My Second Story!!

[KinkyFreakyBi-girl]

Hi! I posted a thread titled My First Story and wanted to let people know that the next part to that story was up. I took all the feedback I got and have hopefully written a better story this time. I also tried to get an editor to look at it but after emailing three and not hearing back from them for over a week I said screw it and threw it up. If anyone knows a reliable editor our there could you send them my way? : ) Thanks. And again, any and all feedback(cept for the 10dollar whore and aids comments) are welcome.

Thanks!

 

[Ray Dario]

Oh!, Did you get hit by the notorious "Annonymous Aids Guy"?

I'll have to check out your stories now.

Ray

 

[MysteryWriter]

I know some people who read find julie will not believe this but I do have a very good edit system when I use it. There is a program on zd.net called readplease.... it will read your story back to you in audio. When you hear it believe me all those awkward sentances strike a chord. Okay I just finished using it to edit Find Julie.

 

[P. B. Walker]

KinkyFreakyBi-girl

Finding an editor is like buying a really great pair of new shoes... you really have to shop around alot and try on more than one pair until you find a good fit. Like you, I sent my first story off to one editor and after 2 weeks, gave up. But then I saw a post by WeirdHarold who suggested sending it to like 10 or 12 editors until you find a few you like. I tried that. I only heard back from about 4 or 5. The next story I did the same thing but instead of sending it to the 6 or 7 that didn't reply to the previous story, I picked 6 or 7 new editors, in addition to the 4 or 5 that did respond to the 1st story. I've now found 4 editors that I really like and who compliment each other. One tends to just give me grammar feedback, while another mostly critiques the story and the plot. They all work together to make it a good story. Plus, having 4 sets of eyes look at it is much better than just one. Also, you know you have a good chnace at having a good story if you get 4 people to say "good story, can't wait to see the next one".

Oh, and yes, waiting seems to be the name of the game. Like you, I finish a story and want to get it posted quick (I finished a new story in late Nov, and I'm still tinkering with it and sending it to editors). I generally finish a story, proofread it a few times so there aren't any glaring mistakes and then send it to my list of editors. I ask them in my email when I send it to them that if they are super busy and will not be able to edit it within a specific time period (say 2 or 3 weeks) to please let me know then. I totally understand that editors are people just like us and have busy schedules. No fault there. But it's much better if they just tell you up front that they can't get to it so that you aren't sitting there for weeks and weeks wondering what's going on. This way you can at least send it off to another editor. I've found that 2 or 3 weeks is pretty much the norm for getting a story edited, unless it's very short (under 1500 words). And no matter how many times I proofread my stories and think I've caught all the errors, they always find more or have some excellent advice to make the story better. I think you will be very happy once you find 2 or 3 or 4 editors that you really like and can build up a working relationship with.

Hope that helps in your search.

Oh yeah.. and I will definitely check out your new story since I enjoyed the first one alot Will get back to you on that... (I'm at work so I gotta sneak read it hehehe... and you know they seem to frown on employees walking around with boners for some reason... mmm)

- PBW

 

[P. B. Walker]

Definite Improvement

KinkyFreakyBi-girl,

Arrrggh.. I had your review all typed up and almost ready to submit when IE locked up on me and I had to reboot. I lost the entire thing! Fricking Microsoft. I will try to recreate what I had typed up as best I can

Wow.. you definitely are showing marked improvement between your first story and the second. I thought the plot and storyline was very good and it's definitely moving on along the same line as the first story. I can see the story is progressing very well. It's a good topic and definitely hot. These are two very naughty girls <grin>. And sooo kinky!

I would highly recommend you find a few editors you like and feel comfortable with and start to use them. No writer can crank out a perfect story. I'm almost positive all the great writers here use an editor(s), either from here or elsewhere. While your story was hot and kinky, it has quite a few grammatical errors, awkward sentences, and poor word choices. Plus one or two logical errors. With a few fixes here and there I think this could be a great story. I can tell you are used to either talking on bulletin boards or internet chat alot. There are certain practices and protocols that are standard with those that make for poor writing and bad grammar. I have been doing internet chat and bulletin boards for many years myself, so I can definitely see how you got into this writing style. It's a hard habit to break. These kinds of errors are:

1) Using all caps. Try to refrain from this. You should show not tell. Unlike with BB/chat you have an almost unlimited chance to describe the action anyway you like it.

2) Long drawn out words. "YEEESSSSSSSSSS". Most readers don't like them and tend to just skip over them. Intead you can describe it. Remember, Show, Don't Tell. For example:

"Yes!" Amanda wailed in a long drawn out scream until the air was completely exhausted from her burning lungs.

3) Using multiple punctuation like '!'. You tend to do alot of this: "Oh FUCCCKK!!!!". Just one is fine. It's better to make the story grammatically correct when you write.

"Oh, Fuck!" Samatha bellowed as her cunt spasmed around his thick pole.

Readers will appreciate that more.

Now some other problems I saw....

4) You have a few instances where you have the character think things to themselves. For example:
'It taste so good!' she thought to herself as she licked up all the juices that were forming around her finger.

Don't say "thought to herself". Either just say "It tastes so good, she thought as she licked up all the...

Or you can make each thought a separate sentence and denote it with italics.

Natalie licked and sucked up the juices that had formed around her finger. It taste so good.

5) These are some logical errors I saw:

That sent Amanda over the edge, she through he head back, her body arched and she came so very hard that her whole body shook uncontrollably.

I think you meant "threw" or maybe "tossed".

"Oh, yes I am coming for you Natalie, yes! Taste my cum! God, taste it!! Drink my cum, baby! Drink it! Yes! Fuck that feels so fucking good!! FUUUUCK!!!" Amanda screamed as she came hard for Natalie.

You don't need to retell us she's cumming. She says that in the dialogue. You should just end it with Amanda screamed.

Licking it off her fingers at first and then riding out Amanda's orgasm with her tongue deep inside her pussy.

I'm not sure about you... but if I stopped fingering a woman in middle of her orgasm she'd probably kick me in the head. I think what you probably meant to say was that she finished her off with her fingers in her pussy... and then slid her tongue inside her to suck her cum out after she had cum.

"Oh, Natalie. That was so great. I came so damn hard." Amanda said as she relaxed in bed. Natalie laid down next to her.

At this point Natalie has just finished making her cum and is between Amanda's thighs. She never got up. So it would be better to say Natalie slid or moved or crawled up next to her. Word choice is very important throughout the story.

"It feels very good, Mistress. Thank you." Natalie innocently said. "Such a good whore. I will repay you for that." Amanda said reaching into the drawer by the bed. When her hand reappeared she had in it a blue vibrator, about 9 inches long and an inch and a half wide. "Now it's about time we fuck your sweet little cunt, isn't it? Would you like that?" Amanda asked.

"Yes. Yes, please, Mistress." Natalie moaned.

Never put two characters dialogue into the same paragraph. You did it a few times, but I only pointed out this one time. Also, if a character says something with a '?' at the end of it, then we know it's a question. You don't need to follow it up with a tag saying she asked. Plus, most tags should just be "said". Rarely should you make them different. You should show how they spoke and not tell. There are exceptions, but keep the different tags (pleaded, asked, screamed, yelled, etc) to a minimum. Also, sizes don't need to be guessed since you know the sizes. Unless the character is looking at something without a ruler and trying to guess, you know how big something is. So this would look better as:

"It feels very good, Mistress. Thank you." Natalie said with false innocence.

"Such a good whore. I will repay you for that," Amanda said with sincerity

Amanda reached into the drawer by the bed. When her hand reappeared she had in it a blue vibrator that was 9 inches long and an inch and a half wide.

"Now it's about time we fuck your sweet little cunt, isn't it? Would you like that?"

"Yes. Yes, please Mistress!" Natalie said with a pleading moan.


Also, when you tag dialogue there is a specific grammar you should follow. Whispersecret wrote a quick and dirty tutorial on how to do it in the Author's Resources area of the main Literotica webpage.

She stopped licking Natalie's clit and fucking her pussy and got on her knees.

This is an example of one of the awkward sentences I found. It's too many "and's". I did this and then I did that and then I went there and finally I came home. See what I mean? Maybe something like this:

Amanda pulled her face away from Natalie's clit and pushed herself up to her knees, leaving the vibrator to buzz inside Natalie's clutching cunt.


Sorry to seem like I'm ripping your story apart, I'm not trying to. It is a very hot story in my opinion and I think with a little work you can become a very good writer. You've definitely got some hot kinky ideas. Please keep at it and I am definitely looking forward to reading the next chapter in this saga.

- PBW

 

[KinkyFreakyBi-girl]

WOW

And here I thought I had done a lot better. : ) Thanks for the tips, I'll definately find an editor or feel your wrath. hehe : )

Amanda

 

[P. B. Walker]

Acck... no wrath here <grin>. And trust me.. I think you definitely did better. It's a slow process. I've been working my ass off to get better since I started writing again in Nov.

The other tip I was gonna mention (but got lost when my damn puter locked up) was that once you finish a story... let it sit for a week and don't even look at it at all. Then go back and re-read it. You'll catch quite a few errors. I know I do.

Please... keep up the good work

- PBW