my rant thread

[freakygirl]

Every year we get an invitation to go to my 94 year old grandmothers church for a Mother/Daughter tea in honor of Mothers day.

Every year I go.. I yawn at this function. It's a bunch of old ladies sitting around eating food I can't figure out what it is. I get to see cousins I don't know and deal with their lovely little brats.. er.. children.

Then we get to sit through some boring women sing and praise god..

This is coming up on Saturday. I didn't know we were going this year. I made other plans. You see they are having a mothers day thing at my daughters baseball tournement. A little pot luck meal between games. I missed this event last year because I was sleeping at grandmas church.

I told my mother 3 weeks ago that I was going to Longview to be apart of my daughters mothers day thing. She didn't say a word. Today Grandma called (this is my fathers mother by the way) and mom informed her we'd be there. No matter what! We'd be there!

I gently reminded Mom that I had made other plans. She got pissy (something she does well)..

so now I have a dilema.. call Megan and tell her I can't go and risk upsetting her? or tell mom under no circumstances can I go to grandmas thing and live with my bitchy mother.

I'm a push over. My mom has had control over my life forever (shut up Zedd... if you are reading this ) She knows I feel guilty and she knows how to use that against me. I've let her do it all my life.

I understand how important my Grandmother is to my mom.. but Mom doesn't understand how important I am to Megan.

UGH!

 

[Kalyn]

My 2 cents- go to your your daughters thing, then write your mother and grandmother each a letter citing special memories you have of them from your chilhood, and thanking them for being them. If your family is anything like mine, this could be diffucult, but chances are if you are on speaking terms with them both now, they must have taught you something about how important mothers are.

 

[ExLimey]

Go be with your daughter.

My philosophy has always been that if you're gonna catch shit either way, you might as well do what you want and then catch it. Nothing worse than eating shit and then catching it afterwards.

My Mum knows she can't pull crap like this with me, so she doesn't try. Every once in awhile a guilt trip will be attempted but it rarely gets her anywhere. Of course, it's easier from 2500 miles away.

 

[freakygirl]

Kalyn

Your advice is great. My Grandmother understands.. she is an amazing woman! I tried to talk to mom about going and seeing Grandma another day.. during the week instead of this day.

I'd rather see her at her house so we can visit.

Mom won't go for this. My mom is dependant on me, because she is disabled and not able to get around on her own. Grandma lives 100 miles away, so visiting is hard to do.

My mother is NOT an understanding person. It's her way or no way.

 

[seXieleXie]

this is a difficult decision freaky, obviously one you'll have to make for yourself, but i'll give you my opinion.

your daughter is your first responsability. you made a commitment to her and to break that would hurt her. why should she have to suffer because you can't stand up to your mother? she is the one who would really miss out if you give in to your mom, and that hardly seems fair.

 

[Kalyn]

I am glad I could help Freaky, my thoughts are with you, I know what having a difficult mom can be like. Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

 

[Bidin~Time]

personally, no matter how heavy the guilt trip, i think you will be a mother LONG after you cease to be a granddaughter (94??!!!)
and miss kalyn presented a very diplomatic solution.
go with your daughter, remind your mother you told her about the previous plans.......and tell grandma she a sweet darlin doll!!!

 

[Kalyn]

hehehe.... you called me diplomatic.
Wait till a certain someone who said I was to liberal to be diplomatic sees this.

You soooo just made my day.

 

[freakygirl]

I said again "how about if I keep Kimber out of school on Friday and we go see Grandma" She said "no, you can't do that" Me "why can't i?" She "You go to the games, I will stay home by myself (which she is capable of doing for a few hours but doesn't like to)" Me "I said let's go Friday" She "no, i'm not mad. As much as you want to think I am. I'm not". Me "good, i'm glad you aren't mad and I'm glad you understand" DEAD SILENCE (she's mad)






another rant: I have been her caregiver for almost 3 years (November of 1999) with NOT one day off. I take a few hours here and a few hours there. But never a day without my cell phone in hand.. and not hurried to get home so she isn't mad.

My ex husband and his wife made arrangements for her to come stay in July for a week. My SO got that same week off so we could go camping..alone with our dogs and our fishing poles..

Mom was thrilled about all this. Now ofcourse that it's getting closer she is bring up all kinds of things that are going to make it impossible for her to go stay at J's house. IE: their bathroom isn't wheel chair accesible.. ok fine... wear your brace and walk. Fine.. she can't put her brace on and she is afraid J and R won't be able to do it... ok, I showed them how to do it and they are able to. there is only one way for it to go on.. can't be that hard. Their house isn't accesible.. fine J says he will carry her up the stairs (she only weighs about 100 lbs).. she hasn't come up with another excuse but.. i can see the wheels turning.

I've come to the conclusion that she lives to piss me off

 

[Kalyn]

Freaky, this so sad for both of you, you really need this time, don't let her guilt you out of it. Also...you are in Seattle, aren't you?? I don't know if you have looked into this at all, but most hospital or Adult and Family Services offer a "breakaway" Program(may go by different name in some areas) This gives wonderful people like you who are the main caretaker for their parents or others a chance to breakaway at regular intervals. Everyone needs some time away.

 

[seXieleXie]

I've come to the conclusion that she lives to piss me off

she sounds like an extrordenarily unhappy woman, and i'm sorry you have to put up with so much from her freaky. however, i would like to give you a question for you to think about. have you ever thought about how your actions and your responses feed into this routine she likes to pull?

you can't control how she behaves but you can control how you respond to her. i understand not wanting conflict, but at some point enough is enough. you should take a day off. turn off your cell phone and go out to dinner with just your s.o. or take your kids to the park or just do something for yourself. let her get mad, let her get pissy and bitch. you are an adult, you are in control freaky. don't lay down for her to walk all over (or roll over as the case may be). when you give in to her pettyness you allow her to control your life more, you encourage her to keep this act up.

it's hard, i know. i'm dealing with similar shit myself and i hate fighting every step of the way, but i deserve my own life and so do you.

 

[freakygirl]

Freaky, this so sad for both of you, you really need this time, don't let her guilt you out of it. Also...you are in Seattle, aren't you?? I don't know if you have looked into this at all, but most hospital or Adult and Family Services offer a "breakaway" Program(may go by different name in some areas) This gives wonderful people like you who are the main caretaker for their parents or others a chance to breakaway at regular intervals. Everyone needs some time away.

I'm not in the Seattle area.. I'm down south. In a very small town on the coast.. called Montesano. We have similar programs but she is able to be alone. She isn't as bad as she tries to make everyone believe.

There is a really long drawn out history to her. I won't go into it here, but I will say she's one who has always been taken care of.. and expects it to continue this way. I'm guilty of allowing her to control my life. It's slowely changing.. it's just I have to put up with her shit while it's changing.

*added*
Lexie, wise woman.. I love ya, you know that right? You make so much sense.. yes, it's hard. But I'm doing it. And alot of the reason I'm doing it is because of the wise friends I have here.

Thank you

 

[Kalyn]

Well, it sounds like you have a clear view on things, I have no doubt you can handle it. Keep your head up girl!!

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[Guest]

FG,

I think your best bet is to spend the day with your daughter. There comes a time when you must live for you and yours. And the greatest gift you could give your daughter is to show her how to do so. Be empowered. You can control your reactions, not your mother's actions. Happy Mother's Day.

 

[Ishmael]

Every year we get an invitation to go to my 94 year old grandmothers church for a Mother/Daughter tea in honor of Mothers day.

Every year I go.. I yawn at this function. It's a bunch of old ladies sitting around eating food I can't figure out what it is. I get to see cousins I don't know and deal with their lovely little brats.. er.. children.

Then we get to sit through some boring women sing and praise god..

This is coming up on Saturday. I didn't know we were going this year. I made other plans. You see they are having a mothers day thing at my daughters baseball tournement. A little pot luck meal between games. I missed this event last year because I was sleeping at grandmas church.

I told my mother 3 weeks ago that I was going to Longview to be apart of my daughters mothers day thing. She didn't say a word. Today Grandma called (this is my fathers mother by the way) and mom informed her we'd be there. No matter what! We'd be there!

I gently reminded Mom that I had made other plans. She got pissy (something she does well)..

so now I have a dilema.. call Megan and tell her I can't go and risk upsetting her? or tell mom under no circumstances can I go to grandmas thing and live with my bitchy mother.

I'm a push over. My mom has had control over my life forever (shut up Zedd... if you are reading this ) She knows I feel guilty and she knows how to use that against me. I've let her do it all my life.

I understand how important my Grandmother is to my mom.. but Mom doesn't understand how important I am to Megan.

UGH!

Bag Megan and go. You knew that this was coming.

Use the opportunity to learn some family history. If you don't, twenty years from know you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for not doing so. Ask questions, something that might interest you. You don't have to sit there and be bored.

Yeah it's a burden, yeah it's a drag. But the wisdom that you can walk away with will last the rest of your life.

Ishmael

 

[seXieleXie]

Re: Re: my rant thread

Bag Megan and go. You knew that this was coming.

Use the opportunity to learn some family history. If you don't, twenty years from know you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for not doing so. Ask questions, something that might interest you. You don't have to sit there and be bored.

Yeah it's a burden, yeah it's a drag. But the wisdom that you can walk away with will last the rest of your life.

Ishmael

do you have kids?

 

[Ishmael]

Re: Re: Re: my rant thread

do you have kids?

Probably raised more than you.

Ishmael

 

[seXieleXie]

Re: Re: Re: Re: my rant thread

Probably raised more than you.

Ishmael

without a doubt

 

[Ishmael]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: my rant thread

without a doubt

Considering that I had custody of the children, all of them, after the divorce. That is "without a doubt".

Ball's in your court.

Ishmael

 

[seXieleXie]

i haven't raised any children. i'm just amazed that someone who has raised kids would take the route you suggested.

 

[freakygirl]

A tad bit of info about me

1. Grandma raised me for a year. I was nine.. sick and needed to be away from my family.

2. I did the family tree.. I have books written about our history (190 hours of video of her talking also). I've talked hours with my Grandmother. Her memory isn't what it used to be. And I thank God daily that I wrote and video taped everything!

3. I don't have custody of Megan.. She lives with her dad. Because of our schedules I miss alot of Megans and her brothers activities. I "bagged" Megan last year to go to Grandmas thing because mom threw in my face "that it was probably Grandmas last year alive"

4. I've gone to Grandmas thing 3 years in a row.. Megan is 13 and I've spent 5 (yes five) Mothers days with her.

To me.. my family is important.. Young or Old.. but this time it's about ME and what I want to do.

I'm bagging Mom and spending the day with Megan

 

[seXieleXie]

yay freaky!

 

[freakygirl]

Megan is a very understanding compassionate girl. Older than her 13 years. She understands when I don't make it to her special things.

I've missed alot of them.. 6th grade graduation.. Band concerts.. I wasn't there when she needed answers to what kind of feminine products to use.

Time for me to go..

I can't control the tears anymore

 

[ag2507]

Your Daughter IS more important than your mother: you repay your mother's love by loving your daughter. She in turn will love her's. You can always make up to your mother for missing something: you can never make it up to your daughter.

And Guilt is NEVER worth the misery - if you've made the right decision you should move on - letting your mother manipulate you is destructive both to you, your mother and your daughter. Live YOUR life: you will regret nothing you do for you your children - but you will rue every occasion you put your mother's interests over your child's.

A