit longer and is totally ignored.
Finally, in desperation he demands, "All right, you just name me three things that God created that are not beautiful and useful!"
The little boy ignores him for another minute before answering.
"Tits on a nun..." <squish> "Balls on a priest..." <squish> "And these Goddamned ants! <Emphatic squish>
---
Stirrin' And Amixin'
A little boy is sitting on the curb with a two-pound coffee can between his legs. He is stirring the contents of the can with a stick. He sits there stirring intently for several hours, never looking up from the contents of his can.
A hooker watches him for a while and lacking any business, she goes over to make some idle conversation.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
"I'm astirrin' and amixin'."
"That's nice. What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
"Chickenshit and water."
"Ewww! What is it you think you're going to make with that."
The little boy looks her straight in the eye.
"A prostitute."
The hooker storms off in a huff.
A bit later, a hot dog vender notices the little boy intently stirring the contents of his can. Since business is slow, he decides to make a little idle conversation.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
"I'm astirrin' and amixin'."
"That's nice. What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
"Chickenshit and water."
"Ewww! What is it you think you're going to make with that."
The little boy looks him straight in the eye.
"A hot-dog vender."
The hotdog vender storms off in a huff.
The scene is repeated over the course of several hours with various people being intrigued and then insulted.
Finally the policeman on the beat gets wind of the situation and decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin little boy?"
The boy's only response is silence.
"You wouldn't by chance be astirrin' and amixin'."
The policeman could have gotten more response from a brick wall.
"What is it you're stirring and mixing?"
The boy continues stirring without acknowledging the policeman's presence.
"You wouldn't be stirring chickenshit and water, now would you?"
The silent treatment continues.
"Now just what is it you think you're going to make with that."
More silence. The policeman has caught on that the boy is insulting whoever accosts him. He decides to push the issue.
"You wouldn't be thinking of making a policeman, now would you?"
This finally gets a reaction from the boy. He looks up and stares into the policeman's eyes for a few seconds.
"No, sir. I wouldn't even think of trying to make a policeman."
"Well at least you're smart enough not to try that on me."
"Oh no, sir, that's not it. I just don't have enough chickenshit."
G
Guest
Guest
Here's one, I hope you like it.
A man was going down on his new girlfriend for the first time....
She keep saying, " make me wet, make me wet. PLeassssssse !!!!!"
So, he threw a glass of water on her.
( having trouble with my registration and user name so using Chatmic2 )
A man was going down on his new girlfriend for the first time....
She keep saying, " make me wet, make me wet. PLeassssssse !!!!!"
So, he threw a glass of water on her.
( having trouble with my registration and user name so using Chatmic2 )
