My Realization

[SubmissiveDove5]

I read a thread earlier today about submission being a gift, and I think I have finally accepted what Master has put into motion. I do believe that he genuinely cares for me, and perhaps he went about it the wrong way, but I think he thought it was better than the alternative, which was to make me feel rejected. Perhaps his reasoning was this: {Jen doesn't handle emotional pain well, so if I make her think it was her idea, maybe she'll take it better than if I broke it off.} I truly want him to be happy with someone who can love him both emotionally as well as physically. Perhaps his failure to be a good Master was due to his inexperience as one or his natural immaturity (He's only twenty-three years old), and maybe this caused him to think unrealistically when he first pursued me. Master is a very emotional person, so I will offer my friendship to him and of course, he can accept it or not. If he chooses not to, I'm sure he will have a good reason. I think it would be a waste not to remain friends. Over the past six and a half months we have shared so much. I mean there was the sexual fantasies, but there was also a lot of conversations where we talked about whatever came to mind. I would tell him about my day and my problems and good fortunes, and he would tell me about his day and problems. Then sometimes we would have, as he calls them, "unique Sinfield conversations," which were about nothing...just silly stuff. I think about all the times I've made him laugh, and that's how I know he didn't intensionally want to hurt me. So, I still feel sad right now, but perhaps I'll feel better knowing that I gave him the gift of freedom, freedom to find someone to love him the way he needs to be loved, which is something I know in my heart that he needs.

I don't know, am I crazy to have come up with this way of thinking?

 

[Vixandra]

Submission is a gift, one of the rarest ones out there because it should mean trust and caring about the one who's receiving it.
Not sure whether your Master loved you as I would define the word, but then I'm rather harsh. If you're content with it- more power to ya. Still think it was a cowardly way of doing things but, apparently there was some thought put into it, so he cared for you at least enough to try to spare you some pain.

Age does not make maturity or immaturity, the person does. At 21 I've a friend struggling to make ends meet, has yet to have a "meaningful" relationship or get laid though he wants to, still playing more video games then probably healthy and without a real goal in life. Me- at 21- am buying a house (if the someone doesn't beat me to the one I'm wanting), work full time, have a couple of certifications I can use to find different jobs that pay pretty good in the civie sector and am happily married. Age can bring wisdom but maturity is a learned thing that can be learned at any age.
Okay, enough on that rant.

SD5- you're probably going to feel down for a bit- anyone who's ever broken up with thier s/o can tell you that. And your Master had not only that kind of relationship with but the "Sir" side of things too.
Time salves all wounds (only death cures all, in theory) and I'm sure things will get easier.
If you're able to remain friends after this- that's wonderful. One can never have too many friends. Especially ones that make you laugh.
And everything happens for a reason, whether its obvious at first or not. I'm sure this happened for a good one.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Thank you Vixandra. I do appreciate your thoughts.

Isn't it weird how everything seems clearer during the day and absolutely dreadful at night whether it be a problem or some sort of illness? I had a pretty good day today. I was thinking that this was for the best...it's what Master wants...so it's the right thing to do. I even wrote a very nice paragraph that I was going to memorize so I could say all of it to him. They are my deepest feelings. Then I asked someone's opinion in another d/s online community, and he bit my head off. He said that what I had written was disrespectful, I'm supposed to ask for my release, not say I'm setting him free, and that I have no respect at all. I immediately started crying because I thought it was something that my Master would really like and appreciate. I know one person's opinion doesn't count, but it was still discouraging nevertheless. I've been upset ever since...feeling like death is a good way out of this endless pit of dread. I know that is not fair to anyone, which is why it's only a thought, not a desire. I wish I could sleep, but I can't. Anyway, sorry to keep complaining. I'm just sitting here in my room, alone as usual.

 

[Etoile]

I was thinking that this was for the best...it's what Master wants...so it's the right thing to do.

Hmmm. It seems to me that if you're still thinking about what he wants, you're still submitting to him. And it sounds like the relationship has ended, so there really isn't any reason for you to be submissive to him anymore. Treat him as a close friend, but not your master. Which leads to...

Then I asked someone's opinion in another d/s online community, and he bit my head off. He said that what I had written was disrespectful, I'm supposed to ask for my release, not say I'm setting him free, and that I have no respect at all.

Now it sounds like he's still trying to dominate you...again, even though the relationship has ended. This isn't appropriate. If he wants to cut things off with you, that means he doesn't get to control things anymore. That includes what you choose to say and do online.

I immediately started crying because I thought it was something that my Master would really like and appreciate. I know one person's opinion doesn't count, but it was still discouraging nevertheless. I've been upset ever since...feeling like death is a good way out of this endless pit of dread. I know that is not fair to anyone, which is why it's only a thought, not a desire. I wish I could sleep, but I can't. Anyway, sorry to keep complaining. I'm just sitting here in my room, alone as usual.

We've talked about this before, hon...I know just how you feel. It's tempting to say that he's just one person, his opinion doesn't count, but he's somebody that you felt very close to and loved. In your eyes, his opinion counts for more than mine, Vixandra's, or anybody else's. And that's okay. It sounds like you are desperate for approval...I know I am. It's devastating to be rejected like this. But if he wants to end his relationship with you, it needs to end. Keep him as a friend (if you feel comfortable with that), but make sure he knows that's what it is.

If he's trying to convince you that you want to end the relationship, but he's pretending it's still going, then I'm not sure what to suggest. You seem pretty certain he wants to end it, though. Tell him that's what you see.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Thank you etoile, what you say does make sense.

The man I spoke to yesterday, the one from msn groups, has appologized to me about being so harsh with me. I decided that I wasn't being entirely fair, so I explained into more detail my past and why I think I am the way I am, and he agreed. Basically I told him about the emotionally abusive relationship I was in when I was fourteen, how he abused me, how his rejection caused me to feel so alone and how that lead to my rape. I thought that a person can't really have any idea of someone else's emotional state without some background info.

As far as my Master is concerned, all I can say is that he appears to be a really nice guy based on what I've observed, but also based on the Psych report I had done on him in the beginning. To say just a few things I learned about him from the report: He likes intelligent women who may be a bit eccentric. He is very goal oriented and enjoys making other people happy. It is true that he has a short attention span, but I have no idea in which context that refers to. His relationships have skirted on disaster, and his passions defy restraint (not absolutely sure the correct way to interpret that). I do know that he is a lone wolf as he had once mentioned. The report also said that he is intensely emotional, has been rather promiscuous in the past but is very honest and responsible. It also said he was socially responsible. His most noticeable tendencies are jealousy and possessiveness, Possessiveness being the one that is most apparent.

Anyway, that is some of what I know about him, and there probably are a few other things in that report that I'm not remembering. I guess my only question now is whether I'm going to call him on Saturday or Sunday.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

One more thing I learned from the Psych report...

and this is a quote:

He has the ability to see into the hearts of complex subjects and issues."

 

[Etoile]

I'm a little confused, maybe because I don't remember you mentioning this before. You had a psych report done on a potential partner? That doesn't seem like something many people would do. Why did you choose that route?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I didn't want to do it, but I did it for my parents sake. They said if I checked him out, they might allow me to go visit him, but even after I showed them the report, they still wouldn't let me go. I wouldn't say it was a total waste of money, but I didn't get what I wanted from it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm a little confused, maybe because I don't remember you mentioning this before. You had a psych report done on a potential partner? That doesn't seem like something many people would do. Why did you choose that route?

I am a bit confused as it seems from the wording the psych stands more for psychic, not psychological. Reading through the posted material it mirrors the style and observations I have on a complimentary psychics report, not what I am acccustomed to reading in psychological reports. Is that what you meant SubDove?

Catalina

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Hmmm...I'm not sure. I had had this done back in March, and the full title of the report was "Background Check including Psychological Profile." I do remember it cost me $129.00, and it took over a month for the results. I can see where you might think it was a Psychic report though. The site I ordered it from was abika.com. Anyway, that's where I based my idea that Chris was a decent person. I also found out from the report his parents names, address, neighbors, the fact that he filed bankrupsy in 1997, and I even know is ssn. Unfortunately, I don't have it anymore because it was deleted when I had to get my computer reformatted. I know it sounds like a sneaky thing to do, but I was determined to get my parents to allow me to go to Oregon, and at the time I thought it was the best way.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Hmmm...I'm not sure. I had had this done back in March, and the full title of the report was "Background Check including Psychological Profile." I do remember it cost me $129.00, and it took over a month for the results. I can see where you might think it was a Psychic report though. The site I ordered it from was abika.com. Anyway, that's where I based my idea that Chris was a decent person. I also found out from the report his parents names, address, neighbors, the fact that he filed bankrupsy in 1997, and I even know is ssn. Unfortunately, I don't have it anymore because it was deleted when I had to get my computer reformatted. I know it sounds like a sneaky thing to do, but I was determined to get my parents to allow me to go to Oregon, and at the time I thought it was the best way.

just wondering....how old are you?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I'm twenty-five, but according to the actions of my parents, a immature twenty-five as they so bluntly stated. I do understand their concern and how my condition makes it a little different, but I thought getting as much info about Chris would make them feel better.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I'm twenty-five, but according to the actions of my parents, a immature twenty-five as they so bluntly stated. I do understand their concern and how my condition makes it a little different, but I thought getting as much info about Chris would make them feel better.

does he know you did a background check on him?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I am ashamed to admit, but strong to admit that he doesn't know. I guess it's a weak excuse, but I thought if I asked him if I could have one done, he would think I didn't trust him at all, and that my reason was only a cover-up.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I am ashamed to admit, but strong to admit that he doesn't know. I guess it's a weak excuse, but I thought if I asked him if I could have one done, he would think I didn't trust him at all, and that my reason was only a cover-up.

but you didnt trust him at all...or you wouldnt have done it and not even told him

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I guess you're right. The truth is though that that is with most men. I have a constant war going on in my head when getting to know a man. I guess it's stems from my first boyfriend, not that that is any excuse. It is true that I didn't trust him at all in the very very beginning, and perhaps longer than that, but one day I decided I would go out on a limb and trust himm. A part of me will always think that I couldn't trust him because he gave me something to look forward to and has now taken it away. At the same time, I really want to trust him.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I guess you're right. The truth is though that that is with most men. I have a constant war going on in my head when getting to know a man. I guess it's stems from my first boyfriend, not that that is any excuse. It is true that I didn't trust him at all in the very very beginning, and perhaps longer than that, but one day I decided I would go out on a limb and trust himm. A part of me will always think that I couldn't trust him because he gave me something to look forward to and has now taken it away. At the same time, I really want to trust him.

always go with your gut feeling, if you didnt/dont trust him there is a reason. Find someone you can trust and feel safe with, it is the only thing that will bring you happiness.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Thank you

 

[Vixandra]

always go with your gut feeling, if you didnt/dont trust him there is a reason. Find someone you can trust and feel safe with, it is the only thing that will bring you happiness.

KC is quite right, little dove.
Trust yourself first, instinct next, and order the rest of the world after that.

 

[Vixandra]

Minor Hijack-
You're almost at 100 posts- did you have an AV picked out already? I know, curisoity killed the cat... lucky I'm not a cat huh?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Hi Vix,

I don't have one picked out yet. How to do get one or pick one and how do I put it on there, lol.

About the other issue...I understand what your saying about trusting myself first, and in some things I do, but most things I don't. I think it might take a very long time to trust myself if not never. I sometimes wonder how to totally trust someone else. It seems like an almost impossible thing to do. lol, maybe I just watch too many soap operas.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmmm...I'm not sure. I had had this done back in March, and the full title of the report was "Background Check including Psychological Profile." I do remember it cost me $129.00, and it took over a month for the results. I can see where you might think it was a Psychic report though. The site I ordered it from was abika.com. Anyway, that's where I based my idea that Chris was a decent person. I also found out from the report his parents names, address, neighbors, the fact that he filed bankrupsy in 1997, and I even know is ssn. Unfortunately, I don't have it anymore because it was deleted when I had to get my computer reformatted. I know it sounds like a sneaky thing to do, but I was determined to get my parents to allow me to go to Oregon, and at the time I thought it was the best way.

Unfortunately if this really happened, I would say you were had and have wasted your money. You can not order a legitimate psychological report online, especially without anyone interviewing the person in question at least once, preferrably more. It is not possible, nor ethical and professionally recognised to be given the name of someone and then do a psychological report on them without any contact. For one thing, where would the information be coming from...if not from talking to the person themselves it is only second hand information and very open to deception and misinterpretation. As to the address of parents and neighbours and financial records...have you actually checked them out yourself to see if they were real? I would think not or he would have known long before now I suspect. It is sad people do such things to make money from other's trust, and unfortunately seems to continue to flourish.

Catalina

 

[Vixandra]

Hi Vix,

I don't have one picked out yet. How to do get one or pick one and how do I put it on there, lol.

About the other issue...I understand what your saying about trusting myself first, and in some things I do, but most things I don't. I think it might take a very long time to trust myself if not never. I sometimes wonder how to totally trust someone else. It seems like an almost impossible thing to do. lol, maybe I just watch too many soap operas.

Heys,
First- AV's can be put up after 100 posts- any pic that's 150x150 pixels pretty much. That's done through the options menu after you're 100'th post.
I ask cause I'm in an artsy mood, and found a couple of cute dove source pics while on my image questings.

Secondly- if you don't trust yourself you can't trust anyone else. Its as simple and as complicated as that.
No one can earn your trust if you don't have it for yourself. Reasoning- how can you trust yourself to know someone else is trustworthy unless you trust your own reasoning on why they're trustworthy?
I completely trust my DH (dear husband) with not only my life but with everything that I have and am. Which is quite a wide spectrum ranging from this helpful poster you see here to a bitter, dark, sarcasic demoness that normally stays locked tight in its box. He sees all of it, because I trust him. I can only trust him because I trust myself.

Part of trusting yourself means that you have a strong "wall" to protect yourself with. To keep out what you don't want/need, that which would hurt you. Its part of being a "healthy adult" which isn't always easy. But is nessessary- otherwise you live in fear of who'll hurt you, who'll betray your trust.
Even with the wall, it still takes time to trust others. And that's a good thing. You wouldn't give someone you just met your bank card and pin number right? And you shouldn't. A bit of wearynes is healthy. But being afraid to trust anyone is no way to live your life.

Alas, I might be rambling now, so I'll just shut up for a bit.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

This is true. I guess I assumed that te reason it took over a month was because they had done some phone calls etc. I know, never assume anything, It is the wrong way to go about it, but maybe they did contact him and disquised themselves as some sort of association doing a survey to get some of the information. I know...not likely. Oh well, at least I know the Chris' address and telephone number was correct. I sent something to him in the mail once and he did get it.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

That does make sense. Earlier today, a dom I know online asked me to think of everything that was good about me and then send to him. He's not my dom, but he was trying to help, so I did the assignment. Anyway, I came up with like 23 things that were great about me (he told me to be as conceited as I wanted), and he announced to the rest of the list members that I was looking for a dom. It was actually very sweet...I couldn't help but giggles...it said more than that, but I can't remember all of it. Anyway, it did help somewhat with myself because at least I can trust myself with those twenty-three things that make me a "great" person as the dom said, with pride I might add.

Thanks for the info about the av too. I will check it out when I get to 100 posts