my second post.. comment pls...

[jaytee69]

Here is my 2nd attempt.. I have taken some good advice and hope that this gets a bit closer to the mark..

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75169

I wrote it for a friend .. she give me the topic,, and I used a bit of our physical descriptions for the characters, so as to give it a more realistic feel for her and me. I have to admit that the topic is not one that I have much personal feeling for as this subject was never one of my personal interests, but I understand that some find the subject erotic...

Thanks for your input

Jon

 

[DarlingNikki]

I think you have definitely taken the feedback to heart and this story is much, much better than the first.

The dialogue is good and is a good example of showing, not telling. From listening to the man talk, we know he is polite and calm but in control of the situation. It's nice.

I think you do a good job with Angie's transition from fear to enjoyment and I like the suspense of wondering what he is going to find in her bag and the slow revelation of her secret fantasies.

The first paragraph is somewhat cluttered (in my opinion) and could be broken into two, or maybe three paragraphs. Also a few words could be cut for a cleaner, clearer feeling.

Ex: When she got to her car, an SUV, she placed her bag on the ground and opened the back door, then put the bag on the back seat.

could be: When she got to her SUV, she opened the back door and put her bag on the seat.

Or something. But at the very least, take out "her car, an SUV." and just say "her SUV."

Also, quoted speech gets its own paragraph.

There were a lot of punctuation issues in this story. When you end a quote with a question mark, there is no need for anything after that.

Ex: When she failed to respond, he placed his hand on the back of her neck and asked again, a bit more powerfully now, "do you understand?".

should be: When she failed to respond, he placed his hand on the back of her neck and asked again, a bit more powerfully now, "do you understand?"

The voice behind her spoke in her ear, "remember the rules? ,.” She nodded;

should be:
The voice behind her spoke in her ear, "remember the rules?"
(new paragraph)
She nodded. (Puctiuation here should be a period and not a semicolon)

Also, puctuation always goes inside quotation marks. On the last couple of pages you have a lot of "words words words". The period should be within the quotes.

Ellipses are three dots, not two and not five or twelve and should only be used in speech, not narrative.

ex: "Don’t move.......,” he said.

should be "Don't move...," he said.

but as she starts to scream, the stereo came on....loud.... pounding music..

should be: but as she started to scream the stereo came on, blasting loud, pounding music.

Or something of your choice. (btw, I have comma problems, so I could be wrong on the commas on my rewrite, but I do know you have to take out the ellipses.)

You also want to watch out for the tense shift in the above example - "starts" to scream is present tense, stereo "came" on is past tense.

Something that jumped out - in the opening paragraph, Angie is described as being of "medium height" and later on she is petite, only 5'1" - which is it?

One more thing - you're speaking from Angie's POV, throughout but there are times when you switch to the man's POV.

Ex - "The smell and sight of her drove him on and he kissed her again, more deeply, opening his mouth and running his tongue along her slit. He started at the top where her opening began and slid his tongue down and over her clit. As he slowly licked over the hood covering her clit, he could feel her small bump in his mouth."

Like I said, I think you have improved a lot, and this story is very good - clear and enjoyable to read. The things you need to work on are purely cosmetic. I only hope I manage to improve this much from one story to the next.

I hope this is helpful.

Nikki

 

[Natural Born Eros]

I thought this was quite a good story, and as you suggested, much better than your first story. I do have a few suggestions to make, however.

Firstly, and this isn't your fault, on the third page, your text runs into the blue screen. This makes it a bit difficult to read, and I would try to get it sorted out (someone will know how. I would probably PM Manu, as he is the technical guy, I think). Secondly, I find stories this long very difficult to read, but this is a personal choice. I don't know whether it will bother many of your readers.

You worried over whether the story was erotic. Not to me, but I think that the readership at Lit. covers most tastes. Non-consent stories seem quite popular. I don't know anything about the category, but I wonder whether there was actually too much consent (even romance, at the very end?) to suit the category? More a question to mull over than anything else, but it doesn't sound like you plan to write any more stories in this category.

Now, a few technical glitches. Firstly, and the only one of real significance: tenses. It is vital that you are consistent, and this story varies frequently. A couple of examples.

"She was dressed in a conservative business suit over a white silk blouse and is wearing dark pumps."

"Suddenly, fear grips her and her she finds her voice, but as she starts to scream, the stereo came on."

Unless you have a good reason not to, I would write consistently in the past tense. It makes for the easiest read.

Secondly, there are a few examples of redundancy of description. My rule of thumb is only describe something if it adds to the scene, or to characterisation.

"When she got to her car, an SUV." All this tells us is that she is fairly well-off, which we know from her clothing. It slows down the story, and gives the reader nothing of value (its a tiny example, nothing major whatsoever, I realise that).


Thirdly, although for the most part, you use quotations properly (a rare treat), there are a few occassions where you slip up. Example:

"Before she could cry out, a deep, hard male voice in her ear said, "...don’t make a sound, and you won’t get hurt....” " but since you clearly know how to do this, all I would suggest is more thorough proof-reading (if you aren't confident, go to Killer Muffin's excellent thread paragraphing, currently on the front page).

Finally, every regular reader's pet peeve:

"Her breasts were size 44D, round and very full"

I get nothing from the size of her breasts. "Round and full" is adequate for me. If you want to give me more, tell me about a mole nestling in her cleavage, a tan line, or something more real and tangible. Also, doesn't 44 make her... fairly plump?

The only other suggestion I have is that your sentence teaser that appears on the front page could be fuller. "Couple meets and sparks fly" could describe 90% of stories posted here! I imagine you'd get more readers with a fuller, more specific sentence here.

Wow, I seem to have gone on for a long time. Don't let it get to you, these are small points, and overall I found the story to be of a good quality.

Keep scribbling, cheers

Eros

 

[Natural Born Eros]

So sorry all, I've repeated a lot of what Nikki said. She posted whilst I was writing my response.

Eros

 

[DarlingNikki]

Eros, I think we posted at pretty much the same time... oh, well!

 

[Guest]

Jon-

I don't read non-consent stories as a rule... but, since you haven't received feedback, I thought I would read as far as I could and hopefully have some helpful observations for you.

You stated that you based the physical attributes on you and Angie and the stories on one of Angie's fantasies. While this may have been the jumping off point for you, I have never enjoyed "laundry list" descriptions... especially at the very beginning of the story.

" She was a very attractive young looking, middle aged woman, medium height, full figured with short dark hair and deep brown eyes." This was too long and a bit confusing.

When you preface the story with a "she had fantasized about being restrained and taken" type statement, you cause the reader to think, "oh, another one of the unwilling/willing stories". Personally, I cannot quite suspend disbelief enough to accept that an abducted woman shackled and taped in the back of a SUV would have these thoughts run through her mind....

There are some continuity problems, e.g. Was she in her SUV or taken away in his van? Sofa bed or bed? "She stopped sucking him and took his cock in her hand." I thought she was restrained... And if she is restrained how could she look down to watch the action?

You may need to read your stoy aloud to catch reptition in word usage: "Angie sometimes chatted on-line with strangers and their comments and conversations sometimes excited her deeply." or "He then reached down and took his cock in his hand and lifted it, as if to display it to her. As he did she could see that he was reaching full arousal and becoming fully erect."

And where is the ending?

Overall, I think this is a working draft that could be good if you: cut down on the long passages summarizing her past... it interupts the flow of the story.... , edit carefully... there are misspellings (in for is), tighten up the descriptions, re-work the introduction so it "shows more than tells" and write a conclusion. Yes, they have both come, but now what?

I know that you wrote this for Angie, but if you drop some of the personalizations it will make it a much better story for general readers.

Lots of potential...

b