my second poem

[white_lace]

I lay in bed watching you sleep
as I watch you breathe deep
I notice the light of a new day from afar
I will lay in bed after you depart and wonder where we went wrong all of this happens in the light of a new dawn...

I would like any feed back to make people read my poems in the future thanks so much for the ideas i have already recieveed.

 

[Angeline]

Hiya WL and welcome back. Good for you posting another poem for feedback. Here's my opinion--

Right now, I like your idea better than its execution. Thematically you've made a statement that I think has a perfect poetic twist. It seems a love poem where everything is right, but it shifts because this serene scene takes place with everything having gone wrong. That is powerful, but now you need to take advantage of poetic devices to hit the ball out of the park, so to speak.

You have a spare poem here. You don't need to write an epic. but flesh out what you have with some details:

- make it clearer that the new dawn is both literal and metaphoric (i.e., how does the sky look?, how does the breaking light affect the room where the two lovers are?)

-- maybe a bit more description of the other person, not much is necessary, but a detail or two will bring that person to life

--wonder where we went wrong is overused, a cliche; can you find another way to say it, maybe with a metaphoric image?

--finally, think about format; your poem needs a crisper look--right now the impact of your message is weakened by the way the formatting sort of drifts off

Here's a site I love--

Poetry 180

There are wonderful poems there and, hence, lots of good ideas.

Best of luck!
Ange

 

[N8Dreams]

I dont like your last line. Its too long. I like the beginning, its engaging

 

[white_lace]

thanks

thanks so much for your input.