My Second story...

[PJeremy]

My Second story... (Feedback Please)

Still learning and the feedback I got last time, I think, really helped this story. Thanks all who contributed to this learning process.

I hope to continue improving. If anyone has any feedback on this one, please let me know.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306663

It is in the incest/taboo section so if that is not your thing, I completely understand. It is called "Babysitting at Aunt Patty's Part I" and I hope to continue with a few more parts.

Thanks again all.

 

[Nasha]

Hey, Pjeremy.

I had a look at “Babysitting at Aunt Patty's." You've got a good grasp of language and a nice storytelling voice. The prose flows along well.

I think you should give some attention to structuring your story, though. In such a short story, you can't really afford to spend three paragraphs detailing your main character's life-long babysitting history. Especially not the first three paragraphs. If your opening doesn't grab the reader, you'll lose her. Think carefully about every sentence, every piece of information. Is it crucial to this story that I know the narrator had to leave his car at home his freshman year at college, because there's not enough parking for everyone? No? Dump it.

I do like the initial set-up: that it's his first weekend home from college and he's being guilted into babysitting adds a nice bit of tension to your story.

Phrases like this one are a bit much, and recur in a few places in the story:

I had thought about her on occasion, but now I was face to face with her and I couldn't stop being so drawn to my own aunt.

It's much more effective when you show us his attraction, and his reluctance, which you do well without waving a big red “incest” flag every few paragraphs. I don't know though, I suppose the “do you want to fuck your aunt” talk probably does work on a certain level, for those who are turned on by the incest taboo (personally, I'm neither squicked nor turned on by that theme, so those phrases just stand out as a bit awkward/porny to me—these things are terribly subjective).

Overall, you do a nice job building up the sexual tension, and give some good, vivid descriptions that play on all the senses.

I hope that's helpful.

-Nasha

 

[PJeremy]

It is extremely helpful, thank you very much!

 

[PJeremy]

The thing with the incest talk, and I know exactly what you mean, is that I have never written a story in this genre before, and wasn't sure how much people really were into that, meaning, how much I should highlight the fact that it is his aunt... I was trying not to be cheesy with that but apparently failed LOL.

 

[Nasha]

The thing with the incest talk, and I know exactly what you mean, is that I have never written a story in this genre before, and wasn't sure how much people really were into that, meaning, how much I should highlight the fact that it is his aunt... I was trying not to be cheesy with that but apparently failed LOL.

In general, I'd guess there are people who really respond to that kind of verbalization, and people who just find it sounds fake, so it pulls them out of the story. And I'd guess that's true, whether the line is, "Oh, yeah, suck it, Aunt Patty," or whether it's "Oh yeah, fuck my wife's tight little hole with your big cock," or what have you.

I've written entire scenes where one character is outside the action, telling others what to do, just to explore that whole verbalizing thing.

The tricky thing is, if you're going for realism, finding a way to work that sort of talk in, in a way that's remotely believable. In an incest story, if you're trying to go for realism (which is a pretty high hurdle, but I believe it can be done) I think you have to decide if your characters are doing what they're doing because they're irresistably attracted to each other, or if they're doing it because the taboo itself is exciting to them. In your story, I could actually see you having your narrator have an intense crush on his aunt, and have the aunt be turned on by the taboo thing. Then it's natural, part of her character, to say things like "You like licking your aunt's pussy?" etc. She's getting off on that kind of dirty talk--it's not just contrived for the reader's sake.

 

[PJeremy]

Terrific advice, thank you.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The first three paragraphs really drag this story down. This you telling me and I'm not sure it's really needed to the story. You talk about how you were the family baby sitter, then you go off to college. Why do I even need to know that? Your story begins at paragraph five. That paragraph should begin -

Dad picked me up at the train station the first day of my summer break from college...

That says it all.

Then when you get to Patty's you launched into a long discription of her that lasts 14 screen lines. Learn to give your readers some credit and give them just enough to form their own image. And NEVER use numbers unless there is a genuine need. I don't care if she's 5-10, 130 pounds with 48DDD tits. If she were a dwarf at 3-2, I would care, but not in the case of Patty. (There's a story there, by the way.)

From that point on, the story seems a bit contrived and certainly predictable. It would have been better if you had given Patty some speech characteristic that differed from "I" and if you had worked the lead-in to the tryst a little more. God, "I" jacks off on her panties, she may or may not have caught him. Then he goes down stairs. Then back up the stairs and Patty is all hot an horny. That just doesn't work for me.

From that point, the story is predictable and trite. It could have been a passion filled scene, but it comes across as stroke.

Next time, send your story to me before you post it, and we'll work out the kinks first. This could have been a pretty good story, but it falls down because of a few things you seem to have rushed.