Lost Cause
It's a wrap!
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2001
- Posts
- 30,949
I just got this sent to me, and I'd thought I'd share it with you.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba.
My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new
division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals
Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK, for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has
been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard
to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can
just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your
letter.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with
your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice
that hasn't been completely remedied.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage:
"Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as
his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came
back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer
counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely
proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask
him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However,
he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons - have
available for their use several copies of the Koran.
Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and
dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We
think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for
people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials
with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just
to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...
we'll be watching!
Cordially,
GWB
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba.
My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new
division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals
Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK, for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has
been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard
to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can
just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your
letter.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with
your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice
that hasn't been completely remedied.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage:
"Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as
his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came
back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer
counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely
proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such
simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask
him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However,
he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons - have
available for their use several copies of the Koran.
Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and
dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We
think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for
people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials
with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just
to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...
we'll be watching!
Cordially,
GWB
