My second attempt

[The_Bear_Man]

It's taken me a while after my first story but I finally got round to writing the first chapter of what will hopefully be a tale with a bit more depth to it. I would love some feedback - I really am keen to write better.

The only point I want to make to anyone who is good enough to read it is that the central character (Jessica) is entirely made up but the Literotica crew has decided that she is real and posted my story in the 'Celebrities' section which is not where I actually wanted it - still never mind at least it's up there. Hoping to post a chapter 2 when I've seen what y'all have to say.
TBM

"Presenting Jessica"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=330713

 

[mjl2010]

Stories of betrayal always leave me cold. I'll try to be objective.

Basically your writing is pretty good. You got my attention and held it through to the end.

The sex was so-so in my opinion. Maybe it's my mood today. Dark and dreary like our weather.

No need for stuff like this -

"JASONNNNNNNNNN!"

What you're trying to convey is that her calling of his name was long and drawn out and her voice was louder and high pitched.

Better writing would have left it to the readers mind to hear her voice.

"Jason," she shouted out his name, drawing out the syllables as her pleasure overwhelmed her.

Or something like that. I'd call it small thing because you don't overdo it like some new writers. I did plenty of that myself. Today I can't write for some reason so my example of conveying what you wanted to is poor. Sorry, maybe someone else will help.

Other than that, I thought the story was well written and flowed well. Minor things here and there, they'll go away with practice.

MJL

 

[sr71plt]

Stories of betrayal always leave me cold. I'll try to be objective.

Basically your writing is pretty good. You got my attention and held it through to the end.

The sex was so-so in my opinion. Maybe it's my mood today. Dark and dreary like our weather.

No need for stuff like this -

What you're trying to convey is that her calling of his name was long and drawn out and her voice was louder and high pitched.

Better writing would have left it to the readers mind to hear her voice.

"Jason," she shouted out his name, drawing out the syllables as her pleasure overwhelmed her.

Or something like that. I'd call it small thing because you don't overdo it like some new writers. I did plenty of that myself. Today I can't write for some reason so my example of conveying what you wanted to is poor. Sorry, maybe someone else will help.

Other than that, I thought the story was well written and flowed well. Minor things here and there, they'll go away with practice.

MJL

This "Jasonnnnn" thing sits in the "can't win for losing" category. The long drawing out of the name here is "showing" and the suggested change is "telling." So, what's a writer to do? I think an occasional use of this to avoid the constant showing of the suggested "telling" example should be fine. If that's how the author wants to show the character's personality succinctly, that does it. And, in fact, if the character does this to an annoying degree, I don't think it would really be wrong for the author to let the character use it to a degree that annoys the reader either.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Sorry, I found the story flat and uninteresting.

What's with all the ............................'s? Find yourself an editor to correct the myriad of grammatical errors.

 

[mjl2010]

This "Jasonnnnn" thing sits in the "can't win for losing" category.

I agree to a point. When I first came here, one of the first things I heard was that this was a no no. I try not to do it. I do. And yet sometimes I do it anyway and leave it in when it's finished.

Asking for feedback means criticism and I'm tending to share what I've learned because in doing so, I learn more.

MJL

 

[sr71plt]

I agree to a point. When I first came here, one of the first things I heard was that this was a no no. I try not to do it. I do. And yet sometimes I do it anyway and leave it in when it's finished.

Asking for feedback means criticism and I'm tending to share what I've learned because in doing so, I learn more.

MJL

That's fine. I share what I think I've learned too--but here, I usually only share when I think, through my own experience in what works and sells, that the writer is being led somewhere they need not go (like mixing up discussion of voice with tense in giving a critique. ) Seems we can both share what we "know" and then the writer can decide what to do/not do.

(This isn't the "end all" forum in determining what's learning what's right or a no, no, I'll have to say--sometimes what's given as gospel has no known antecedent in the greater world of writing. Like telling someone "telling" is preferable to "showing" when there's an option. )

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Thanks for all the feedback

Thanks guys - all feedback read and digested. Much appreciated.

Just one response really and that's for 'drksideofthemoon'. Clearly your view on the story is fine but I wanted you to expand for me on the grammatical errors you mentioned as I am always careful (or so I thought) to be grammatically correct at all times. The 's as you say are used to reflect a dropped letter (as in that's or it's) or the possessive (as in Fowler's plan or Jess's legs). Is this incorrect?

TBM

 

[Darkniciad]

Thanks guys - all feedback read and digested. Much appreciated.

Just one response really and that's for 'drksideofthemoon'. Clearly your view on the story is fine but I wanted you to expand for me on the grammatical errors you mentioned as I am always careful (or so I thought) to be grammatically correct at all times. The 's as you say are used to reflect a dropped letter (as in that's or it's) or the possessive (as in Fowler's plan or Jess's legs). Is this incorrect?

TBM

drkside is talking about the extremely long ellipses. An ellipse should always be three pips, no more, no less. I only glanced last night, as my eyes were already drooping, but that jumped right out at me as well. The ellipses you've used are almost long enough to look like scene breaks.

It's just a little quirk that many readers will ignore, but...

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Ha, ha! okay point noted - thanks.

 

[sr71plt]

drkside is talking about the extremely long ellipses. An ellipse should always be three pips, no more, no less. I only glanced last night, as my eyes were already drooping, but that jumped right out at me as well. The ellipses you've used are almost long enough to look like scene breaks.

It's just a little quirk that many readers will ignore, but...

Hope this doesn't confuse anyone. An ellipsis is indeed three periods ("points" really, but when it comes at the end of a complete sentence, there is a fourth period (coming first)--representing the terminal punctuation. (You'd encounter this mainly in rendering long quotes of published material where you are omitting sentences and using an ellipsis to show where material was omitted.)

Adding to confusion, publishing ellipses aren't the same as the ellipsis symbol your computer produces. There actually is an extra hairline space between the points of an ellipsis in printing. For some reason publishers will usually want manuscripts to represent an ellipsis with character spaces between period points rather than with the use of the computer symbol for the character.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Celebrity Catagory...That always makes me cringe. You have done what so many others have done in that Cat. You have picked out your fantasy celeb and written a story using her name. Sorry, but again I cannot identify your character with the celeb.

When writing a Celeb story, you need to define the character's personality. What is her favorite food and wine? What kind of car does she drive. Where is her apartement? Is she a shopping fanatic... and so many other things that make Jessica Weston that one person amoung the other millions of individuals walking the earth.

Generally, your writing and mastery of the language is not bad, however, there really isn't much tension built into the story. The characters seem to be rather robotic as if they are forced into your plot rather than acting as if this were natural. Jessica would actually meet Steed Fowler just because he was a great fuck? Your words say she was taking her career in a different direction. Then Jason pops up rather unannounced. Who is he? I found this all rather unbelievable.

If you had changed Jessica's name and posted this in another catagory, and forgotten all about the Celeb side, I think you would have done a lot better.

 

[MarshAlien]

Hey, if you can get the Lit editors to think that your fake celebrity story is actually about a real celebrity, you're already doing well.

My one complaint involves dialogue. I think it would help if you spoke it aloud after you committed it to paper, in order to test it. The worst was probably the line, "I will not play your perverted game." Way too much of the old Batman TV show in this one. I can't imagine anyone saying it out loud. I think the most you'd get is "You fucking pervert! Go to hell!"

It is a decent story, with an interesting plot. Good luck with chapter 2!

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Is she real?

Jenny, thanks for your feedback - taken on board as always.

However, as I said in my thread starting message, Jessica is fictional in my mind and I originally posted the story in a completely different category. It was the Lit people who chose to put it in celebs. However your reply to my message is making me wonder whether via pure coincidence Jessica Weston is a real person in the US who is maybe connected to sports - if so then any reference to 'the real Jessica Weston' through my story is entirely co-incidental. My Jessica is a figment of imagination and nothing else.

Must go google the name!

TBM

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Saying it out loud!

Thanks for the idea MarshAlien. Better make sure I am pretty much alone when I write I guess

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jessica Weston is not a sports caster, but a pro bicyclist and sports advocate in the UK. That's prolly the reason they changed catagories on you, Bear.

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Is she real II

So she is - and from the UK as well! I guess my story is up and running now so I will have to stick with the name. Do you really think readers will associate my character with the real Jessica? Should I go into the story, edit the name and request a repost to a different category. Help!

TBM.

 

[evanslily]

Well, I've never heard of her, and having asked a few random people sitting around me right now, no one else has either...

So I'd be tempted to PM Laurel and ask for it to be moved. It isn't based on a celebrity so it shouldn't be in that category. And it's not such an unusual name after all, so why should you change it?

P'raps a note at the top of the page making it clear that she bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead, etc might do the trick.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Well, I've never heard of her, and having asked a few random people sitting around me right now, no one else has either...

So I'd be tempted to PM Laurel and ask for it to be moved. It isn't based on a celebrity so it shouldn't be in that category. And it's not such an unusual name after all, so why should you change it?

P'raps a note at the top of the page making it clear that she bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead, etc might do the trick.

Possibly because the author referenced real people in the story, Vince McMahon, Stacy Keibler etc from the WWE? That would be my best guess.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

So she is - and from the UK as well! I guess my story is up and running now so I will have to stick with the name. Do you really think readers will associate my character with the real Jessica? Should I go into the story, edit the name and request a repost to a different category. Help!

TBM.

The name is not a problem. You identify her as a sports caster in the beginning, so I think the Editors assumed she was a Celeb. I would just PM Laural (not Email) and ask her for an explaination of the Catagory Change. I'd explain to her that this is not a real Celeb.

 

[mjl2010]

The name is not a problem. You identify her as a sports caster in the beginning, so I think the Editors assumed she was a Celeb. I would just PM Laural (not Email) and ask her for an explaination of the Catagory Change. I'd explain to her that this is not a real Celeb.

Would that change things? Considering he identifies her as a sportscaster and if there is a sportscaster with that name, does that give Lit any responsibility to post it in that category. I don't know, I'm just asking. The reason I ask is the whole legal thingie they put at the top of all celeb stories when you view them.

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think, rather than simply requesting a Cat change, MJ, I would ask for an explaination first, saying this is not a real Celeb.

I suppose, the writer could put a disclaimer at the beginning explaining "And similarity between a real person living or dead is purely coincidental".

But googling, I didn't find any TV personalities named Jessica Weston.

 

[mjl2010]

I think, rather than simply requesting a Cat change, MJ, I would ask for an explaination first, saying this is not a real Celeb.

I suppose, the writer could put a disclaimer at the beginning explaining "And similarity between a real person living or dead is purely coincidental".

But googling, I didn't find any TV personalities named Jessica Weston.

Ah so no one showed up on Google.

I've started that on stories I submit now. "Any similarities between characters in this story and in real life are a product of your imagination"

MJL

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Moved!

Hey all, thanks for all the help. I contacted Laurel and "Presenting Jessica" is now out of Celebs and in Erotic Coupling.

If any one who hasn't had a read fancies it because it is now no longer in Celebs then url is;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=330713

Thanks again. Chapter 2 on the way ...

TBM