My second installment

Eros_1337

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Jul 1, 2008
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Hi. If you remember, I wrote a story about a month ago about a virgin and his friends going to an alien planet. Admitedly, it was a bit rushed, but I took my time with this second installment, and didn't hold anything back like I did last time. What do you think?

A Trip To Lexaughtor Chapter 2
 
Wow, this long with no responses? That's kind of lame, all you Lit forum-goers. =(

Speaking only for myself:

The problem I had with your story is the same I had with your first installment: I still don't care about your characters. Right now they're just strangers to me. I can't find them interesting because I don't know who they are.

Let's say I come up to you today--you, Eros_1337--and tell you, "I got laid today." What does this mean to you? Probably, nothing, considering you've never met me in person before and you don't know why I'm bothering you. You say, "I'm glad for you," because that's the polite thing to say, and maybe you're even pleased in a global, strictly-business sense... But it doesn't matter to you; you won't remember this as anything meaningful. And well you shouldn't. Who is this CWatson guy and why is he bugging me? (And why does he have a naked chick as his AV image?) He was lucky I didn't flip him off. ;)

But I come up to you and say, "I got laid today," and I'm not a stranger. We've been talking for months. You've heard me talk about my girlfriend (let's call her "Caitlyn" for the moment) and how much I love her. You've seen us together and (hopefully) thought we're good for each other. (If you didn't think so, thanks for at least keeping your mouth shut about it. :D) You know that I love her and have been brainstorming ideas for how to propose to her. You know that she is deeply Christian and doesn't believe in sex before marriage, and that I wasn't sure she'd ever change her mind. For her, it's almost as serious as marriage, because to turn her back on her values is to forever alter the way she lives her life. And, finally, you know that both she and I are (were) virgins. Suddenly, those four words have a whole galaxy of meaning and memory behind them. They indicate long patience and compromise; they indicate a new way of life for "Caitlyn"; and you can probably imagine some of the fumbling that went on--not to mention the wide-eyed glances, the way she and I felt as we saw things about each other for the first time, the things we must have whispered afterwards, the way we must have clung to each other. Suddenly it means something. Because of the subtext, four words contain a ten-page essay's worth of meaning. And when you say, "I'm glad for you," you probably mean it. :) (And of course, this conversation could only have happened about a year ago, because "Caitlyn" and I have been broken up since late November.)

The moral of the story? Sex means nothing if it happens to a stranger.

Who is Joss? Who are Hank and Eric? What kind of people are they when they aren't having hedonistic frolics on an alien planet? What kind of lives did this vacation buy them an escape from? What are their sexual histories? Why did Joss have so much trouble losing his virginity, and how does he intend to conquer that problem? How, in short, are these characters going to change?

You write excellent sex. I wish I wrote it half as well as you do. (And you can check my stories if you want, but I advise you not to; I write lame sex. :rolleyes:) But in the end, unless the sex happens to someone The Reader cares about--someone The Reader cares about; the author's feelings are irrelevant--we aren't going to remember your tale at all. Not even tentacles are that interesting. ;)
 
Eros_1337

I had this plan to make a masterful critique, but I think CW has said it all more eloquently than I could.

You write well, you write sex very well but story, plot, conflict, call it what you will, is missing.

In reading a story, we have to cheer someone and boo the black hats. we have to want a couple to get together, otherwise it's just biological. I think you need to develop the characters so we understand where they're coming from and try to get more emotion into the coupling.

I think there is a bit of tension missing in your narrative. If you can add this to your writing it would be great.
 
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