My second story: 'The Christmas in July Luau' - feedback requested!

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

(already posted this elsewhere, but I have no idea how tribal the sub-forums are, just wanna get it out there)

I proudly present to Literotica my magnum incest opus (for Summer Lovin' 2020):

‘The Christmas In July Luau’

It’s long, it’s first person, and it’s about a 19-year-old girl and one and a half summers of her life. It’s... well, it might be the best thing I’ll ever write, that’s how it feels right now. I don’t know how I’ll top it—I’m spent, people. I just loved writing it, and I have seriously read one paragraph like 100 times (if you can guess that paragraph correctly I’ll... I don’t know, actually haha). I did not know I had this in me, but Covid spare time + Lit has scooped it out of my dark lurking monkey mind and slapped it into the sex cream cone for you and your people to lick. Oof. Sorry.

This thing, dudes and dudettes—shit. I’m new to the site, and I read about the contests. The limited theme appealed to me, but I’m not entirely sure everyone will agree that this story counts. I’m certain it does, but I’ll wait for feedback—if it doesn’t, I’ll totally hear you out. As soon as I heard about the contests, I immediately began concocting my twisted as fuck story for Nude Day, but it was too late for that—I’ll have to wait for next summer to get that one in. I thought about the Summer Lovin’ contest about two weeks ago, and I was picturing pools, and beaches, and people doing fun sex stuff and smiling and having fun, and you know I just, I don’t know, I wasn’t really vibing the whole summ—

BAM! Holy FUCK didn’t this thing just all hit me in the head in like one second. The new job, the show, and the end (you’ll know about these if you read it). I had it, but I had like, what, zero time to fucking get it down? I spent nights and mornings and nights and nights and all the nights ever losing feeling in my hands typing this one out so I could get it in by the dreaded dreadline. Go to town, critics, and if you’re going to give feedback, please do not have one fucking milli-whatever of mercy.

I want you to bring it, and bring it hard and mean. I’m that way! I appreciate it. I want to get better at this new craft of mine, please. I mean, in the future at least—I’m taking a break from this word jungle for a little bit. Gotta heal up.

Love,

Holly

 

[Silverslacker70]

That's seriously sexy writing, with some nice about life thrown in. Following with respect.

 

[8letters]

First off, I recommend you read LC's Write Incest like a Mother Fucker. He covers a lot of good stuff that really applies to this story.

Let's start with your story title. It would have been nice if the title had given us a hint as to the type of incest. Yours is a daughter-dad story and there's nothing there to tip off d-D fans that they should read your story. My guess from your title and description was that the Christmas in July luau was going to be the culminating event of the story; that she'd see some incestuous sex at her family's summer luau and then she'd have some herself. Maybe there'd be a family orgy.

Yours is a very slow story filled with lots of events that have nothing to do with the I/T part of the story. My guess would be that many people stopped reading after a page or two. Your opening paragraph drops some hints as to what the story is about, but there's no more hints after that for a long time. The story doesn't really start until the bottom of the first page, and then it's about Colleen's career as a prostitute for several pages. The luau doesn't get mentioned until the middle of page 3. You could have mentioned it a lot earlier. The dad teaches Colleen how to drive in the middle of page 1, and then disappears for a while. It's page 5 where she starts thinking sexually about him. That's a long way for an I/T story to go without any I/T erotic tension.

The story wasn't my cup of tea. Prostitution holds no appeal for me. Keith turned me off. I just skipped around after his first scene. My guess is that the people who make it past page 5 will really like your story.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Hey thanks! I gotcha

I'd love to win the Summer Lovin' contest, that would be sweet, really. However, my ultimate motivator for this story was to concoct a slow, slow buildup to what I personally conceived as a plausible way for this young girl to become obsessed with... getting this thing to happen. Judging from the comments on the story so far, it's speaking to some people out there. I am sorry it didn't speak to you, but I do thank you so much for taking your time to read the story and then offer your opinion. I respect it, and I don't take criticism personally--criticism is meant to help you find mistakes, find plot holes, but mainly to help you shape your own design and interpretation of your work.

I loved that she became this wild prostitute in a comfortable world. Keith? Yeah I get that he's not everyone's thing, but once he showed up, he was this kind of force in the story, like a bookend, and I couldn't get rid of him. That's just writin'. I can't pigeonhole my work, though, and conform to any certain kinds of incest erotica or general erotica. With my other piece (The Dream Girls - 3 parts so far) there is literally almost no story at all. This time, I wanted to tell a dense, detailed and rich story peppered with different sexual scenarios of differing sizes, throw that insanity in the middle in there, then culminate in the blast at the end. I think some readers are getting that, and so my job is done.

The title, and the vague hints. Yep. I didn't want people to know exactly where this was going, but I wanted them to think to themselves, what kind of incest? Who? Why? When? What the hell was that first paragraph talking about, and when will I find the hell out? The fact that you thought the luau would be at the end really made me happy--I want to surprise. I do thank you, also, for saying that (I think) the story got really good after page 5.

Again, thanks for your time and your comments, I really love responding to criticism!

Holly

First off, I recommend you read LC's Write Incest like a Mother Fucker. He covers a lot of good stuff that really applies to this story.

Let's start with your story title. It would have been nice if the title had given us a hint as to the type of incest. Yours is a daughter-dad story and there's nothing there to tip off d-D fans that they should read your story. My guess from your title and description was that the Christmas in July luau was going to be the culminating event of the story; that she'd see some incestuous sex at her family's summer luau and then she'd have some herself. Maybe there'd be a family orgy.

Yours is a very slow story filled with lots of events that have nothing to do with the I/T part of the story. My guess would be that many people stopped reading after a page or two. Your opening paragraph drops some hints as to what the story is about, but there's no more hints after that for a long time. The story doesn't really start until the bottom of the first page, and then it's about Colleen's career as a prostitute for several pages. The luau doesn't get mentioned until the middle of page 3. You could have mentioned it a lot earlier. The dad teaches Colleen how to drive in the middle of page 1, and then disappears for a while. It's page 5 where she starts thinking sexually about him. That's a long way for an I/T story to go without any I/T erotic tension.

The story wasn't my cup of tea. Prostitution holds no appeal for me. Keith turned me off. I just skipped around after his first scene. My guess is that the people who make it past page 5 will really like your story.

 

[NotWise]

The feeling you expressed about this being such a great story and you can't go beyond it -- that's an emotional trap that you have to get out of. I did the same thing with one of my early stories, and it's still one of my least popular. But you don't care about being popular, right?

The story is:

Innocent girl becomes a summer-time prostitute.
Prostitute sees an incest sex show
Prostitute decides she must fuck her dad.
She fucks her dad and they like it a lot.

I don't share the enthusiasm in the comments you've left up. I think you're writing style is engaging and dynamic, but maybe not for the reasons you think it is.

You use "fuck" and "shit" over and over throughout the story. Those are dead words that express almost nothing. More generally, you narrative style is informal -- sometimes to the point of being empty. Whole paragraphs (sometimes only three words) can be removed without changing anything.

You're story carries on about characters and relationships that are completely irrelevant to the story -- Keith and Jules, for instance.

Through about the first half the story, it's almost all narrative. It's extremely self-centered. You're first-person character is the only character who matters. All the other characters -- even the dad -- are so shallow that if they turned sideways they'd disappear.

The pace of the story was good for me. You usually moved quickly from scene to scene to scene to scene so there wasn't a lot of opportunity to get bored. For me there was also not a lot of opportunity to get engaged.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Oh shit, yes that is the good hurt. Yes, sir, my god I needed that! I am not being sarcastic.

'I left up,' I don't know what that means.

I am going to read back through this thing keeping your perspective in mind. Your negative feedback is crucial to me. It's not exactly about what you prefer in a story, it's really just about the basics of storytelling. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I'll get back to you after I reread it at some point.

Yes!

Oh that feels freakin' good. Yeah, just felt to me like this mouthy girl would be a swear-jar thrower-inner haha.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Ok, and also, your stories are majority above 4.6. Yes, man, that's the clout that I'm fuckin talking a-bout. Teach me up!

I went into the story and apparently you can report comments. I didn't know that. Leave a harsh comment! You'll see that it does not go away. I'm still definitely going to reread it with your perspective in mind, but all of those comments are just the only comments I've gotten, and a handful of people seem to be pretty into my style and the story that I told, and for now that's pretty awesome for me. I've received maybe eight or nine comments through feedback directly to my email through the literotica site, and three of those were intensely negative, and one was just "it's too long, rating of 1".

Going to read some of your stories, and take notes. Again, thanks for reading the entire novella (had no idea it was the length of an actual novella until a comment pointed that out) and then typing up all of your thoughts on it.

That's what I'm here for!

I welcome negative feedback that's really not negative, but constructive. When one lists how many things in my story just wasn't their style, that's not really constructive. Your comments were particularly constructive, in my opinion.

Talk to you

 

[NotWise]

I welcome negative feedback that's really not negative, but constructive. When one lists how many things in my story just wasn't their style, that's not really constructive. Your comments were particularly constructive, in my opinion.

Talk to you

I'm not telling you to write like me. Don't write like me.

I imagine that AMD will pull more of the positive out of your stories. Me? I thought it might work to spank you a little.

I like the flow of your prose -- especially if you can leave out the empty words. The movement and pace are good.

Your character in this story has little or no emotional association with sex. From experience on Lit, readers in most categories want a strong emotional connection between lovers. It's different from porn.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I'm typically the spanker, not the spankee! Haha but yes, I won't write like you, but like they always say, If you want to be a good writer you have to read good writing.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Ok, so I am one page into your story A Christmas Tart, and yeah. Yeah.

Gonna keep reading!

1 minor thing I think I'll say in my defense, is that I seem to be getting comments that are on two extreme sides. Like I said, on my email I have gotten a couple really intensely negative comments, and in this thread I've gotten mostly negative but constructive feedback, but my rating is almost at a 4.5, and the comments tend to trend on the side of oh my god this is so good. We'll see what tomorrow morning's comments bring, however. But I still completely trust your instinct, and look to improve! I'm not in this for defending myself, I just thought that was kind of interesting. Maybe I'm a love/hate kind of writer. I know a few authors like that in the actual published literature world, for sure.

 

[Abbafan]

Many of the titles I come across don't really tell you exactly what kind of sex to expect or who its with. You've always got the short description for that.

I don't think it's important. Just my one little note.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Many of the titles I come across don't really tell you exactly what kind of sex to expect or who its with. You've always got the short description for that.

I don't think it's important. Just my one little note.

Fair, and good. However, no matter the readers who are complaining that they didn't know exactly where it was going to go, that was a deliberate choice on my part that I do not regret.

I realize that the writing on this site is halfway between porn and good stories, and I'm slowly becoming aware of the fact that this is very important to readers. When I watch porn, when I click on a video I definitely know what that video is pretty much going to give me. That's important. From some of the comments I've gotten, it's clear that that kind of control and foreknowledge is very important to them. Maybe I should keep that in mind more when I'm writing, but I can't help myself. My writing just takes me where it goes, it's not the same as filming some people having sex and giving them directions.

But yes, thanks for your advice however small!

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I could have named this piece:

Daughter Sees Sex Show and Wants to Fuck Dad

but it feels like that strips me of the suspense, finesse, and artistry that I felt was important to the piece. I know that title is extreme, but I don't know.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I posted a comment on my own story with every single email-submitted comment--minus email addresses of course--that I got, both positive and negative, so you know that I'm legit. I'll keep doing that too.

I'll never vote for my own story, and I'll never ever delete any comments on any of my stories, even if they say shit like 'you're ugly'.

I have integrity. I don't really care about ratings.

Best,
Holls

 

[8letters]

I could have named this piece:

Daughter Sees Sex Show and Wants to Fuck Dad

How about "Summer Discoveries Lead Me To Dad"?

Holly, I really like you casual, informal style. The story has done very well for an initial story. I think you could write a "smash hit" incest story. But to write a smash hit, I think you would need to play up those things that appeal to I/T readers and cut out those things that don't appeal to I/T readers. It's not clear to me that you're willing to do that.

 

[SimonDoom]

I always check how long a story is before I start reading it, and I don't often read 10-page Literotica stories. But I was intrigued after having read the first chapter of your other story, so I decided to give this one a go.

I enjoy your writing style, so I was fairly well hooked not far into the story. You're good with words, and there's a spirit of madcap, naughty glee that propels your stories forward. I enjoy that. It's edgy, and I like edgy.

I liked that Colleen was very much an agent. She was determined to do what she wanted to do and she did it. No regrets and no shame. I enjoyed following her through her adventures and obsessions.

I enjoyed the story, but I thought it was oddly and somewhat haphazardly constructed. Unlike 8Letters, I enjoyed the prostitution angle, but I thought you needed to do more to tie it in with the second half of the story concerning incest. It's like two different stories, and when I get to the second part with Glen, the dad, I don't know why I've spent so much time reading about all the experiences with Jules and Keith. Keith, in particular, doesn't seem to have anything to do with what ultimately happens in the story.

The biggest weakness of the story is Glen, the dad. I don't know him. You don't introduce him until late in the story, which is, IMO, a mistake. You don't have to make him a big character early on, but you need to introduce him and at least foreshadow what is to come. We need to get some inkling that perhaps he's thought about his daughter in this way -- that he is what he will prove to be later. We need to know something about their relationship -- about who they are and what they mean to each other -- so we WANT them to fuck each other. As it is, that aspect of the story is somewhat flat. All I know about Glen is that he's watched father-daughter porn, and he's a really great lover, but he's not fleshed out enough as a person for me to care as much as I want to care when they get together. The key to an incest story is to present the characters so the reader wants them to fuck each other, despite the taboo. In this case I didn't quite feel that. It was just a weird obsession that Colleen had, and eventually she wore him down. That's not quite satisfying.

I think you should have introduced their relationship at the beginning of the story, and then shifted to the prostitution section, so we at least have Dad in the back of our minds as we read, and there's been some foreshadowing of what's to come. Since you've categorized it as incest we know it's going to happen, anyway, so there's no sense in waiting to "surprise" us. The pre-Dad section could be significantly abbreviated without in anyway sacrificing your unique style, or the portrait of Colleen's sexual desires and activities. There should be more buildup and more dialogue between Colleen and Dad before she says "I want to let you fuck me." I thought that was a curious way to say it, by the way. Wouldnt' she say "I want you to fuck me"? It's a 37,000 word story, which is almost novella length, but there's almost no buildup between them before she says that. It was strange.

Another thing you could have done to tie in the two parts of the story more effectively is to portray their ongoing, nonsexual relationship while she is a prostitute. He wouldn't know, of course, but I think it would have been better if, after or around the time she was trying to seduce him, she told him about being a prostitute, and he was intrigued. That would have been a way of segueing from one series of events to the final one.

You break the fourth wall a lot in this story, sometimes explicitly, as when you referred to it as being a Literotica story, or when you write "You can guess what happened, can't you?" and indirectly, through all the present day narration. I think that's a mistake in an erotic story, except at the end. It's important to keep the reader immersed in the narrative. Stay in the past tense and follow the narrative from start to finish. It also seems unnecessary and distracting, like your mind is jumping around and you feel compelled to share every random thought. I think many of those thoughts can be edited out without losing any of the story's value.

You write sex scenes well. You're good with description and use of words. I'd suggest incorporating more meaningful dialogue in the scenes to move them forward. I feel like the story, including the sex, is too much in Colleen's head. She's a fun, lively, sexy narrator, but I want more of a sense of her partner's character and motivation. That would make it even sexier.

So, to sum it up, I liked it, especially for particular sexy passages or scenes and for Colleen's character and sexual brio, but I felt like more attention could have been paid to establishing the Dad's character and building up to their encounter so by the time it happened we really wanted it to happen. In 37,000 words there's plenty of opportunity to do that.

 

[jsmangis]

Could you help me Holly?

Hello Holly.
Thanks for the e-mail, it was good to hear from you. I have to say that while reading your stories I got the feeling that they seemed all too real to me. While I have published fifty storied on Literotica over the last several years, only one portrayed actual events that happened to me.
I am at an impasse on my story about 'Kassandra, Woman of Mystery'. If you haven't read it, I would appreciate it if you would read all of the chapters I have posted, and give me a little guidance on how I should have my hero, Todd, resolve his romantic involvements.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Hello Holly.
Thanks for the e-mail, it was good to hear from you. I have to say that while reading your stories I got the feeling that they seemed all too real to me. While I have published fifty storied on Literotica over the last several years, only one portrayed actual events that happened to me.
I am at an impasse on my story about 'Kassandra, Woman of Mystery'. If you haven't read it, I would appreciate it if you would read all of the chapters I have posted, and give me a little guidance on how I should have my hero, Todd, resolve his romantic involvements.

Well, I hope I'm not taking something away from your enjoyment of the story, but that entire thing was 100% fiction! I'll try to take a look at your story at some point, and I'll get back to you.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I always check how long a story is before I start reading it, and I don't often read 10-page Literotica stories. But I was intrigued after having read the first chapter of your other story, so I decided to give this one a go.

I enjoy your writing style, so I was fairly well hooked not far into the story. You're good with words, and there's a spirit of madcap, naughty glee that propels your stories forward. I enjoy that. It's edgy, and I like edgy.

I liked that Colleen was very much an agent. She was determined to do what she wanted to do and she did it. No regrets and no shame. I enjoyed following her through her adventures and obsessions.

I enjoyed the story, but I thought it was oddly and somewhat haphazardly constructed. Unlike 8Letters, I enjoyed the prostitution angle, but I thought you needed to do more to tie it in with the second half of the story concerning incest. It's like two different stories, and when I get to the second part with Glen, the dad, I don't know why I've spent so much time reading about all the experiences with Jules and Keith. Keith, in particular, doesn't seem to have anything to do with what ultimately happens in the story.

The biggest weakness of the story is Glen, the dad. I don't know him. You don't introduce him until late in the story, which is, IMO, a mistake. You don't have to make him a big character early on, but you need to introduce him and at least foreshadow what is to come. We need to get some inkling that perhaps he's thought about his daughter in this way -- that he is what he will prove to be later. We need to know something about their relationship -- about who they are and what they mean to each other -- so we WANT them to fuck each other. As it is, that aspect of the story is somewhat flat. All I know about Glen is that he's watched father-daughter porn, and he's a really great lover, but he's not fleshed out enough as a person for me to care as much as I want to care when they get together. The key to an incest story is to present the characters so the reader wants them to fuck each other, despite the taboo. In this case I didn't quite feel that. It was just a weird obsession that Colleen had, and eventually she wore him down. That's not quite satisfying.

I think you should have introduced their relationship at the beginning of the story, and then shifted to the prostitution section, so we at least have Dad in the back of our minds as we read, and there's been some foreshadowing of what's to come. Since you've categorized it as incest we know it's going to happen, anyway, so there's no sense in waiting to "surprise" us. The pre-Dad section could be significantly abbreviated without in anyway sacrificing your unique style, or the portrait of Colleen's sexual desires and activities. There should be more buildup and more dialogue between Colleen and Dad before she says "I want to let you fuck me." I thought that was a curious way to say it, by the way. Wouldnt' she say "I want you to fuck me"? It's a 37,000 word story, which is almost novella length, but there's almost no buildup between them before she says that. It was strange.

Another thing you could have done to tie in the two parts of the story more effectively is to portray their ongoing, nonsexual relationship while she is a prostitute. He wouldn't know, of course, but I think it would have been better if, after or around the time she was trying to seduce him, she told him about being a prostitute, and he was intrigued. That would have been a way of segueing from one series of events to the final one.

You break the fourth wall a lot in this story, sometimes explicitly, as when you referred to it as being a Literotica story, or when you write "You can guess what happened, can't you?" and indirectly, through all the present day narration. I think that's a mistake in an erotic story, except at the end. It's important to keep the reader immersed in the narrative. Stay in the past tense and follow the narrative from start to finish. It also seems unnecessary and distracting, like your mind is jumping around and you feel compelled to share every random thought. I think many of those thoughts can be edited out without losing any of the story's value.

You write sex scenes well. You're good with description and use of words. I'd suggest incorporating more meaningful dialogue in the scenes to move them forward. I feel like the story, including the sex, is too much in Colleen's head. She's a fun, lively, sexy narrator, but I want more of a sense of her partner's character and motivation. That would make it even sexier.

So, to sum it up, I liked it, especially for particular sexy passages or scenes and for Colleen's character and sexual brio, but I felt like more attention could have been paid to establishing the Dad's character and building up to their encounter so by the time it happened we really wanted it to happen. In 37,000 words there's plenty of opportunity to do that.

Simon thank you so much for persevering through my accidental novella! I really had no idea that it was going to turn out that long, but that felt like the right length once I got to the end. So weird.

There's a lot to process here, and go back and think about. So cool getting all these different perspectives! I'll try to respond to this in more detail at some point.

I'm currently sitting on a 4.54 with almost 140 votes, which haha is a few more than the 8 or 10 I got for each of those first pieces. I think this story is definitely less popular with the critics and authors on the board, than it is with people reading it. If I can make it way better than that, with some help from your comments, that would be awesome!

TTYS

Holly

 

[SimonDoom]

A few more thoughts about how you might tie the different strands of this story together, so it coheres in a more satisfactory way:

1. Near the beginning of the story, establish Colleen's relationship with Glen. Establish both of them as appealing characters. Maybe Glen is the role model for Colleen's unconventional attitudes or determination.

2. During the first half of the story, alternate between Colleen's prostitution experience and her interactions with Dad. Dad doesn't know what she's doing, so there's a certain enjoyable tension for the reader between what he thinks he knows -- that his daughter is an engineering student -- and what she's really doing. That could be a lot of fun. Colleen could drop hints that he doesn't pick up on. You have the writing chops to write passages where Colleen and Glen are talking to one another and Glen doesn't quite pick up on what she's really saying but she and the reader know.

3. Tie her clients to her father. Maybe Keith, for instance, reminds her in some ways of her father. He's physically like her father. So when he dominates her she thinks of her Dad and it turns her on to think of her Dad treating her the way Keith treats her. Maybe each of the clients she really enjoys has a trait that turns her on, and she discovers that the man who has all these traits is her Dad.

4. Use the time she spends with Dad while she is a prostitute to build up the relationship so there is some sexual tension and so the reader wants the connection to happen. Then, when she finally says "Dad, I want you to fuck me" it doesn't seem like it's quite so out of the blue. It's something that makes sense given what's happened in the story up to that point.

5. Glen needs to have a trait that from the beginning of the story makes him somebody that Colleen would want to fuck. It can be whatever, but you can't wait until over halfway through the story to introduce him and what makes him appealing. It can be a little thing, a leitmotif that repeats once in a while in a subtle way.

Anyway, those are some random ideas.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I read Part 1, up to the middle of Page 3. I intend to read the rest later this week, but I thought I'd drop some preliminary comments.

There are two ways you can go about writing a Literotica story. One is to pick a category and write for that category's expectations; the other is to write the story first according to what you as an author find compelling, and then try to figure out where it belongs afterwards.

8letters has given some great advice for category-first authors, but I'm pretty sure you're a story-first kind of writer. Your scores will take a hit for that - I'm not very familiar with I/T but from forum discussions, I get the impression the reader expectations are a mite rigid there. You may have to work harder to find the readership for the kind of stories you write, since the category system is not on your side - I like what I've read of this one but I don't usually read in I/T, so I would never have seen it except for this feedback request and having seen your posts in AH.

(By "work harder" I mostly mean - write more stories, when you have a choice of categories perhaps try to put them in cats where you haven't previously posted, and eventually your readers will see one and then follow the breadcrumbs to your other work.)

Simon mentioned overuse of "fuck"/"shit". I half agree with this. I think the way you use them, they don't carry a lot of weight in terms of adding emphasis. But they do help establish your narrator's voice and personality - she's brash and foul-mouthed, without a lot of time for conventions. That fits in well with her choices so far and, I suspect, those I haven't got to yet.

Beyond that, you write really well. You have a great turn of phrase - "he was on Viagra... but he might as well have been on rabies". I hadn't encountered "beducation" before but I love it. You do a good job at making it believable that your protagonist wants to get into this work and I'm interested to see where it goes next. Maybe more feedback after I finish it.

 

[Soshameless11]

Wholly original

You've gotten lots of constructive criticism, and you're only going to get better at this. But what I admire about the story was that it doesn't at all sound like every other story I know and love here. Holly is a unique voice, with a unique style. I like the breeze tone, the pacing and the unadulterated, wild-ass, holy fucking shit abandon of when the dad/daughter dam bursts.

 

[KeithD]

Simon mentioned overuse of "fuck"/"shit". I half agree with this.

This stood out to me when I saw it and I don't agree with it even half. I'm simply shocked--shocked, I say--that "fuck" and "shit" would occur frequently in an erotica story.

Where this thread hit me, though, is that I think it's tacky for a contest author to heavily push their story on the discussion board during the voting of a contest in which a lot of other discussants of the board have their own entries. It sort of points to how lame the Literotica contests are as a level-playing field qualitative competition.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Where this thread hit me, though, is that I think it's tacky for a contest author to heavily push their story on the discussion board during the voting of a contest in which a lot of other discussants of the board have their own entries. It sort of points to how lame the Literotica contests are as a level-playing field qualitative competition.

Hmm. How would you say it compares to the tackiness of an author using alts to leave rave reviews on his own stories?

 

[SimonDoom]

Simon mentioned overuse of "fuck"/"shit". I half agree with this. I think the way you use them, they don't carry a lot of weight in terms of adding emphasis. But they do help establish your narrator's voice and personality - she's brash and foul-mouthed, without a lot of time for conventions. That fits in well with her choices so far and, I suspect, those I haven't got to yet.

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That was NotWise, not me. Those terms weren't so much a problem for me, for the reason you stated: their use establishes character. I liked the fact that the narrator/main character has an over-the-top sense of naughtiness. Take that away and it's a different story, and I don't believe it's my place to tell the author to write a different story.